Cracks in the Sidewalk

West Point, growing,

2010-04-03T19:38:00.000-07:00

I feel like I've accomplished something. I feel like...I'm adjusting.

Someday, if I feel like it, I'll do an entry where we compare then then and now. The whos still here, who went away. Life's pretty exciting you know, people change, places change, and yet...

I don't really know the and yet part, I'm still figuring that out.

Realization

2009-12-12T19:57:00.000-08:00

Today I realized, I'm terrified of talking and connecting to boys. I do not know why this is. Before I talked to them and connected and sometimes they'd like me more then I liked them but they always ended up my best friends.

So why do i keep pushing them all away here?

My realization

2009-12-08T19:28:00.000-08:00

I don't think you get to say the things you do, act the way you do, without any consequences.

I'm almost strong enough to stop you. No more of me hanging on.

Ummmmmm

2009-05-06T17:52:00.000-07:00

Theres never anyone to talk to about Kyle. Its like a stuipd on and off again dating thing, only we're not dating, so even LESS people understand. No one understands, I don't understand, He doesn't understand.

He wants ot make it better. I want to fight. I want to fix everything. He wants to be depressed.

He screwes all of my plans up. Everyone of them.

I keep secrets from him. Way too many. I keep secrets as colateral. I gotta have something up my sleeve to deal with his curve balls.

Damn his curve balls. I like spontenaity, but only the day trip to the pool kind. I like to be spontanious. Not other people. Other people need to be predictable so I can figure out what they're going to do. Kyle needs to be predictable. Kyle needs to be Kyle that I knew in 9th and 10th grade, not this stupid new kyle.

I think he's happier now though. Actualy i have no idea. I don't know about anything anymore. I'm too busy to have friends. I'm too busy to hang out. I'm too busy to sit down and talk. I'm too busy to go get coffee. I'm too busy to deal with new girlfriends. I'm too busy to check my email. I'm too busy to whine in blogs.

Its gotten me lots of awards. Its gotten me in good with Doctor Arnold. Its gotten me in the paper in the church in the school in the community in the American Legion.

Its gotten me success.

I'm loosing Kyle.

I've lost kyle.

And the WORST part is, I'm not sure I'm willing to make it better. I'm too busy to try. I'm too busy to do things. I'm too busy to think about how to fix things. I"M TOO BUSY.

I love being busy. I love not havnig time to update things. I love having things to do everyday. I love my life.

I hate dealing with people exiting though.

I don't know where I"m going with any of this. I'm not sure I want to go anywhere with this. I'm not sure.

I miss him.

I hate Suzie. Thats a Kasey High thing to say, becuase its unfounded and not fair to anyone, and all it does it try to tell me that I'm justified for disliking someone for no reason.

But its an almost real emotion. It makes me feel bad, and dirty, and fake, and wrong, and hypcretical.

But I kinda do...

At West Point I"ll hate everything. My life, myself, my chioces, but I won't have time or incentive to be bothered by this.

Thats a plus.

thats a plus

And it leans on me, like a rootless tree

2009-01-05T18:43:00.001-08:00

Ladies and Gents, I've been a fool.

Mostly.

actualy pretty much everything about it is foolish...

except, I think its okay. I mean, when am I going to have a BETTER time in my life to make mistakes?

Mhm I know right!? Never! So I MIGHT as well I've them all up now....

Mr. B is making a effort, and I shall double that effort, and then he shall tripe his so he won't be out done, and before you know it, we shall be GOLDEN!

I have 18 weeks left of high school. Thats a fact.

Hm, Mostly I shall focus on the moment. I can do anything for a day you know.

Can we Fake it, can we make believe

2008-12-28T18:51:00.000-08:00

Once again, I question when I became important enough to cause fights and arguments.

It seems as though I can no longer please anyone by being kind, that's what got me into this predicament. That's the problem with friends ya know, if your nice to them once they just keep coming back for more and more.

Seriously, it should not be a big deal if I didn't make plans with you. It should not make you angry that I don't WANT to make plans with you, I'm just not a really big party person.

Let me sit home and read. I don't want to do another movie night. I love you all, and I promise I'll help you out, but sometimes I just need a little time and no commitments.

Nothing is certain, and I think my problem is I get so upset when things don't work out according to plan that I've stoped making plans. Spurr of the moment decisions now control my life, and for the most part that works for me.

It doesn't work for Kyle. Or Jon. Or anyone else for that matter.

Actually it works for Aaron. Our shared.....issues work perfectly together.

The moral of this story is, sometimes I want nothing more than to tell everyone to get over it. I don't know why my presence is important enough to you to throw a fit. Your just going to talk to other people once I'm there, and that's cool, so just let me sit at home and read.

Its christmas time!

2008-12-24T20:11:00.000-08:00

This year has gone my extremely fast. A LOT has changed, and I love most of it.

This time last year I spent every night with Kyle, loving ever moment of it, and was incredibly grateful for a friendship like that.

I was also quite fond of a certain Broderick Goodnight, whom was doing his very best to ignore me on account of me turning him down twice....ON this very night I recall forcing myself to stay up so I could talk to him, and him really not caring.

BUT it was okay because it was the first time I felt the little twinge of romantic excitement and I was going to ride it.

During the break I hung out with Aaron and Brody for the first time, an event that would be the catalyst for sooooo much awesomeness. Aaron has been the best friend someone could have and Brody has...good intentions.

My family was well and my attitude good.

And things are still that way.

I have two new best friends, it seems things have finally worked out on the Mr.McCoy front :), Kyle admited begrudgingly that he loved me no matter how dumb I can get, and I'm so thankful for all the good people around me.

I don't have to be forcefully happy or peppy anymore. I'm strong but I don't have to be as often as before. I love being able to drop it all and be with my family, but I love the fact I don't have to.

Whats that sound?

2008-12-20T12:22:00.000-08:00

So today I realized why I'm not afraid about starting college, or moving away, or any of the coming of age things my peers fear.

And I think this is the reason why. I am more afraid of screwing up all the precious relationships here, then I am of moving away and leaving them all in good condition.

That is what really scares me.

Also, my titles always come from the song lyric thats playing at the moment.....lol, just incase I ever need to remember WHY i chose that.

Call me pathetic, call me what you will

2008-12-12T17:23:00.000-08:00

STOP SUFFICATING ME

I don't know when everyone got so desperate that I becasme the deciding factor to whether or not they had an enjoyable day, but I really don't feel like dealing with their social problems.

Don't tie me down, please. I love you both but I have enough committments in my life that on my days off I just can't deal with set in stone social engagments.

How sad is it I complain about people wanting to hang out?

Its a hard thing to explain....maybe someday I'll figure it out and do a better job.

Like Pheonix with a heartach

2008-11-28T20:11:00.001-08:00

I've come to realize several things.

Just becuase I want something badly enough, dosn't mean its going to happen. I shouldn't force it, and obsesse over it like I've been doing. I have to let things happen, and go on living regardless of what occurs.

I'm not ready for my story to be interupted yet. I'm ashamed I let this happen again, but I can end it differntly and that is what is important.

Of Love and pain

2008-11-16T19:11:00.000-08:00

I want to blame her for all the pain your experiencing. I almost hated her for you, that part was easy. Then I realized that you deserved better than that, because you do put up with all my boy drama, so I tried to be her friend.

You told me the way she looks you in your eyes kills you.

You like her soooooo much. I'd do anything to make this whole thing easier for you. I'd take the pain for you. I'm at least used to this, you were innocent. I want you to be happy....thats all I want.

All of these lines across my face

2008-11-16T14:53:00.001-08:00

I think I made a mistake when I became so focused on achieving certain goals.

The problem was that I didn't know how to be successful without putting all my energy into the finaly outcome, I usualy say I'm a pretty laid back person who likes to procrastenate, but the truth is I've been working towards things my entire life, and sometimes I think maybe that distances me from whats actualy going on around me.

This weekend I realized I've lost track of a lot of things. I forgot how to just enjoy life. I have to be doing something 24/7 to feel like a good person, but I think what really determines a good person is how they act when they have down time.

So today I took the time to listen to some slow songs, yes Kyle they don't always suck, and I'm starting to really feel emotions other than stress. Its been a long time sense that has happened, and though I can't say I'm totaly okay with everything its nice to be able to process life.

I'm a senior in highschool. The prequell is coming to a close and I'm ready to start the rest of the series. Just someone remind me to not loose the context inbetween books.

Becuase I don't know any meaningful song lyrics

2008-11-15T15:56:00.001-08:00

I'm not as strong as I thought I was, and I'm not as reponsible as I play myself up to be. Matuirtiy is a two edged sword, and sometimes I don't want to be the good kid.

I also think theres some sort of sub-human ability to be able to tell when members of the oppisote sex like one another. We can all tell Just.Like.That and I don't see how we could know any other way.

I don't really know what to say. I dind't have a very good day, I'm sure I know whats going on, and I kinda miss feel alright.

2008-09-21T15:15:00.001-07:00

I never know if I can trust you. Right now I can't afford to take that chance.

Its getting old

2008-08-28T14:43:00.000-07:00

This fighting with your thing is getting old mom. If we were together I"d break up with you. I know my responeses to some of your actions are immature and not as diplomatic as I act in other aspects of my life, but I feel as though you don't listen to me at all, I feel as though your never proud. I"m tired if you acting like I"m a failure. THats how you act.

Dad laughs and tells me I'm a stupid dramatic teenager. When dad does that I Think he can go fuck himself.

Today I think you can do the same thing. Or at least try doing what I do for one day. One day thats all I ask. Then you'd see. Then you would stop and i could finaly breath again.

So this is written to you mom. Not because I hate you, Or will stop loving you, but becuase quite frankly, I gave up getting along with you a long time ago when I realized the compramises were too great.

I'm not sure if I'm proud of that or not. I know you sure arnt, but then again you never are.

To You and to Me: In the Future

2008-08-21T18:33:00.001-07:00

I hope that one day you look back at this and regret your decision. I hope your always left with "What If?"

I also hope that one day I look back at this and can't remember what I'm talking about.

Girl Unobstructed

2008-08-14T13:34:00.000-07:00

These are my feelings without digging into them too much. This is what surface level Virginia thinks would be fun, and add to her quality of life, or perhaps just storys. This is what happens when you put someone in a math class 2.5 levels below their proper level.

I'm tired of giving Natile rides places. She's nice and kinds and a good christian but she is using me to ride with Kyle and its frusrating. Not on any deep level, I'm just tired of her assuming I want to give her a ride. She has not asked and its been two days in a row.

I'm tired of Kyle taking advantage of me. Never thought I"d say that. Ever. Its not big, its not gargantic. He's just grumpy unless he's with Natile, and I don't want to be their chaperone.

I think Andrea needs to shut up about West Point. She can tell people she wants to go but I don't want her telling people about me. They'll figure it out soon enough if I go through with it.

I want physical contact. It might sound slutty, but I don't care. I want to make out and I want it to not mean that much. I want it to be an enjoyable but not perfect experience that was only for the benifit of having some fun.

I do not like being in a goverment class with Derek. You can figure out the reasons.

I DO like it when guys take second looks. I DO like getting numbers from people on vacation. I will never call them nor would I really want to be in a relationship with any of these people, nor would I do the afformentiond random makeout thing with them...but it passes the time.

I can't do a pull up.

OOOOOOOH! ANd your new car is nice. So is your new phone. So is your expensive video game systems, music collection, and comic book habit. PLEASE stop saying I"M the spoiled one.

The new

2008-08-10T12:59:00.000-07:00

I don't care about cloths, or hair, or boys, or silly fights, or slow drivers, or bad softball days or fat days or bored days or rain or lack of sleep.

I care about people. I care about love. I care about others. I care about spending money on things that are important, on things that can help people. I care about the challange. I care about doing the best we can. I care about America. I care about the world.

Let my senior year be the best one yet.

Last night

2008-07-28T18:51:00.001-07:00

Last night was fun.

We wrestled each other for your phone. We were alone in your room and it was fun.

Nothing happened.

It was just enough to confuse you.

Murder and Death

2008-07-06T21:57:00.000-07:00

I've been called in to help determine if the voice on an audio tape truly belongs to the woman in question. As I"m listening intently, I"m suddenly called into another part of the castle. There has been a murder.

Please investigate the ask. My ego swells. I am the best. I am also nervose. What happened here? What if they come for me? THe body lays on teh couch and the people with camras move abaout taking crime scene photos.

Suddenly someone grabs me. Are you interested in philosophy? There as been another murder and we need people to research old methoids of killing. Here, join them on the balcony where they study.

Screams can be heard. A moan, only louder and more unpleasent. WE all know there has been a third victim, but no one can find him. I have a sickening feeling he is incased in a wall.

I start to become quite scared. Everyone knows I"m going to solve this, including the murderer. I look down at hte scene. Two bodies, some detectives. I don't make eye contact.

I hear the scream again.

*****************

I open my eyes. I"m strapped to a wall along with four other corpes. Two female two male. They tell me they are going to create spawn with them. They begin to cut open the females when they wake up and begin screaming.

The light goes out

I hear gun shots and awake to find the scientist dead and the corpes fully animated. The other Scientists has run off to call for help presumably.

THe woman with the gun begins aiming and shooitng at him. She yells "DIE DIE MAKE LOVE DIE"

I realize this isn't going to work, and that we are going to be the ones who die.

I wake up.

I havn't been sleeping very well.

I shall EAT my oppisition!

2008-07-02T17:49:00.000-07:00

Actualy, my oh so lovely doctor says I have lost weight. YAY ME.

I'm terribly confused yet strangly sure of myself. True, I know nothing about relaionships, road trips, Washington D.C., or ex-boyfriends, but I"m of sound enough mind to know that all these things should not be worrysom thoughts plauging my mind.

In fact, I'm mostly chilling.

But then my mom will run in with something about GirlsNation, or Brody will pop up with a relationship question, and then Matt whats to know the exact itenerary for the zoo, and I get flustered.

Its NICE that people are concenred with my welfare....but its almost too much for me to handle at the moment. Let me get mall my stuff together, and then I'll ask for help.

You know, once I figure out what it is I need help with. Laura says to do whatever I think is right...but its htat pesky middle step of figuring out the right part that gets to me. I actualy think I've made the right choices. I really do.

SO THIS is what they mean when they say stay strong.....lol

Its all good people. Its all good.

The Great Escape (Not the song)

2008-06-01T20:48:00.000-07:00

I am really really great at finding escapes. Healthy ones even! The occasional bike ride, a good book, a chat with a friend.

YOu know, just things that take your mind off of stressful bad things.

However after some thought experimentation *Einstein did that you know* I've come to a horrible conclusion.

If you stay in one of the little escape modes long enough, do you become deliusional? Does the positive of the happy land overwelm the stress of reality or is it the otherway around?

I bring this up becuase its summer time kids! Its summer and its freedom and its great and I love it.

What I DON'T love is this nagging reminder in the back of my head that makes me think I'm not good enough for the family anymore. Oh yes I know, I need to chill, I need to go with the flow, and really, I try. I do.

Most of hte time it even works! But they began dropping hints ever so slightly, things like "She's really in shape isn't she? Wonder how she does that" or "Wow, those are some high test scores" my personal favorite "So-and-so is really a hot shot. Thats really impressive".

Okay okay, I think to myself. They're always going on and on about other people and how impressive they are. I'm an impressive person. I do impressive things....right?

Here is where I began to worry. WHAT do I do that is impressive? I lost Honor Grad, only to come to grips with that fact, then my stupid boyfriend got mad at me for "Selling myself short" so I got the stupid thing back.

THEN, on and then the universe tricked me! *Disclamer: The end result of the following story was in actuality MY FAULT. I take blame. I really do. THeir were other factors invovled, but blame does lie mostly on my sholders*

I did poorly on a Precal Test. One that I studied for over 5hrs for. SERIOUSLY. I mean, I worked hard on that thing and I F'd it up. Its pathetic and a little bit sad but I was crushed. I tried my hardest and it wasn't even close.

While studying for this Test I was also playing sectionals.

Then Jon decided it'd be cool to go into the hospital, so his mom kept calling me, and stupid annoying people who REFUSE to let me move on kept guilting me about not pulling a Florence Nightengale.

I studied for all my other finals. I planned on studying for Precal but i was SO tired, Brodys Birthday also just HAD to be the next day and then I started pukeing.

Not from stess. I'm pretty sure it was leftover shrimp. Either way, as I took that precal final I didn't care WHAT i put down, I just focused on not pukeing.

Because I like to elaborate you may have forgotten the point of this tale. The point is that I now, once again, have a FANTASTIC C+ in Precal.

So my mom freaks out. So does the Dad *Who probably only just got his GQE*. The grandfather starts dropping hints about how amazing Matt is and how awesome this other girl is and how im lucky to be average.

I'm just so tired. Its a C+ its good enough for me. She says I didn't work hard enough, she goes behidn my back and calls Myers "Virginia you got the lowest grade in the class" (SOmething I doubt)

Their trying to pull the whole "You were sick dear, its not your fault, you only needed one more point, why couldn't you have tried just a little harder?" The dialog varies between extreme dissapointment and degust.

They're never just proud.

Yes. I was sick. I also didn't study. I also let other people distract me and get to me. Mostly, I was ready for summer, ready to be happy.

I think its unfair they claim I'm immature and act like I"m so dissapointing. I'm not going to be Valvictorian like DJ. I'm not going to West Point. I'm never going to do well in Math.

I'm sorry parentials. But I CAN NOT please you.

So I'm going to stop trying.

Emergency Surgery

2008-05-26T12:26:00.001-07:00

GEEZE your mom is dramatic. Scared me to pieces.

But I havn't cried yet. Not bad eh? It'll probably hit tonight when I'm trying to learn how to do precal.

They say...

2008-05-17T21:05:00.000-07:00

They say don't let talk get to you. It's just talk. What matters is the truth.

If you know the truth your golden.

I disagree. If you know the truth but all everyone else knows is the talk then whats left? Who's right? What becomes the truth?

This iwas supposed to be a no stress fun relationship. I was lonely. I wanted to be able to go on double dates. Have someone to hug, to learn someones scent.

I think I wanted Jon back. Just ya know, not Jon.

This relationship has not been that. This relationship began with people talking. Everyone was talking. I know I gossip. But a "WELCOME" committy was not what we needed.

"Who are you and why do you know my bussness?" became the order of the day.

Then it became awkwardness. Why was nothing working out? Its okay, roll with the punches. Its all just talk and perspective.

And now the family? Seriously? No one has EVER said I "get around" before. How can you spring this on me?

Am I a tease? Are there rumors I don't know about? You didn't trust me with aaron, now your worried I get around.

Its just talk though. I know the truth.

But who the hell wants the truth?

Confusion!

2008-05-15T11:46:00.000-07:00

I'm confused! As apposed to my standard application of writing out my confusion in blog form I've decided to just internalize the whloe bit during finals week! It provides for excitement and joy and all sorts of other things.

PLUS Ethan can listen to ME whine about something for once!

Oh my, I'm dreading social interactions so much I'd rather do work!

Why are my relatinoships always of the unhealthy variatey? Why must I go to highschool for another year?

Emily Dickinson is famous and revered. SHe was also lonely and unhappy. I rather not be like her.

All the Dumb things you'll do

2008-05-13T18:32:00.000-07:00

I had a dream last night.

Nightmare really, it had Jon in it and Derek was telling me how great he was getting along with all these girls...

I woke up scared that I cared so much.

Brody was physco all day.

Then 10mins before I leave

"TEll me the truth. Do you and aaron have soething?"

Where the hell did aaron come from?

Now he won't talk this out of course. Instead he's going to do nothing about it and assume its going to change.

This is not working out.

Little Did I know...

2008-05-11T11:37:00.000-07:00

I think the bitterness I felt toward J held me back from a lot of things.

It hurt my realationship with Derek, and Kyle, and other people.

It made it so easy to blame everything on other people but I'm sure it made me look crazy person who couldn't get over the issues.

I hope that I can get over the issues. I hope that I don't loose the privledge of being peopels confidents. I'm happy, and invovled in others lives, I just don't want to loose that by accident.

Oh, and he has a facebook now. How strange.

And when did Derek grow a pair?

SEE! I'm missing things all the time

Regret and Lap Dances

2008-05-02T17:53:00.000-07:00

We were going to say goodbye to you before you left. Derek Kyle and I. For some reason we decided to do this in the early morning.

For some reason we all slept in a car in your parking lot until the time. I was going to sneek out early so I could talk to you first but i Couldn't remember the numbers. I felt bad because I wrote you so many times while at camp but never remembered the numbers.

Derek was mad I still thought our relationship was specail. On the way to our house he and Kyle turned. "You don't belong here" said derek.

"Do you want me to leave?" I asked, knowning the answer.

"Go."

I woke up.
*****

I was getting married to an old man that looked like Kyles dad. I didn't know him, and the wedding looked tacky. Adam, Lea's boyfriend, offered to marry me instead. I looked at Brody, and then at Lea. They both shruged and ate pizza hut party.

I didn't want ot marry Adam. I didn't know him, but the guests were leaving and my mom was mad so I went along with it. I cried a bit, then began to do inappropaite things with him.

The next dream day I saw lea to find out tehy had broken up. Odd how marriages do that.

****

I was looking for someone and found myself on some sort of night club stage. Into the crowd went the dancers so I followed.

Nick Baily sat there looking nervose. So I gave him a lap dance.

****

Who knew I was so horny in my dreams? With almost completle strangers too.

Fears and Doubts

2008-04-27T14:11:00.001-07:00

Sometimes, my desire to be free of everything out weighs everything else.

2008-04-09T22:54:00.001-07:00

Well This is going well.

I wanna taste the breeze

2008-04-08T12:30:00.000-07:00

We are working this out.

I have never felt as sure of anything as I did J, the person who told me you could feel safe with anyone was wrong, but I know its just something that takes time.

There are blended familys who have to deal with marriages and kids and all sorts of crazyness. No wonder the mental health in America is nuts, I don't know how those people can handle it.

I can't even figure out to work with Brody and J. We're all trying darnnit. Its just not that easy.

We eat lunch together, we ride in cars together, but then when its just me and him talking....things don't work.

Its alright though becuase were working! And if the crazy blended familys of america can do it with only a touch of mental instability then so can we!.

Spring Break, Phone Tag, and New Boyfriends

2008-04-04T14:20:00.000-07:00

Perspective is humbiling.

Becuase at the moment I"m furstrated with the fact I insisted B' go to his dads becuase I thought we were all hanging out tomorrow night, only to find out that it is indeed going to be the old crowd all together and I will be the odd person out.

However I know that next week, this will not seem like a very big deal at all. Tomorrow in fact, it will not seem like a very big deal.

Networking my friends so they do not kill each other is a full time job ya know. Its difficult, and they arn't making it any easeir.

I feel as though it is my responsiblity to make sure balance occurs, becuase Kyle used to care about it and yet now it seems like I hvae cast away my plans for nothing.

But the kid is so darn senseitve that I can't tell him that becuase then he'll feel bad.

Tomorrow. It won't matter Tomorrow. :D

Also I have my new phone! too bad it has to be charged until 7 Tomorrow. :(

Drying the Ink

2008-03-29T15:01:00.000-07:00

Today I changed my Facebook status.

It made me smile.

Softball and Pizza Deliveries

2008-03-28T19:39:00.001-07:00

So I had a dream.

We had just played a softball game and Clark told me to get the pizza to another school so we could all eat it together.

I get in a car and look for the school, which I don't know the locaiton of, and decide to head towards the only thing near by, a apartment complex.

Around this apartment complex is a hall way, so i deside to drive up it

Suddenly I relize i can't turn around and the path only goes up. I decide my only choice is to roof hop the buildigns to look for the school.

Then I"M in in the car, I"m just jumping from roof to roof, holding a pizza.

I drop the pizza, peering down I notice its on a slightly lower roof, but for some reason I can not get to it.

My only option, therefor, is to jump off hte buliding. I hung off the side for a while.

Then I let go.

Happy Birthday to Me

2008-03-11T19:03:00.001-07:00

Its my birthday.

IT was fun. And delightful, and quaint.

Will I remember it for the rest of my life?

Probably not.

But it was fun, delightful, and quaint. I'm Glad it happend or I wouldn't be here :)

When the world comes out from under you

2008-02-17T19:45:00.000-08:00

There have only been three distinct times in my life where I felt truly stupid.

I've written about two in here, one more distinctly than the other.

Here is the third.

You can NOT trust guys. Any of them. Even the really really really nice ones whom you've known FOREVER and love more than anything.

Becuase the thing is, if your really good friends with a guy, they will want more.

I built my entire life off the notion you can have great guy friends who are only, and simply, friends. Perhaps this was a really stupid idea, but it seemed to be working.

And then tonight I was thinking. It has NOT been working. From a distance, every guy I talk to is great and amazing and my friend. But as SOON as you get to that intimate level of friendship, they mistake my intintions and ask me out.

Every. Single. One.

At first it was scary. How does one deal with such an occurance? But this is no exaguration folks. Every single boy I have ever, EVER been friends with had asked/ made it known to me that they've liked me at least once.

So I got used to it. Laughed at it and honestly had no issues with it. "haha, silly guy is just confused" I'd say. Besdies, it always worked out okay in the end. Better even. Sure, it took time and a few awkward situations, but it always always today. I always had a corner stone to fall back on.

Today my cornerstone broke. And with it, everything I thought I knew about life and saftey cracked beneath my feet.

I'm going to pretend it did not happen. I'm not going to think about it or talk about it. But its impossible not to think about it.

Why would you do this? I'm being selfish. But why?

Yesterday I woke up SO happy. You don't even know how happy.

Now I can't stop shaking...

Debating Miss Dasiy

2008-01-28T17:59:00.000-08:00

Two weeks after districts, a frustrating night, i had my first ever debate dream.

I was angry becuase we had a judge who did not know what they were doing. She made us sit in a type of formation that did nothing coducive. She also would not let me speak.

I sat there and thought to myself we are going to loose becasue my partner, who was not Jacob Ogle as per usual, but a female who i belvie was a cross between Elise Duncan and Jordan Parkhurst, was not a goodenough speaker to pull out with the win.

The judge gave me a look and said "hurry up"

So frazzled, I ran up to do a cross fire.

I left feeling angry and perterbed.

This morning I woke up angry, and pathetic.

Subconsciouse Lullaby

2008-01-21T09:38:00.000-08:00

I had a dream where you were hurt, becuase you did something rebelliouse and stupid and I felt bad and responsible.

I woke up feeling like I hadn't in a year, when i told you you looked at me and acted like I was stupid.

Alone in surreal lives

2007-12-26T15:00:00.000-08:00

I'm really self asorbed.

I usualy do not realize this until days like today, when I'm bored and for the LIFE of me I can't figure out why I"m in such a bad mood until the fleeting thought wonders into my brain like a lost puppy

"Why is everyone doing something else? Why arn't they doing things with me?"

Usualy i think this sort of thing about four hours after I ditch someone to do something 'better'. Better rarely occurs, and then I sit and feel sorry for myself for about 3 mins until the long lost puppys half brother wonders in.

"Its my own responsibility to do good things"

Then, one of the following things happens

A) I Feel very guilty and annoyed for a moment and then do homework
B) I do something very fun
C)I get very mad at everything, until Kyle bailes me out

Kyle is with Derek, my homework is upstairs, and I feel rather empty. Its only 6 however, so perhaps there is time for the future.

Christmas was lovely. My CD's lovely, my grandfather driving me nuts, good cheer and health to all.

My life as a baked burrito with extra hot sauce

2007-12-19T17:53:00.000-08:00

I really like him. I may date him. I also suspect he may be gay.....how do i end up in such positions?

But this blooming...something has conviently been placed at the same time Jon's gone bonkers.

My father and I argued. We shall see about that one.

I delievered pies for like 4hrs tonight. I still ahve 19 in my backseat.

An Anniversery

2007-12-09T16:55:00.000-08:00

You know what makes me feel really, really really really really good?

I have not once regretted the decison I made with you.

Not evne right after when i cried, it was hard, but i knew it was right.

Now a year later, I still know it was right. There were a lot of reasons behind it that were not right, and a lot of times afterwards i did things i regret, but I think now its safe to say that I do not regret what I did then.

:D

I guess were going to pretend

2007-11-24T21:56:00.000-08:00

I remember the night you called me crying. "I lied to you" you told me. I was so mad at you then.

Now, what you have been doing is 10x worse, and I'm laughing and joking. you don't lie to me anymore, infact I don't think you ever have sense that night, but you worry me kid.

But before I can start my lecture, I think of the empty bottle and change the subject.

Making out on the beach really just gets sand in your mouth

2007-11-11T18:51:00.000-08:00

Hehe.

Three guys cussing you out. That'll teach you to say things behind my back Mr Deep voice blue shirt man.

Twas nice, the whole defence thing.

Intermission to moonlight

2007-11-07T16:42:00.000-08:00

"My legs hurt"

"At least you have a reason. My legs hurt for no reason"

Always one-uping me Jonny Boy. Its weird becuase I KNOW you need me around. I KNOW you still are upset where not togther, but you treat me like crap.

What I DON'T know is wether or not you even think I'm wroth your time. I'm not really sad, becuase I KNOW your not serious. Like, I KNOW your just teasing me.

But I wonder what you'd do if I wasn't around. Would you even care?

The State looks down on sodimy

2007-10-23T12:45:00.000-07:00

Muwhaha.

I feel empowered, Strong, like I grew a tougher skin and all oppisiton to my wellbeing can be crushed beneath my powerful feet.

You there! THING THAT WANTS TO MAKE ME SAD! Yeah, come here so I can kick your ass. :D

Sleeping Dogs never lie far enough away

2007-10-22T14:19:00.000-07:00

You speak to me, and I think "Why is everything so complicated?"

But I just relized that this might mean we can hold it all together.

Oh, and last week? I KICKD YOUR NONEXISTANT ASS! :D

She sneezes when she sees bright lights

2007-10-17T12:40:00.000-07:00

It has been a difficult three days.

A pretty lonely three days.

I began monday with the biggest sense of helplessness I've ever experenced, and though that has eased some its not all rainbows and daisys.

Apparently I'm a good baggage handiler, because everyone keeps dumping their woes on me. And honestly, I'm fine with that.

Honest and truly, I'm here for anyone who needs me.

Those numbers seem to be rising.

Kasey turned and asked me why it was she always opened up to me. I shrug and refelct on the singificience of that statment. ANd than I spend the next 24hrs contemplating her in my head, and all I've REALLY decided is I"m glad I'm not her. I'm a lot of help.

There are the so called 'Friends' I have who say i'm the so called "Best" but only when they need a peptalk, or a person to share their issues with. But in class when there pretending to be all happy and fine I'm thrown into the back like I never even mattered.

Thats really whats been bothering me the least this week, but even at its least its quite a lot. Its selfish of me, I should be happy their happy. I should be happy they have other friends to joke and play with. But sometimes I just think "I do everything for you....I loose sleep for you.....can't you just talk to me?"

Maybe its pathetic and selfish and lame or whatever. I'm not always like that. Sometimes I"m the oppisote. Somtimes I think "I'm Strong and have friends and its all in my mind" Sometimes I Think Its good everythings crazy and messed up. Sometimes I don't think its as bad as it is.

I'm just tired.

I'll stick around

2007-10-11T16:33:00.000-07:00

The difference?

I ask too many questions.

You don't ask enough.

"If you love me, I'll stick around"

My threats worked I Guess.

Kittens and Appartment buildings

2007-10-03T18:48:00.000-07:00

This is another dream one. I'm sorry. I Feel like and ediot writing about these, but no one has to read them.

So last night I had a dream my dad got a kitten. It scared me even though I always beg for one. It had lopsided eyes and I didn't know how to blaance Oliver and this one. I put it in the back of my truck that I sat in with Charlie *I think it was probably Charlies truck considering he has a truck, why i dream about charlie i do not know* and we gunned it

We got to the aparment place we had been in before the kitten dream started, and I remembered it was in the back seat. It was pretty cute all cureled up in a desperate attempt to not be dead. I decided I liked it then. I still didn't know if i could love two cats though. I worried about its eyes.

I carried it around in a little ball. I woke up feeling guilty and selfish

Sherlock Holmes and Block parties

2007-09-29T18:14:00.001-07:00

I'm going to start writing about my dreams. Just for kicks.

For refrence, I usualy have a two a night, if and when they are strong enough to remember.

Last night began with me hearing that there was a casting call for Mrs. Hudson to be in a new sherlock Holmes series. For some reason, all those in attendence were my age, even though she's an old lady in the book.

The important thing is, Sherlock Holmes was there, and it was extremly important i impress him and I did. It was sorat reality show-ish, with people getting sent home whenever, and I was always worried my lack of accent would make me loose the job.

Then things get hazy, and suddenly were in a boat and something happens where someone or something needs to be rescued, so I jump out of hte boat to save whatever it is, and Sherlock *Jeremy Brett* version jumps in to help me. By the time I get back on the boat he's elemenated all but like two of the other girls.

Then were in a neighborhood I dream about alot. Its always with differnt peope in a differnt situation but its got brick houses that are tall and old. SOmeone walks up to us and asks us to help find his brother or something.

Its not foul play, theres neighborhood wide party or something, and thats where he is we just gotta help look.

This is when the dream completly shifts.

So now I'm in this block party dream, all thoughts of sherlock forgtten, and I start going through houses looking for people. Its pretty familur, college atmosphere open room whatever crazy music beer fest. I see Cody making out with some girl, but weirdly enough he's the only person in this whole dream I reconize, and I wasn't even close to him.

So I go through the houses and find myself in a backyard thats covered in stuffed animals. Of course I climb up the mountain of cuddily creatures and talk to a kid. I can't remember who it was, not a real person anyway, slid down the mountain, and go back to dream 1.

Suddenly I remember i'm in this reality game buying for the part of hte land lady who by now I think is a differnt part all together, when the kid runs up and thanks me for helping. Sherlock/Jeremy *I don't know if he supposed to be the real person or his character* hugs me and I think "I love this dream"

But I don't wake up until I relize I really have to go to the bathroom.

Waking up at the start of the end of the world

2007-09-29T09:45:00.000-07:00

If you had asked me last year what I would be doing one year from them, I would not have answered correctly.

If you had asked me 2hrs PRIOR to what i would be doing on Friday Night, I would have been wrong.

So there I stood by a trashcan, with one person I really do not like, another I feel a certain loyality too, and a guy I only knew by name.

She's great to hang out with when you have no respect left for anything. We spoke of doing illegal things.

We get along great on the surface, its just the whole consciouse thing in the back of my head thats banging on the walls of my brain screaming "STAY AWAY" that bothers me.

Too many things we have in common

Krisit is a HORRIBLE driver. I'll probably die if I stay in that car too much longer.

The boys went to gutair world. I'd got three calls asking for Kyle. When did I become his secratary?

I'm going to get kristi to show me Ugly Betty.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNND, I"m going to get he courage to talk to you. :)

The things we do

2007-09-22T19:05:00.000-07:00

Life is made up of crazy ideas you came up with that worked out, and crazy ideas you came up with that never quite made it.

The time we walked across 31 at 3a.m. in our PJ's to get staired at in Starbucks.

The party you ditched us at, the time I relized I didn't want there to be anymore times with you.

There are things that simply don't happen. Plans that get changed, circumstances beyond our controle.

And THEN there are the things that sound like awesome ideas at the time, but not so much later on.

Kristi is GOOD at knowing when I think something will be awesome. Sometimes her ideas are, most often though I get half way into it until i relize it will lead to our demise.

There was the night *not involving kristi* on a boat where the three of us stood in the hallway that was rocky and small. We laughed becuase it was not a safe place to be and our only protector Joe, was currently indisposed with a toe cramp.

That was when we decided to see the sunrise the next morning. The two of us and Joe.

The next morning when the alarm rang we looked at each other and said "No"

Because we KNEW it wasn't going to happen. Its just one of those things.

*I did see a dolphine that morning though*

Mostly I just find it odd that every single thing in our life is made up of these little instances that do and don't happen. Either way its going to effect you for quite a while weather you relize it or not. Reflection upon these actions brings us to shocking and unwelcome conclusions that we are indeed the masters of the randomness.

People have always laughed at me becuase I"m a giant, pointing with fingers that have never touched a cloud.

2007-09-17T19:57:00.001-07:00

I'm not sad.

I'm not even apathatic.

Infact, I'm pretty well adjusted to the inconsistencness which is my world.

Things I'm doing well.

-Staying out of stupid possive arguments

-Not freaking out when it seems everyone disagrees with me, on every possible thing. Quite frankly m'dear, they can go screw themselves

-Not bummed that I was completly right about you.

Seriously though, I've known something was going to change, and I've been subconsciously prepairing for it. So, world, God, crazy stupid friends of mine, give it your best shot. You can not shake me.

Well you probably could, but I'm not going to let you.

Probably at least. ;) Promises are like Pie crust, they are meant to be broken.

Me: He's just not reliable

Stepp: EXELENT POINT!

"We should do lunch, talk about life and people and behavor."-I worry I won't be nearly as interseting as you think I am. I relish the challange.

The Unimpressive death of everything you held dear

2007-09-07T19:20:00.000-07:00

Surprisingly, You and I are not hte problem

It is everyone else.

Yes.

Because you don't get along with her, and she drives me crazy and that one girl likes you and i'm jealous of her but annoyed with her friend who you say is tolerable.

WHY CAN"T WE ALL GET ALONG!

Pfft. Like Hell I"d tell you what i know.

"How many people do you know who'd keep a seceret, anything you told them, to themself?"

"I don't know, two. Your blocking my path"

"I know."

"well how many do you have?"

"Two, maybe 1"

***

"You can't think about it like that. Not even I think about it."

"I can't help it. It scares me"

On a latesummers eve

2007-09-01T20:18:00.000-07:00

It had been on my to do list for a little over two years. I checked the date. I almsot gave up, twice.

You see, my dad would not have let me into that part of town had he known, and becuase i was not precisly clear on the location of my quest I spent quite a bit of time praying the weird man on the bike wasn't going to scractch my car.

Once I got there, I expceted to things like weeds, and flowers. The only other time I'd been there I made SURE to commit the spot to memory. IT was under a tree, on a hill, it looked remarkably modern. Strange even. I liked the tree though, and I would have to accept what was in stone.

Right then. Weeds, Flowers, grass clippings. The sun was setting and I was worried they were going to call me before I got a chance to do what i came for.

Then, and this is the second time, I couldn't find it. I was at the tree, but I felt awkward. And then someone pulled behind me and wasn't getting out of their car. Perhaps I wasn't up to date on ediqutte. Perhaps I was and this guy just made easy targets out of mourners.

Into the car I went, but on my way around the bend I saw the guy.

So flowers and grass and weeds, all of these I expcted.

I didn't excpect Jake.

Deciding it would be dumb to NOT find it I pulled back around. He was wearing cloths merroring my own, his attitude more...somber.

He saw me, and I think it woried him that we knew about the other one. How strange I thought, that out of all the days of all the years we end up the only two on this land, 3ft away from each other.

He knew right where he was going, and I soon found her, and we respectivly did our thing and went our ways.

Becuase the body is weak, and the mind strong

2007-08-28T17:33:00.000-07:00

In honor of germss and their passing from one host to the other, I'm going to write about the times I/Maya was sick at camp. You see, I have written litelry nill about camp because up until....I dunno...like yesterday I'd get so upset whenever I talked about it, wirrting became pointless. I'm making this all very clear now because I"ve relized the nice crypticness I'm so very fond of is awesome at the time, and yet if I EVER wnat to know what the hell I was talking about i'm going to have to leave myself more then just hints.

And so, I now present you storys of Culver Military Academy Summer Schools Upper Camp, 2006.

If you became ill during your stay at Culver, it was customary you treck 2miles across the campus to the Health building. Were they would indeed confirm your suspicion of illness and charge you 12 dollars. The ONLY point to doing this was to get out of parade which was compeltly worth it.

but remember kids, this is me.

My bones ached, my skin was burning and I was freezing though it was probably only about 10929 degrees outside. *98 to be precise*. Something had been going around, something probably from Brazil no doubt. Those Brazilians always did the worst damage.

Throat rebellion, head aching I stood in that retreat for a good 40mins, shifting dutifly from paradae rest to attention. I was deteremend not to fall out, 8 others in my squad alone had already and though I longed for the golf cart to come get me I was too embaressed. Plus, I had promised Roo I'd go to the movie with her that night, and if you fell out you had to stay in your room.

So there I stood, swaying, wishing for death, in the longest retreat of hte summer. I didn't go to the movie that night. I slept in my room, only coming out for 'annoncments' at 10.

********

Maya had been getting sick ever sense I had been getting better. A mixture of the flu and loathing for the classes she was in added to her discomfort. I ran into her in the hallway, announcing we'd have to do something to get someplace, and she announced she was skipping sailing.

Skipping sailing.

Do you know HOW jealous I was at that statment? what i would ahve given to just "skip sailing" My GOD the girl had guts. you did NOT want an Ensen after you for skipping.

But she did. And on my way back from Photography i grabbed her a popcicle.

Her disregarde for the rules inspired me. I stoped going to sailing. :D

********************

I remember it was raining. Hard. Becuase when it reains its not to much fun to be in an inter-lake the Ensens and Captains had kept us inside the navil building. 60 teenagers from just as many countrys cramed into a room merroring a subermine in style and design watching movies.

Now, becuase it was sailing, and we were in a navial building, Ensen.....something, I'll ask Sara later, brought in his personal collection of Navy war Movies. Todays selection was The ROCK and while I like the movie i was having none of it.

Scooting my way toward the door I made my way out into the rain. I had my poncho on, they told us what to wear you know and ponchos were definitly on the list today, and then I ran.

The Navail Building is about half a mile from Chatu Terre where I my room was. Classes were technicly still on, so I was the only one dumb enough to be runing along the lake line towards the dorm.

But I knew Sara had free period, and I knew she'd be in here bed all comfy and snuggly, and I knew she'd let me share the blanket.

And so thats the first day I skipped.
***

OKay. I know thats boring and lame and pointless. But I want to remember it. So I'm writing it down. There.

It's getting easy

2007-08-27T17:55:00.000-07:00

i'm ready for the next challange. As ready as I"ll ever be, i wasn't made for this easy nothing to it life God, at least I hope not.

I thank You for the break and the good times, but I'm ready to move on.

Just a reminder that I still pray for signs.

Peace Out.

We're all wasted

2007-08-23T18:22:00.000-07:00

I'm not entirly sure I understand the world.

The thing is, I don't know if I like who I am.

The Thing is, what am I going to do about it?

I know how the world works...but much like physics and all things mathmatical, i do not know why.

I cherish my friends emmensly.

I have a tendcy to open my mouth too much.

Wayne has become one of the many perks of driving. Waving to him and knowning he'll wave back is comforting. A constant in the form of a man in nightrobe in a bench. He's more friendly then the overweight women who walk there doxhounds around the block.

I think a lot about death. Not necessarly mine

Her indescretions benfit my social life.

Sometimes I wonder what the hell I've done moments after I've done it. Why do ideas go from being logical moves forward to "BWUAH!?" in less then 2seconds?

Its weird. I was upset and we sat on the stairs leading up to your door for an hour nad talked. Suddenly, I relize there is nothing enherntly wrong in what your doing, its just what you gotta do. I gotta let you do it.

I hate your hair. And now your sick. And we hugged. And recently, I've been sneezing, I thought these fun things were over with.

Once again, I don't understand.

This collective sigh is merly teenage angst. It need not be remembered or documented.
Yet I document

The song I'm listening too is too emo for this subject line

2007-08-16T12:38:00.000-07:00

"you know what i relised?"

Hm?

"we don't randomly dance anymore. WE need to do that."

So we did.

Your God knows his faithful

2007-08-09T21:54:00.000-07:00

Sittin in his aparment I go through your text messages. Cha-Cha-Charan and you seem to be rather close. Your actualy letting me go through everything, and i"m not sure waht to think to that.

Its shallow, and dumb and pointless and will only lead to awkwardness. Its human nature and I'm semi-okay with sercombing to it. You want to go through my phone. I say no and actualy try to stop you but your bigger then me.

If your jealous you don't act like it, you never did you probably never will. Our compadre is mad at you, gives me a look as though to ask why I'm doing this and I just shake my head. With a joke he hands you the controller and I go back to trying to not fall asleep on his couch.

**

Philosophy has once again come into my favor. Thinking I had sworn it off, trusting blind faith to see me through. Less questions less trouble. Questions are back with vengence. Faith has not however left, intertwing feelings create a sort of intilectual search as apposed to despserate plea.
****

"Get me a soda" I laugh but i don't even pretend to mind becuase I honsotly don't. As I walk through his garage his mom screams and reamins doing so.

"Your mom cut herself man" he gives me a sort of confused look. He's holding confrence with another, decussions the reason of my visit.

"We'll come" He says. I smile. I knew he would.

I hug him and in the process spill orange soda on both of us. Seth laughs and makes me carry a bag of needles inside. Seths cool because he drinks diet stuff.

"He said he'd come, can i go?"

He flips around in his room, "You mean you couldn't go with out us?" well no. but i'm not gonna tell you that.
****

one night stands arnt all bad. Not always I think. If you can stay away from things you might regret and from becoming attached, they can make really nice memories to have. Warning label reads its rarly achieved but that dosn't mean it can't happen.

***

I smiled through the whole thing becuase none of it was my responsibility and I don't sweat anymore so it didn't matter there wasn't any airconditioning. Your actualy being nice and we're all in a good mood so its perfect.

Derek trys to break my finger on the way home. I contemplate breaking his. Seth interveens and we drop Derek off.

they promise to teach me how to drive a stick because my dad sucks as a teacher and i take them up on the offer.

**

I come home and get on my laptop and pretend to be a super hacker. I'm in a good mood. nobody is going to ruin it

TStrange things happen to them, some bitterly cruel and some so beautiful that the faith is refired forever

2007-08-07T22:13:00.000-07:00

Stop. Talking. To. Me.

:)

It never fails.

If I get online to talk, no one will be on, if i get on to do a report, 12 people will pop up.

If its 1 in the morning, 14 new people will strike up conversations with life ultering problems apparently only i can solve.

Hell its not about solving. Its about whining for three hours.

I'm not even annyoed that much. I wanted to write. I have nothing to write.

yes.

Can't believe i never noticed my heart befroe

2007-08-05T22:02:00.000-07:00

The cool thing about being happy, and having that associated with a happy day, is that the memories of it will make you smile in the future when everything else is sad.

Its not complicated

2007-07-30T20:12:00.001-07:00

Taking a proverbial page from the devils notebook, its insanely difficult to explain what this guys friendship means to me, and yet, its the easiest thing in the world.

During the course of that sentence, I figured out why its easy and why its hard.

Its everything. He's literal always been there for me, and I for him, and though it doesn't happen every time we see each other, and it doesn't need to, we open up and cry together when it needs to happen.

The hard part is expecting people to believe that its really that simple. There aren't complex decusions relating our feelings, we just KNOW when the other one needs something badly.

For instance, I know that though he's logged on right now, he won't be in the talkative mood until at least 1, and if I were to stay up until 2, I bet i Could get him to sneak out with me.

And because its a special occasion, we might actually go someplace.

I'm writing this all in here becuase it'd be sorta silly to tell him this. And a bit creepy.

Heh. Yeah.

Hears To You

2007-07-27T11:11:00.000-07:00

Long time no see eh?

I think I"m sitting in the crossroads of having everything but missing self pitty. I have the girls myspace up because i Like the song on it, even though I can't stand to look at the rest of it becuase it reminds me of how stupid people are.

I also do not like that we both enjoy this song becuase it bad mouths the kinda person we probably think the other one is.......I'll admit it, we probably don't like each other because were too alike, though I'm going to keep on praying no one else notices.

I don't think I felt any giant emotional changes in Europe. Some really crazy stuff happened at parts, but I didn't fall in love, didn't have my heart broken, and only saw a few fights. Mostly the only thing thats changed about me is I enjoy water now more then I used to.

Climbing Mt. Olympuis

2007-06-30T20:40:00.000-07:00

Our friends from the middle east allowing, I'll be in Europe for the better part of next month.

Our Friends also allowing, I'll be home eventualy. :D

Tootles

P.S I don't have anything packed, jsut remembered i should have a photo albume ready, my gifts suck, and though I hardly think it likly, should I die, I want all roylaties from my awesome based on a true story movie to go to my cat oliver, who seems a little depressed lately.

What I learned Tonight

2007-06-28T23:08:00.001-07:00

The second banana will not be as exelent as the first.

People out of Character are annoying

Somtimes people in character are annoying

I have no idea whats possible

I have a criminal complex.

This month, eyes and memories

2007-06-27T20:44:00.000-07:00

A mother kisses her child during a flag-raising ceremony in Tiananmen Square in Beijing as China commemorated the 18th anniversary of the bloody crackdown in which hundreds of protesters were killed in 1989.

I know the girl who's dad helped start the riot. He's alive becuase he hid in a trash can after his two best friends got killed. Now he lives the upper class life in Carmel and drabbels in realestate.

I dare you to tell me thats not pretty

Singapore

Castle in the sky

China, A collective laugh

This is our world.

Day 2 July 2, 1863, the second day of the Battle of Gettysburg.

2007-06-23T14:01:00.000-07:00

7860 men fought each other in the exact spot I stood some 146 years earlier. When they had shoved bayonettes into each other the area had been clear of trees making it optimal for that sort of thing. Now it was a forrest.

So there I stood, in one of the most famous locations of Civil War history, trying to egnore the heat and focus on the impact of it all when Kristi calls to tell me she bought a bird.

"Name it porkchop" I say as I move closer to the parking spacesa way from the edge of the hill. I'm trying not to feel awkward wearing the shoes I have on. I feel no pride for the battle site.

I don't know why any of that is significant. I'm in a historical mood. Both my own, others, and the country's.

I blame John Adams for this. His biography, though not entirly thrilling, is interesting enough when traveling across the country. Letters from Abbigale to John about Washington crossing the Deleware is made slightly more exciting while driving along the very river.

My gradfather repetivly tells the ancidote of some great relitive of ours who once said "I'm glad i don't have any above average chrildren". He tells it with the greatest of humor, and I think he agrees complelty with it.

I think what he trys to portray is he wants a simple happy life for us all.

I resent that story, and the fact he tells it so often, and the fact he thinks it applys to me.

I am vain. I do not think I am average for several reasons. Average these days is very low. Not to mention I do not even understand the concept of such measures.

Susey is average becuase she has a husband who works at the factory and two kids. She vacumes and makes dinner.

So she's not in africa fighting a war? That makes her average? I don't understand.

I do understand that I refuse to submit myself to this impossible to comprehend imagenary scale that we judge oursleves on. I need to be more. I don't think I can be happy if I'm not.

That might be youthful arrogence, but I think if everyone disgarded their dreams as youthful arrogence we would not have all the things we have today. There are others more ill suited then I for these things to be acomplished, and as Adams says

"If an Honest man refuses, a dishonest man will not"

Yeah I"m a woman, were gonna pretend he was talking about everyone for my purposes. :D

You were the first one in my life ot make me feel like i was more then what i am

2007-06-17T20:56:00.001-07:00

I'm feeling artsy and condisending. In my mind I have the upperhand of an openmind, but I secretly know that no matter what he says I'll silently shake my head and think "This is why I don't go to church"

So I go to the boy who takes more crap from the physudo followers than anyone I know, and I use words just a bit too harsh to be entirly friendly, but I don't care. I feel like assirting I don't like whats going on.

He thinks I"m asking a fake hyapthetical question. The kind they do in sitcomes. I'm not, but he can pretend if he wants.

Once again I insurt the words he knows I hate. I call him church boy. You can pratcily hear me scoffing.

Suddenly he turns and tells me it never works on me. I think he's jumped too many assumptions with the hypothetical bit.

I really should have stoped 4 Lines ago, but i can't help myself at this point. Your not giving me the conservitive answers I had hoped for. I'm beinging to wish you listend to middle aged preachers more.

That night you looked at me and said "Good God your Killing Yourself"

2007-06-14T18:57:00.000-07:00

You turned around in calss and introduced yourself way to cheerfully, you were one to look out for I told myself.

I was cool and quiet, at least I told myself that. I was together. I was whitty. I could stand in the back of the room with my arms folded and know the exact moment to banter out something to make my piont

You scramed and yelled and got in trouble.

Most of the time I got you out of it.

Then things got epic. I ruled the scene, and I felt like you were there backing me. I know. It was all about me. You had the energy, I had the thoughts. I'd collapse and you'd pick me up because we didin't work with out each other.

And then I fell apart.

We both know about those 5months of never ending hell, and you got me through that even though I didn't do a thing for you. Nothing.

Then I let you down. You don't blame me....at least I don't think so, but I did. And I keep doing it....

Now your the one with the thoughts and the insight and i'm struggiling to keep up. I'm giving in to your thoughts and feelings, ones I don't agree with, or didn't hitnk I Did, but now i'm wondering if it even matters.

Bah I know it matters.

The point is......i think we changed spots

Let the Rain fall, i don't care

2007-06-13T20:12:00.000-07:00

In honor of that time you convicned me to go to the movies by lieing to me and dragging me there, and then the afterwards where I told everyone we say "Love Actualy" becuase I got hte names confused and you laughed and called me stupid, I"ll do something different.

Things I like about you.

1. You will stand by someone and their poor decisions.
2. You can be very whitty.
3. I do not think you are inheritly evil
4. Your as bad at math as I am
5. You find horribly addictive songs.

Er...
thats about it for the moment.

I tried.

In regards to that incident you had under the stage table in 9th grade. I take back trying to be friends

2007-06-10T18:49:00.000-07:00

"OH MY GOD ITS JONS GIRLFRIEND WHAT WAS HER NAME AGAIN? OH WHAT WAS IT>>>>JONS GIRL FIREND! JONS GIRLFRIEND! WHAT WAS HER NAME!?"

Shut. Up.

Your in Crackerbarrell holding your mothers hand and I'm tempted to tell her all the things you do with William, maybe if I screamed "WILLS GIRLFRIEND WILLS GIRFRIEND" you'd shut up

I do not write "Jonsgirlfriend" on my papers. That is not my name. Shut up before I eat your head. :)

We broke up. Thank you very much.

Fing Goddamn teenage hormones

2007-06-08T20:24:00.000-07:00

He likes her but she dumped him as this other girl wanted to go on a date with balh blha

SICK OF IT

Yeah you whine a lot you stupid boy. Last summer I was annoyed by it becuase i had my own issues. This summer I'm annoyed by it because I'm fine, and your draggin me down.

Don't call me a whore if you want me to like you again m'kay?

Lol I'm not even mad right now! I'm just expressing my distaste with the whole shabang. And I don't mean the "Liking" "Love" shabang....

Honestly, It can feel amazing. And great. And its sorta what we live for, that feeling of happyness knowning your special enough for someone to like you.

But it can turn sour so fast. Thats were things get ugly.

In Drivers ed they make you take a graduated driving lisence.....so you get in less wrecks and cause less damage.

think we could set something similar up to dating?

:)

She moves fast takes controle

2007-05-31T07:46:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure how i feel about anything......

Half the time you drive me crazy and I egnore you. Half the time I can't let you go.

I ignore my best friends and block them so I can avoid hanging out with them.

I relized I was happy on a buss full of people I thought I hated.

I"m okay with having a giant busy summer.

Why does drama club drive me crazy!?

Anf if sleep controles my life how is it I"m a morning person?

I hope you sing along and your still alive

2007-05-13T10:02:00.001-07:00

I was just thinking of that time that night when I told you stuff that must have creeped you out and annoyed you emmensly.

You hid it well. :)

I have to for myself

2007-05-10T12:10:00.000-07:00

Ya know what kid? It pisses me off when you don't come to school.

I don't know why. There are reasons sure. Most of the time its becuase we've infected each other with some virus and you being the pathetic baby mommas boy you are stay home while I show up and deal with all the shit you run away from.

SOmetimes its becuase your freaked out family that does things in stubbern selfish ways.

Sometimes its becusae your a lazy ass bum who dosn't do anyhting. You don't htink anything through and so you'll keep me up until midnight when I beg to go to sleep and you'll get out of coming to school.

Really, you say you arn't selfish, and I guess maybe you mostly arn't, but this pissed me off.

Then theres the fact that when were around each other you act like I have to be bulit around you. YOU have to have something to sink into so I've gotta be good enough for both of us and let you can jump ship whenever your moms in a good enough mood to call you in.

This is why it was so infuriting to be around you. I'm starting to almost hate you for it.

I want to tell you to leave me alone but I don't want you to.

Bah!

Drifting falling

2007-05-05T15:27:00.000-07:00

Tired Sick Mad About to throw up

Why am I doing this?

Going to sleep.

Long.

Pretty in Pink or Duckie gone mad?

2007-04-29T18:46:00.000-07:00

*Snorts*

Manwhore.

We got married last night, you were late of course, and I pondered what I was doing.

It felt sorta like Christmas full of unwanted attention.

I shruged it off though and put my head on your sholder and told myself it'd be okay.

Weird huh?

The parents let them sholder all the blame

2007-04-27T17:30:00.000-07:00

I'm horrible at all I strive for, I don't know how to help you, or how to defend you.

Shut up Virginia and be strong. The easiest way to do that is to not think about it at all.

In class when the teachers call me out becuase I'm done with their work, or when I laugh at an inner thought, and they call me lazy and a procrastenator, it ticks me off.

"Why am I here" I think, why do I put up all your crap? Do they not remember what its like to be 16 and responsible for everything and get no appriation for it at all? Yeah you only gave us a hour of work but what all all the other worth nothing worksheets your 'co-workers' add?

Heres the thing, I might actualy take time to focus my stupid pathetic mind to focus on your stupid patheic homework, and all I get from you is crap about how I"m not trying hard enough.

Four freakin people I knew died and you were yelling becuase I dind't know how to find some math issue.

And you know what, I'm not even going to use them as an excuse. I just wish you'd look around at the crying kids and not pick them out to yell at.

I honestly don't know hwat more I can do to please you people.

Searching for blood in the salty sea

2007-04-24T16:10:00.001-07:00

If I Don't think about anything, its not so hard to go on.

I hope that slab gets an A

2007-04-13T12:01:00.000-07:00

It meant a lot to me that you took me seriously and only made one joke about me being too emotional and doing unnecessary hand movements.

In fact, you took it so seriously that I'm a little worried you'll go to that horrible woman yourself .

You'll always have my respect.

And I thought we'd grown out of this.

2007-04-10T11:37:00.000-07:00

I figured you were skiping until you walked in with 20mins to go telling us how you'd just been in jail for a failure to appear.

The fight was mentioned. I thought that was all worked out. So did you apparently.

They through that eraser and maybe it was just your temper or the stress of all the crap giong on,but oyu went off on that kid like a shaken spray can and I couldn't get you to be quiet.

So much for tha anger thing going away.

Then they called your name and told you it was all amistake, your behavor had been very kind and thus you had a clean slate.

But don't fight again.

And your half way to chachigo before good bye is said

2007-04-09T18:38:00.000-07:00

I don't know what to do with you, I hope its just a fling thing you do with everyone else. I thought I liked the sweet comments and pictures but now its creepy.

Into the depths of my backpack go your feelings.

I hate you red days like the blisters from 8th grade basketball tryouts that never healed. You make my toe look larger then it is.
**

I'm glad you got the memo.

finaly.

**
If my father had played one on one instead of softball I'd be a lean mean awesome machineen. Instead stupid thoughts of modern society fill my head as I eat chocolate covered pretzels.

I'm mad. I don't know why.

***

I was hardcore about letting you know I didn't like your words. I knew you were right, but I dindn't want to do the right thing. You don't know what its like and I dind't want to go into grave detail in the chance you actualy did.

Do something stupid for once

**
I was selfish about the car. To Both of you. I"m sorry that I"m that petty.....I'm sorry I have to rely on you at all.

I'm sorry I din'dt go to bed an hour ago.

Your too young to be this empty

2007-04-06T18:02:00.000-07:00

Does it make me a bad friend to write almost everything you say off as you being overly dramatic and a baby?

There are certain points in which I feel increidlby sorry for you, and for your life, and I wonder how your strong enough to deal with it.

But then there are the times when I know your dramatizing your issues to get my pity or my attention or whatever it is and I just want you to know i"m not impressed.

Because you can't surprise me. Nothing you say is news or interesting. i really want to help you, but I don't think you want it.

Plus, I may have a few tricks up my sleeve.

When they raise the landing gear will you stay here?

2007-04-05T15:54:00.000-07:00

There are so many people we meet in life, and some are only in it for an hour or four 10mins....but how long does it take for someone to have an impact?

sometimes stuff starts happening and we didn't even know it was going on until after the whole ordeal was gone....

On trips I can meet people and talk to them very brefily and wish I was staying longer to know them, or I can wish I was going home sooner to get away...

There are people I"ve met for 10mins that I remember more then people I've lived with for 6 weeks.

There was Mike tonight, who was funny and a dork who talked about school and baseball. I'll never see him again, and its just as well, but will anything he said make a difference in my life later on?

There was Angie, who woke me up at 5 in the morning to take showers *Sepretly* who called her mom in South Africa at 7, so I could talk to her, and who I wanted to kill on so many occasions.

What did I learn from Angie? Or was it Tasnibe who made all the difference?

Its probably a good thing we don't know waht will impact us the most in our lives, then we might go out of our way to avoid them or meet them. Most of us would probably miss them or ignore them all together.....

It makes me sad to leave places. Even if I hated them, becuase as harsh as it seems, its not hard to leave someone youv'e become close to for a short time to go back to your past life. Maybe you'll ponder them, or have a funny antidote, but how do we know when someones made a difference?

I remember pick-pockets and street performers, the life gaurd who yelled at me in a pool, and billboards on the interestate.

I don't know my brothers favorite color, or how many siblings my dad has. I don't remember the names of army heros but I can tell you how white the mans teeth who drove our taxi in New York was.

I can tell you all about the photographer on a whale watch who I wanted so badly to talk to but couldn't think of anthing to say.

I know my next door neighbor has a friend named Ticen, but I don't know his name....

Its weird

2007-04-01T16:30:00.000-07:00

be strong. I know you can be. don't let her stupidness make you do something dumb.

And tonight I walk through an empty street

2007-03-30T12:53:00.000-07:00

will a week away referse the sprial?

He was short but not fat

2007-03-28T18:56:00.000-07:00

My face is on fire. My brain has been burned and my softball coach is to blame.

My eyes don't focus on anything thats colder then my skin, if they do they water, I'm tired.

My heart and common sense brain lenght is tired. My dealing with issues is tired. I've sliped up with my words and I have a feeling it will bite me back.

But then again, that was with him, a differnt person who dosn't do the shallow thing. He dosn't do much of anything actualy, and I wish I loved him.

But I don't, at least not now.

I'm going to pretend Laura didn't tell me anything that might make me uncomfortable, beucase the best way to ruin a friendship is to try and make it something more. *Not with Laura you sickos* lol

I"m giong to go sleep now

And we'll sing when winter's finaly broken

2007-03-26T11:51:00.000-07:00

I wasn't prepaired for how easily he told me you had cancer, or how much he hurt to say it.

And when I got yelled at I was surprised.

When they told me you were okay today I wasn't surprised though. I knew you would be.

And if they tell you you only have 3 weeks left again, at least you'll get spring break.

In refrence to those momentary times of insantiy

2007-03-24T11:08:00.000-07:00

I hate my hair I hate my cloths I hate my feet I hate my body I hate my school I hate my computer I hate my personaity I hate my freckles I hate my face I hate my diet I hate my glasses I hate my earings I hate my softball team I hate my grades I hate my teachers I hate my bordem I hate hating things randomly.

*Screams and slams door*

2007-03-18T20:13:00.000-07:00

Why can't I talk to you?

I know why we broke up, you were always too good for me.

I"m really tired of life and of your crap.

Just for future refrence, if you had stayed online, I wouldn't have dignified you with a response.

It can't be won

2007-03-18T17:37:00.000-07:00

Its time for me to be movin on.

Easier said then done.

Its like...

2007-03-16T13:15:00.000-07:00

Why does it seem as though everyone in my life has been fake but the one person I refuse to be with?

Why do I let you use everything I have just so you can continue to screw me over and even as I type I know tomorrow we'll be fine.

You really are a dick though. I love you, but your a dick.

To write love on her arms

2007-03-15T16:37:00.000-07:00

Part of the problem I think is that they make it so very poetic on blogs and in books. It is dark, harmful, and yet they portray it as beautiful.

All it is is shame really.

I may end up being pleasently surprised. I might just get let down. Again.

Your all so not my scene anymore.

The year was 2007

2007-03-12T17:54:00.000-07:00

So today I decided I was pretty tired of being everywhere at once, being brave and strong, pretending to care, caring, school, teachers, softball, parents, non-friends.

To my mother, who I love, and whom loves me dearly,

I'm tired of you getting on me. This is what I suggest. If you want to tell at me for having my shoes in the bathroom, figure out where the hell I go afterschool. take some damn responsibilty for the house and for me. I know your tired. I know you don't feel very well right now. Don't bitch at me for a parents meeting I don't particurly want you at anyway. I'm not making you go.

In the car on the way home when your blaming me for the world issues, I'd appriciate if you'd not tell me all I do is bitch and that you don't want to here it.

News flash, you don't know where I am half the time. You don't hear it. I spent my fucking birthday with people I've known for 2 days becuase you locked yourslef in the guest bed room and felt bad because you didn't have anything prepaird.

And guess what, despite your efforts, i still had a good birthday.

Do not act like as if I force you to do so many difficutl things. Trust me. I would have you as little as invovled as possible. Trust me. If I could drive, you wouldn't be anywhere near me or my needs.

***

To my father, who thinks he's the poor pathetic man I"m begingin to consider him,

Go screw yourself. I spent 3months in a row in a fucking hospital because you were too damn selfish to take care of yourself in the first place. Don't tell me your sick, you made yourself that way. You gulit me into doing all your shit for you and then bring me down becuase I'm never strong enough or not a boy. One thing your selfishnes has taught me is I can do whatever the heck I need to do to get by.

Think of mom once in a while m'kay? Everything will and always will be about you oh amazing lord of hte house, but she's the one who keeps everything together, or at least trys, so shut up and go with it. I can leave in 3 years. she can't.

Or, you can do that whole devorce thing again.

****
This all sounds very selfish. This all sounds like I don't appriciate them. I do, I swear it. But I want them to either pick parent or annoyance so I can bulid my life around that.

The Trap you set for us seems to have caught your own leg

2007-03-12T15:31:00.000-07:00

Wow.

Lets just say....I'm so glad I'm on this end of you. Seriously, grow up.

Todays My Birthday

2007-03-11T07:28:00.000-07:00

In 5th grade I didn't bring in cupcakes becuase i was afriad someone wouldn't like them

In 6th grade Chelsea Jones made me a sign with my name on it and gave me lipgloss

In 7th grade I had the Brithday Countdown.

In 8th Kristi ran into the lunchroom carrying cake.

In 9th grade I spent 2 weeks dreading it.

In 10th grade I spent half the night with my two best friends, the morning with my other, and none of them forgot.

I'm so lucky. This is what I'm going to have myself remember.

And...I know why everything happened now.

And were all gonna go to hell...

2007-03-09T17:27:00.000-08:00

I knew it once.....took it too far, forgot, became mindless,

But you gotta kill yourself a little to really live.

2007-03-06T16:58:00.000-08:00

I am tired, afraid, and tired of being afraid.

Coward in every sense of the word.

If its bad, I'm going to be blamed.

A reminder

2007-02-27T13:57:00.001-08:00

That my problems, as messy and hurtful as they are, are not the peek.