Realization

Today I realized, I'm terrified of talking and connecting to boys. I do not know why this is. Before I talked to them and connected and sometimes they'd like me more then I liked them but they always ended up my best friends.

So why do i keep pushing them all away here?

My realization

I don't think you get to say the things you do, act the way you do, without any consequences.

I'm almost strong enough to stop you. No more of me hanging on.

Ummmmmm

Theres never anyone to talk to about Kyle. Its like a stuipd on and off again dating thing, only we're not dating, so even LESS people understand. No one understands, I don't understand, He doesn't understand.

He wants ot make it better. I want to fight. I want to fix everything. He wants to be depressed.

He screwes all of my plans up. Everyone of them.

I keep secrets from him. Way too many. I keep secrets as colateral. I gotta have something up my sleeve to deal with his curve balls.

Damn his curve balls. I like spontenaity, but only the day trip to the pool kind. I like to be spontanious. Not other people. Other people need to be predictable so I can figure out what they're going to do. Kyle needs to be predictable. Kyle needs to be Kyle that I knew in 9th and 10th grade, not this stupid new kyle.

I think he's happier now though. Actualy i have no idea. I don't know about anything anymore. I'm too busy to have friends. I'm too busy to hang out. I'm too busy to sit down and talk. I'm too busy to go get coffee. I'm too busy to deal with new girlfriends. I'm too busy to check my email. I'm too busy to whine in blogs.

Its gotten me lots of awards. Its gotten me in good with Doctor Arnold. Its gotten me in the paper in the church in the school in the community in the American Legion.

Its gotten me success.

I'm loosing Kyle.

I've lost kyle.

And the WORST part is, I'm not sure I'm willing to make it better. I'm too busy to try. I'm too busy to do things. I'm too busy to think about how to fix things. I"M TOO BUSY.

I love being busy. I love not havnig time to update things. I love having things to do everyday. I love my life.

I hate dealing with people exiting though.

I don't know where I"m going with any of this. I'm not sure I want to go anywhere with this. I'm not sure.

I miss him.

I hate Suzie. Thats a Kasey High thing to say, becuase its unfounded and not fair to anyone, and all it does it try to tell me that I'm justified for disliking someone for no reason.

But its an almost real emotion. It makes me feel bad, and dirty, and fake, and wrong, and hypcretical.

But I kinda do...

At West Point I"ll hate everything. My life, myself, my chioces, but I won't have time or incentive to be bothered by this.

Thats a plus.

thats a plus

And it leans on me, like a rootless tree

Ladies and Gents, I've been a fool.

Mostly.

actualy pretty much everything about it is foolish...

except, I think its okay. I mean, when am I going to have a BETTER time in my life to make mistakes?

Mhm I know right!? Never! So I MIGHT as well I've them all up now....

Mr. B is making a effort, and I shall double that effort, and then he shall tripe his so he won't be out done, and before you know it, we shall be GOLDEN!

I have 18 weeks left of high school. Thats a fact.

Hm, Mostly I shall focus on the moment. I can do anything for a day you know.