Can we Fake it, can we make believe

Once again, I question when I became important enough to cause fights and arguments.

It seems as though I can no longer please anyone by being kind, that's what got me into this predicament. That's the problem with friends ya know, if your nice to them once they just keep coming back for more and more.

Seriously, it should not be a big deal if I didn't make plans with you. It should not make you angry that I don't WANT to make plans with you, I'm just not a really big party person.

Let me sit home and read. I don't want to do another movie night. I love you all, and I promise I'll help you out, but sometimes I just need a little time and no commitments.

Nothing is certain, and I think my problem is I get so upset when things don't work out according to plan that I've stoped making plans. Spurr of the moment decisions now control my life, and for the most part that works for me.

It doesn't work for Kyle. Or Jon. Or anyone else for that matter.

Actually it works for Aaron. Our shared.....issues work perfectly together.

The moral of this story is, sometimes I want nothing more than to tell everyone to get over it. I don't know why my presence is important enough to you to throw a fit. Your just going to talk to other people once I'm there, and that's cool, so just let me sit at home and read.

Its christmas time!

This year has gone my extremely fast. A LOT has changed, and I love most of it.

This time last year I spent every night with Kyle, loving ever moment of it, and was incredibly grateful for a friendship like that.

I was also quite fond of a certain Broderick Goodnight, whom was doing his very best to ignore me on account of me turning him down twice....ON this very night I recall forcing myself to stay up so I could talk to him, and him really not caring.

BUT it was okay because it was the first time I felt the little twinge of romantic excitement and I was going to ride it.

During the break I hung out with Aaron and Brody for the first time, an event that would be the catalyst for sooooo much awesomeness. Aaron has been the best friend someone could have and Brody has...good intentions.

My family was well and my attitude good.

And things are still that way.

I have two new best friends, it seems things have finally worked out on the Mr.McCoy front :), Kyle admited begrudgingly that he loved me no matter how dumb I can get, and I'm so thankful for all the good people around me.

I don't have to be forcefully happy or peppy anymore. I'm strong but I don't have to be as often as before. I love being able to drop it all and be with my family, but I love the fact I don't have to.

Whats that sound?

So today I realized why I'm not afraid about starting college, or moving away, or any of the coming of age things my peers fear.

And I think this is the reason why. I am more afraid of screwing up all the precious relationships here, then I am of moving away and leaving them all in good condition.

That is what really scares me.

Also, my titles always come from the song lyric thats playing at the moment.....lol, just incase I ever need to remember WHY i chose that.

Call me pathetic, call me what you will

STOP SUFFICATING ME

I don't know when everyone got so desperate that I becasme the deciding factor to whether or not they had an enjoyable day, but I really don't feel like dealing with their social problems.

Don't tie me down, please. I love you both but I have enough committments in my life that on my days off I just can't deal with set in stone social engagments.

How sad is it I complain about people wanting to hang out?

Its a hard thing to explain....maybe someday I'll figure it out and do a better job.

Like Pheonix with a heartach

I've come to realize several things.

Just becuase I want something badly enough, dosn't mean its going to happen. I shouldn't force it, and obsesse over it like I've been doing. I have to let things happen, and go on living regardless of what occurs.

I'm not ready for my story to be interupted yet. I'm ashamed I let this happen again, but I can end it differntly and that is what is important.

Of Love and pain

I want to blame her for all the pain your experiencing. I almost hated her for you, that part was easy. Then I realized that you deserved better than that, because you do put up with all my boy drama, so I tried to be her friend.

You told me the way she looks you in your eyes kills you.

You like her soooooo much. I'd do anything to make this whole thing easier for you. I'd take the pain for you. I'm at least used to this, you were innocent. I want you to be happy....thats all I want.

All of these lines across my face

I think I made a mistake when I became so focused on achieving certain goals.

The problem was that I didn't know how to be successful without putting all my energy into the finaly outcome, I usualy say I'm a pretty laid back person who likes to procrastenate, but the truth is I've been working towards things my entire life, and sometimes I think maybe that distances me from whats actualy going on around me.

This weekend I realized I've lost track of a lot of things. I forgot how to just enjoy life. I have to be doing something 24/7 to feel like a good person, but I think what really determines a good person is how they act when they have down time.

So today I took the time to listen to some slow songs, yes Kyle they don't always suck, and I'm starting to really feel emotions other than stress. Its been a long time sense that has happened, and though I can't say I'm totaly okay with everything its nice to be able to process life.

I'm a senior in highschool. The prequell is coming to a close and I'm ready to start the rest of the series. Just someone remind me to not loose the context inbetween books.

Becuase I don't know any meaningful song lyrics

I'm not as strong as I thought I was, and I'm not as reponsible as I play myself up to be. Matuirtiy is a two edged sword, and sometimes I don't want to be the good kid.

I also think theres some sort of sub-human ability to be able to tell when members of the oppisote sex like one another. We can all tell Just.Like.That and I don't see how we could know any other way.

I don't really know what to say. I dind't have a very good day, I'm sure I know whats going on, and I kinda miss feel alright.

I never know if I can trust you. Right now I can't afford to take that chance.

Its getting old

This fighting with your thing is getting old mom. If we were together I"d break up with you. I know my responeses to some of your actions are immature and not as diplomatic as I act in other aspects of my life, but I feel as though you don't listen to me at all, I feel as though your never proud. I"m tired if you acting like I"m a failure. THats how you act.

Dad laughs and tells me I'm a stupid dramatic teenager. When dad does that I Think he can go fuck himself.

Today I think you can do the same thing. Or at least try doing what I do for one day. One day thats all I ask. Then you'd see. Then you would stop and i could finaly breath again.

So this is written to you mom. Not because I hate you, Or will stop loving you, but becuase quite frankly, I gave up getting along with you a long time ago when I realized the compramises were too great.

I'm not sure if I'm proud of that or not. I know you sure arnt, but then again you never are.

To You and to Me: In the Future

I hope that one day you look back at this and regret your decision. I hope your always left with "What If?"

I also hope that one day I look back at this and can't remember what I'm talking about.

Girl Unobstructed

These are my feelings without digging into them too much. This is what surface level Virginia thinks would be fun, and add to her quality of life, or perhaps just storys. This is what happens when you put someone in a math class 2.5 levels below their proper level.

I'm tired of giving Natile rides places. She's nice and kinds and a good christian but she is using me to ride with Kyle and its frusrating. Not on any deep level, I'm just tired of her assuming I want to give her a ride. She has not asked and its been two days in a row.

I'm tired of Kyle taking advantage of me. Never thought I"d say that. Ever. Its not big, its not gargantic. He's just grumpy unless he's with Natile, and I don't want to be their chaperone.

I think Andrea needs to shut up about West Point. She can tell people she wants to go but I don't want her telling people about me. They'll figure it out soon enough if I go through with it.

I want physical contact. It might sound slutty, but I don't care. I want to make out and I want it to not mean that much. I want it to be an enjoyable but not perfect experience that was only for the benifit of having some fun.

I do not like being in a goverment class with Derek. You can figure out the reasons.

I DO like it when guys take second looks. I DO like getting numbers from people on vacation. I will never call them nor would I really want to be in a relationship with any of these people, nor would I do the afformentiond random makeout thing with them...but it passes the time.

I can't do a pull up.

OOOOOOOH! ANd your new car is nice. So is your new phone. So is your expensive video game systems, music collection, and comic book habit. PLEASE stop saying I"M the spoiled one.

The new

I don't care about cloths, or hair, or boys, or silly fights, or slow drivers, or bad softball days or fat days or bored days or rain or lack of sleep.

I care about people. I care about love. I care about others. I care about spending money on things that are important, on things that can help people. I care about the challange. I care about doing the best we can. I care about America. I care about the world.

Let my senior year be the best one yet.

Last night

Last night was fun.

We wrestled each other for your phone. We were alone in your room and it was fun.

Nothing happened.

It was just enough to confuse you.

Murder and Death

I've been called in to help determine if the voice on an audio tape truly belongs to the woman in question. As I"m listening intently, I"m suddenly called into another part of the castle. There has been a murder.

Please investigate the ask. My ego swells. I am the best. I am also nervose. What happened here? What if they come for me? THe body lays on teh couch and the people with camras move abaout taking crime scene photos.

Suddenly someone grabs me. Are you interested in philosophy? There as been another murder and we need people to research old methoids of killing. Here, join them on the balcony where they study.

Screams can be heard. A moan, only louder and more unpleasent. WE all know there has been a third victim, but no one can find him. I have a sickening feeling he is incased in a wall.

I start to become quite scared. Everyone knows I"m going to solve this, including the murderer. I look down at hte scene. Two bodies, some detectives. I don't make eye contact.

I hear the scream again.

*****************

I open my eyes. I"m strapped to a wall along with four other corpes. Two female two male. They tell me they are going to create spawn with them. They begin to cut open the females when they wake up and begin screaming.

The light goes out

I hear gun shots and awake to find the scientist dead and the corpes fully animated. The other Scientists has run off to call for help presumably.

THe woman with the gun begins aiming and shooitng at him. She yells "DIE DIE MAKE LOVE DIE"

I realize this isn't going to work, and that we are going to be the ones who die.

I wake up.

I havn't been sleeping very well.

I shall EAT my oppisition!

Actualy, my oh so lovely doctor says I have lost weight. YAY ME.

I'm terribly confused yet strangly sure of myself. True, I know nothing about relaionships, road trips, Washington D.C., or ex-boyfriends, but I"m of sound enough mind to know that all these things should not be worrysom thoughts plauging my mind.

In fact, I'm mostly chilling.

But then my mom will run in with something about GirlsNation, or Brody will pop up with a relationship question, and then Matt whats to know the exact itenerary for the zoo, and I get flustered.

Its NICE that people are concenred with my welfare....but its almost too much for me to handle at the moment. Let me get mall my stuff together, and then I'll ask for help.

You know, once I figure out what it is I need help with. Laura says to do whatever I think is right...but its htat pesky middle step of figuring out the right part that gets to me. I actualy think I've made the right choices. I really do.

SO THIS is what they mean when they say stay strong.....lol

Its all good people. Its all good.

The Great Escape (Not the song)

I am really really great at finding escapes. Healthy ones even! The occasional bike ride, a good book, a chat with a friend.

YOu know, just things that take your mind off of stressful bad things.

However after some thought experimentation *Einstein did that you know* I've come to a horrible conclusion.

If you stay in one of the little escape modes long enough, do you become deliusional? Does the positive of the happy land overwelm the stress of reality or is it the otherway around?

I bring this up becuase its summer time kids! Its summer and its freedom and its great and I love it.

What I DON'T love is this nagging reminder in the back of my head that makes me think I'm not good enough for the family anymore. Oh yes I know, I need to chill, I need to go with the flow, and really, I try. I do.

Most of hte time it even works! But they began dropping hints ever so slightly, things like "She's really in shape isn't she? Wonder how she does that" or "Wow, those are some high test scores" my personal favorite "So-and-so is really a hot shot. Thats really impressive".

Okay okay, I think to myself. They're always going on and on about other people and how impressive they are. I'm an impressive person. I do impressive things....right?

Here is where I began to worry. WHAT do I do that is impressive? I lost Honor Grad, only to come to grips with that fact, then my stupid boyfriend got mad at me for "Selling myself short" so I got the stupid thing back.

THEN, on and then the universe tricked me! *Disclamer: The end result of the following story was in actuality MY FAULT. I take blame. I really do. THeir were other factors invovled, but blame does lie mostly on my sholders*

I did poorly on a Precal Test. One that I studied for over 5hrs for. SERIOUSLY. I mean, I worked hard on that thing and I F'd it up. Its pathetic and a little bit sad but I was crushed. I tried my hardest and it wasn't even close.

While studying for this Test I was also playing sectionals.

Then Jon decided it'd be cool to go into the hospital, so his mom kept calling me, and stupid annoying people who REFUSE to let me move on kept guilting me about not pulling a Florence Nightengale.

I studied for all my other finals. I planned on studying for Precal but i was SO tired, Brodys Birthday also just HAD to be the next day and then I started pukeing.

Not from stess. I'm pretty sure it was leftover shrimp. Either way, as I took that precal final I didn't care WHAT i put down, I just focused on not pukeing.

Because I like to elaborate you may have forgotten the point of this tale. The point is that I now, once again, have a FANTASTIC C+ in Precal.

So my mom freaks out. So does the Dad *Who probably only just got his GQE*. The grandfather starts dropping hints about how amazing Matt is and how awesome this other girl is and how im lucky to be average.

I'm just so tired. Its a C+ its good enough for me. She says I didn't work hard enough, she goes behidn my back and calls Myers "Virginia you got the lowest grade in the class" (SOmething I doubt)

Their trying to pull the whole "You were sick dear, its not your fault, you only needed one more point, why couldn't you have tried just a little harder?" The dialog varies between extreme dissapointment and degust.

They're never just proud.

Yes. I was sick. I also didn't study. I also let other people distract me and get to me. Mostly, I was ready for summer, ready to be happy.

I think its unfair they claim I'm immature and act like I"m so dissapointing. I'm not going to be Valvictorian like DJ. I'm not going to West Point. I'm never going to do well in Math.

I'm sorry parentials. But I CAN NOT please you.

So I'm going to stop trying.

Emergency Surgery

GEEZE your mom is dramatic. Scared me to pieces.

But I havn't cried yet. Not bad eh? It'll probably hit tonight when I'm trying to learn how to do precal.

They say...

They say don't let talk get to you. It's just talk. What matters is the truth.

If you know the truth your golden.

I disagree. If you know the truth but all everyone else knows is the talk then whats left? Who's right? What becomes the truth?

This iwas supposed to be a no stress fun relationship. I was lonely. I wanted to be able to go on double dates. Have someone to hug, to learn someones scent.

I think I wanted Jon back. Just ya know, not Jon.

This relationship has not been that. This relationship began with people talking. Everyone was talking. I know I gossip. But a "WELCOME" committy was not what we needed.

"Who are you and why do you know my bussness?" became the order of the day.

Then it became awkwardness. Why was nothing working out? Its okay, roll with the punches. Its all just talk and perspective.

And now the family? Seriously? No one has EVER said I "get around" before. How can you spring this on me?

Am I a tease? Are there rumors I don't know about? You didn't trust me with aaron, now your worried I get around.

Its just talk though. I know the truth.

But who the hell wants the truth?

Confusion!

I'm confused! As apposed to my standard application of writing out my confusion in blog form I've decided to just internalize the whloe bit during finals week! It provides for excitement and joy and all sorts of other things.

PLUS Ethan can listen to ME whine about something for once!

Oh my, I'm dreading social interactions so much I'd rather do work!

Why are my relatinoships always of the unhealthy variatey? Why must I go to highschool for another year?

Emily Dickinson is famous and revered. SHe was also lonely and unhappy. I rather not be like her.

All the Dumb things you'll do

I had a dream last night.

Nightmare really, it had Jon in it and Derek was telling me how great he was getting along with all these girls...

I woke up scared that I cared so much.

Brody was physco all day.

Then 10mins before I leave

"TEll me the truth. Do you and aaron have soething?"

Where the hell did aaron come from?

Now he won't talk this out of course. Instead he's going to do nothing about it and assume its going to change.

This is not working out.

Little Did I know...

I think the bitterness I felt toward J held me back from a lot of things.

It hurt my realationship with Derek, and Kyle, and other people.

It made it so easy to blame everything on other people but I'm sure it made me look crazy person who couldn't get over the issues.

I hope that I can get over the issues. I hope that I don't loose the privledge of being peopels confidents. I'm happy, and invovled in others lives, I just don't want to loose that by accident.

Oh, and he has a facebook now. How strange.

And when did Derek grow a pair?

SEE! I'm missing things all the time

Regret and Lap Dances

We were going to say goodbye to you before you left. Derek Kyle and I. For some reason we decided to do this in the early morning.

For some reason we all slept in a car in your parking lot until the time. I was going to sneek out early so I could talk to you first but i Couldn't remember the numbers. I felt bad because I wrote you so many times while at camp but never remembered the numbers.

Derek was mad I still thought our relationship was specail. On the way to our house he and Kyle turned. "You don't belong here" said derek.

"Do you want me to leave?" I asked, knowning the answer.

"Go."

I woke up.
*****

I was getting married to an old man that looked like Kyles dad. I didn't know him, and the wedding looked tacky. Adam, Lea's boyfriend, offered to marry me instead. I looked at Brody, and then at Lea. They both shruged and ate pizza hut party.

I didn't want ot marry Adam. I didn't know him, but the guests were leaving and my mom was mad so I went along with it. I cried a bit, then began to do inappropaite things with him.

The next dream day I saw lea to find out tehy had broken up. Odd how marriages do that.

****

I was looking for someone and found myself on some sort of night club stage. Into the crowd went the dancers so I followed.

Nick Baily sat there looking nervose. So I gave him a lap dance.

****

Who knew I was so horny in my dreams? With almost completle strangers too.

Fears and Doubts

Sometimes, my desire to be free of everything out weighs everything else.

Well This is going well.

I wanna taste the breeze

We are working this out.

I have never felt as sure of anything as I did J, the person who told me you could feel safe with anyone was wrong, but I know its just something that takes time.

There are blended familys who have to deal with marriages and kids and all sorts of crazyness. No wonder the mental health in America is nuts, I don't know how those people can handle it.

I can't even figure out to work with Brody and J. We're all trying darnnit. Its just not that easy.

We eat lunch together, we ride in cars together, but then when its just me and him talking....things don't work.

Its alright though becuase were working! And if the crazy blended familys of america can do it with only a touch of mental instability then so can we!.

Spring Break, Phone Tag, and New Boyfriends

Perspective is humbiling.

Becuase at the moment I"m furstrated with the fact I insisted B' go to his dads becuase I thought we were all hanging out tomorrow night, only to find out that it is indeed going to be the old crowd all together and I will be the odd person out.

However I know that next week, this will not seem like a very big deal at all. Tomorrow in fact, it will not seem like a very big deal.

Networking my friends so they do not kill each other is a full time job ya know. Its difficult, and they arn't making it any easeir.

I feel as though it is my responsiblity to make sure balance occurs, becuase Kyle used to care about it and yet now it seems like I hvae cast away my plans for nothing.

But the kid is so darn senseitve that I can't tell him that becuase then he'll feel bad.

Tomorrow. It won't matter Tomorrow. :D

Also I have my new phone! too bad it has to be charged until 7 Tomorrow. :(

Drying the Ink

Today I changed my Facebook status.

It made me smile.

Softball and Pizza Deliveries

So I had a dream.

We had just played a softball game and Clark told me to get the pizza to another school so we could all eat it together.

I get in a car and look for the school, which I don't know the locaiton of, and decide to head towards the only thing near by, a apartment complex.

Around this apartment complex is a hall way, so i deside to drive up it

Suddenly I relize i can't turn around and the path only goes up. I decide my only choice is to roof hop the buildigns to look for the school.

Then I"M in in the car, I"m just jumping from roof to roof, holding a pizza.

I drop the pizza, peering down I notice its on a slightly lower roof, but for some reason I can not get to it.

My only option, therefor, is to jump off hte buliding. I hung off the side for a while.

Then I let go.

Happy Birthday to Me

Its my birthday.

IT was fun. And delightful, and quaint.

Will I remember it for the rest of my life?

Probably not.

But it was fun, delightful, and quaint. I'm Glad it happend or I wouldn't be here :)

When the world comes out from under you

There have only been three distinct times in my life where I felt truly stupid.

I've written about two in here, one more distinctly than the other.

Here is the third.

You can NOT trust guys. Any of them. Even the really really really nice ones whom you've known FOREVER and love more than anything.

Becuase the thing is, if your really good friends with a guy, they will want more.

I built my entire life off the notion you can have great guy friends who are only, and simply, friends. Perhaps this was a really stupid idea, but it seemed to be working.

And then tonight I was thinking. It has NOT been working. From a distance, every guy I talk to is great and amazing and my friend. But as SOON as you get to that intimate level of friendship, they mistake my intintions and ask me out.

Every. Single. One.

At first it was scary. How does one deal with such an occurance? But this is no exaguration folks. Every single boy I have ever, EVER been friends with had asked/ made it known to me that they've liked me at least once.

So I got used to it. Laughed at it and honestly had no issues with it. "haha, silly guy is just confused" I'd say. Besdies, it always worked out okay in the end. Better even. Sure, it took time and a few awkward situations, but it always always today. I always had a corner stone to fall back on.

Today my cornerstone broke. And with it, everything I thought I knew about life and saftey cracked beneath my feet.

I'm going to pretend it did not happen. I'm not going to think about it or talk about it. But its impossible not to think about it.

Why would you do this? I'm being selfish. But why?

Yesterday I woke up SO happy. You don't even know how happy.

Now I can't stop shaking...

Debating Miss Dasiy

Two weeks after districts, a frustrating night, i had my first ever debate dream.

I was angry becuase we had a judge who did not know what they were doing. She made us sit in a type of formation that did nothing coducive. She also would not let me speak.

I sat there and thought to myself we are going to loose becasue my partner, who was not Jacob Ogle as per usual, but a female who i belvie was a cross between Elise Duncan and Jordan Parkhurst, was not a goodenough speaker to pull out with the win.

The judge gave me a look and said "hurry up"

So frazzled, I ran up to do a cross fire.

I left feeling angry and perterbed.

This morning I woke up angry, and pathetic.

Subconsciouse Lullaby

I had a dream where you were hurt, becuase you did something rebelliouse and stupid and I felt bad and responsible.

I woke up feeling like I hadn't in a year, when i told you you looked at me and acted like I was stupid.