A reminder

That my problems, as messy and hurtful as they are, are not the peek.

Spinless my bestset friend

Picking sides is not difficult. There is only one side. Different perceptions, and still I knew all along where I stood.

I'm glad I'm not alone

Don't break the ice

I'm increidlby tired of walking on egg shells. Breakthroughs are painful and apolgies make me sick.

The great debate of contact is becoming more and more difficult to pick a side.

That is all

Yes yes yes title and all of that nonsense

Derek my dear, I'd like to inform you that your reasoning is horrible, your actions repulsive, and your backbone nonexistant.

I'd also like to thank you for the honestey my friend. At least someone can still say what they mean.

Jonathon my darling, please, if your not okay tell me, becuase theres only so much I can do when you lie to my face. Now I know how you felt.

Myself, my dahling, congragulations on severing the things that make you bitter. They do you no good and frankly I'm proud you deleted it all.

Laura pumpkin, he sounds JUST like you know who, I'd tell you to stay away, but your too much like me to listen. I hope your little heart isn't broken.

Letting Go of you helped me relize the world

Its the one thing I need to talk about...Your the last person I need to talk to.

I am dirt. I hate that I was a coward and screwed everything up. I want to tell you all the horrible things I've done and did to you. I want you to hate me. Just for a while.

But I can't tell you any of this becuase I know your'll get sad and try to comfort me. your still way to into it. Its been...almost 2 months and yours till way too into it. I'm afraid I'm giong to break you. I was always afraid I was going to break you.

I'm afraide I already broke you.

I broke all of this. Things played out on their own but I was the catalyst. Why couldn't I hold it together? Why couldn't I have kept my mouth shut?

I hate how fast I got over all of this. You were a part of me.....I'd get sick when you were sick. I'd cry when you were upset...I tried to take every bad thing that happend to you and make it my own.

I don't even feel an attraction anymore. None. It dosn't exist. I don't remember how that felt...

Sometimes I picture you, and I imagen your smell, and our hands and your arms.

And I get nothing. I know your first major relationship is supposed to fail...but its supposed to fail because you were stupid teenagers who screwed it up...

I guess the world got tired of us being happy so it decided to just make any feelings I had stop. They gave them all to you.

Sometimes...the words you use drive me crazy. :)

Mighty Moshing Emo Rangers

The Green Makes me happy and spring filled.

Last night I stayed up and read this stinkin book that you gave me. I'm vandelizing it as I go, just for a heads up.

But I'm doing it in a way that may make you laugh later.

It made me think about a lot of things that made me feel good and bad at hte same time. It made me think that i don't have to be ashamed of anything anymore.

Stuff right now isn't great. Its mostly not even good. I hurt....but I'm okay.

"Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional."- Greta Randolph

I think that means that I dont have to be okay with everything to be fine. I think that means that I should show more emotion to my friends. Maybe put a little more out there.

I love all of my guys, but I'm begining to love my girls just the same in differnt ways. I need both.

I'm begining to love people. Even the ones who drive me absolutly crazy. EVEN the kid who sits in front of me in Study Hall.

Be ready for an emo entry in the future! haha

Half of me wants to go into incredible vibrate detail.

Logicly speaking it will only annoy you though.

1 am.

3 great conversations.

3 great guys.

I used to do this all the time. I still think I'll go to bed early on most days, but this ain't half bad.

Maybe before you lash out at me, you should think.

Everything that has happend I did to try to make oyu happy.

You threw it in my face.

Maybe it's immature to block you. But I don't see productivity flowing from our conversations.

Maybe before you blame me for hurting your relationship, you should know that two weeks ago when she told me she wasn't going to talk to you anymore I said no, that i Couldn't do that to you. That I wanted you happy.

but you just want me to be a bad person.

Another thing. To your arugment that i have things figured out and I shove it in others faces.

I used to hate myself. I used to hate everything in the world. I would pray I didn't wake up in the morning.

Then, I became happy. So sorry me being somewhat okay with life makes you so darn uncomfortable.

I blocked you becuase now you can get everything you want. You can have Kasey, which honestly I hope makes you happy, maybe Kasey and can be friends again.

Soooooooooooooooooo I've done some thinking here abouts.

What I did was wrong. Not Right. My Fault. And I should apolgise for it.

Apolgising for it is not the hard part. Owning up to it is not the hard part.

The hard part, is watching Derek, someone I confided in, someone who confided in ME, act like I was this horrible person who said mean things about you.

Yeah, he was definitly not saying you had a great heart Friday.

But thats you and Dereks problem. I'm staying out of it.

Thats another concluison I've come to.

I don't know why I have such a hard time with this friendship thing with you. Its like, were friends, you freak out about something stupid, I get yelled at, I decide there is no way its worth it.

And then....then I miss having you around. Because your fun. And sometimes, when your not being petty and stupid, you actualy use your head and your nice to talk to. Sometimes those instances are few and far between.

It is becuase of those instances that I come back to you I think. Even then its not like I can't get this from other friends. I do have them, but its YOU I put the effort into.

People keep asking me "Why do you even talk to her?"

And I blush and say "She's not so bad"

Then they call you a whore. Thats them, not me.

So basicly what I"m saying is, I don't know why I come back to you. Nothing about this friendship is logical. Maybe thats why I"m afraid I keep saying I want to pull away.

Maybe because I"m refusing to pull away means I don't really want to be away at all.

Guess I"m just confused.

And another issue to this friendship, is the boy.

Maybe thats the most confusing part. I'm not jealouse you have him......I just don't know how to be friends with him and you.

I mean I do, but when I was he did not like you. Now he does, and it gets pretty stupid.

So my plan was to avoid all that.

Then he starts asking questions. Things we've talked about. Things you deny, but I know you know you said them. You've said them to me.

You have said things to me in a confidence that I"ve broken. For that I'm really really sorry. It was stupid of me. And wrong, and my fault. It is THAT that I am apolgising for.

But you did say them. I actualy understand the covering your tracks bit. Your good at that. They eat out of the palm of your hand, once again, thats your issue to deal with.

Its gonna work out in your favor you know? I"ll come out looking like a bitch, you'll come out looking like the hurt little princess, but I"ll apolgise and you'll easily forgive

*After the initial yelled and cussing of course, that i couldn't possibly give back to you because it hurts your feelings*

And then life will go on its merry way until something happens again.

I may have made you cry, not hard to do, you cry all the time. But I didn't mean to, I Really didn't. I honostly don't know why you'd even care what I think about you. I really don't. I'm not sure how I feel on this point. You've always said it hurt when I was mad at you.....maybe you really do.

I don't get that.

I don't really get why anyone would care what I Think. Contrary to waht you think, I don't think your below me. Were pretty equal actualy. This recent knowladge that I can't keep a secret is only too obviouse

Half the time I don't even care what I Think. I think what I can but do what I have to do to try to get through with out getting hurt, with out falling down like I have before, to avoid all the things that almost killed me before.

I don't care if you don't like me.

I don't care if you hate me.

But I don't want you to think that I hate you. Becuase I honostly don't. I don't Kasey, I swear.

So....I guess this is whats gonna happen.

Were gonna talk.

Your gonna go off on me *I've done this like 8 times now, I know how it works*

I'm gonna just say sorry.

Over and over again if need me. I'm going to tell you I don't hate you. I'm going to hope you believe me.

If it works out again fine, thats awesome.

And then, I'm not going ot have any part in it.

Because not to blame other things, but I could do a LOT better at 'miscontruing your words" or whatever if you didn't tell me how you feel about him, or him, or him.

And if he didn't demand info, I wouldn't feel obligated to give it.

I don't quite know how I plan on acomplishing this. Perhaps long sabaticals at Kyles and an increased softball work ethic. A new Debate event. I don't know.

Your gonna think I"m being a cold bitch, you'll probably call me one. But I'm doing it so I don't hurt you more. Or him.

Or myslef.

Later.

Love Hate Relationships

I find I have a love hate relationship with most things.

I love Karam when it works in my favor, I hate it when it dosn't

The same with Irony

I think the two can be interchangable

This song makes me dance.

Talking to him on the phone for 2hrs makes me smile, even if I Don't know why were talking

A pact made me smile. Things don't always change.

Those who were there then are there now. SOme new have been added. I know who is there now.

I was wrong, but all that came of that was knowladge and better friendships with the old group.

I guess I'm sad your mad at me, and accusing me of things.

But I don't think I really am, becuase I've known these things about myself all along.

I'm sorry, and I take the blame....but I'm not going to work on them just becuase you decided to notice.

We were always distructive.

Sign laungage

So, heres the deal.

I'm on a treadmill, and I'm running.

I mean really running. I"m thinking that maybe if I run fast enough, every mad bone in my body will sweat ouf of me.

And I'm running far because I don't want to go back were I have to face you, and I don't want to come home to us aruging like an old married couple only were not old or married.

I've been trying to figure out why the heck I keep coming back to this argument, and why I'm not letting it go but not getting it out there.

And then I'm thinking about the millions of conversations we've had, and how we've never been like this nonesense.

I increase the speed becuase I don't like this train of thought.

Then I start to think about all the crap you've said, and all the crap I've said. We're pretty similar I think....in what we say, and what we mean.

And I know I didn't mean any of what I said, and somehow, I know you don't either.

I'm also thinking about how life with you was great, but life with out being 'with' you will be great too, but theres no reason why we shouldn't be us.

Suddenly this whole, fighting thing seems really really stupid.

So I decide there and then that when I get home I'm just gonna tell you I don't care about what happened because....well I don't.

It bothered me. But if i had to chose over a friendship and being bothred, theres really no choice.

I'm gonna be there for you man, and I know your going to be there for me. Thats all I really need.

I know you have your own stuff to deal with.

I know you've got issues and problems and beef and history.

But your so completely disgusting. I want to hate you with all I have. I do NOT understand those like you.

I hope for your own sake you shut up and do whats right for once. No one deserves whats happening. Think about someone other than yourself.

We feel for him.

Small town beltdown

I have my blanket tied around myself aboe the waste. Its not flattering but neither am I, besides if I close my eyes and focus I can pretend I'm an egyptian princess.

I don't like snakes either.

She talks to me more than before and it makes me feel like maybe I'm getting back whatever I lost. Rachel speaks of late night escipades and the eggs that looked gross and how Krisit picked out the stuff to go in them and I remember the first time kristi did

And I know Kristi does too, and that she was thinking about it last night, and she probably even used the stupid term I came up with to pretend to fit in and it makes me think maybe stuff isn't that far gone.

I'm not unhappy with life......I'm pissed at it.

And I'm mad at so much that dosn't even deserve me thinking about it.

And I'm greatful for many things that arn't recieving my attention...

And the fuck is he making decisions for me?

Mostly I"m mad at myself.....but that dosn't keep me from muttering things under my breath.

Everwood has given me hope.