Soooooooooooooooooo I've done some thinking here abouts.

What I did was wrong. Not Right. My Fault. And I should apolgise for it.

Apolgising for it is not the hard part. Owning up to it is not the hard part.

The hard part, is watching Derek, someone I confided in, someone who confided in ME, act like I was this horrible person who said mean things about you.

Yeah, he was definitly not saying you had a great heart Friday.

But thats you and Dereks problem. I'm staying out of it.

Thats another concluison I've come to.

I don't know why I have such a hard time with this friendship thing with you. Its like, were friends, you freak out about something stupid, I get yelled at, I decide there is no way its worth it.

And then....then I miss having you around. Because your fun. And sometimes, when your not being petty and stupid, you actualy use your head and your nice to talk to. Sometimes those instances are few and far between.

It is becuase of those instances that I come back to you I think. Even then its not like I can't get this from other friends. I do have them, but its YOU I put the effort into.

People keep asking me "Why do you even talk to her?"

And I blush and say "She's not so bad"

Then they call you a whore. Thats them, not me.

So basicly what I"m saying is, I don't know why I come back to you. Nothing about this friendship is logical. Maybe thats why I"m afraid I keep saying I want to pull away.

Maybe because I"m refusing to pull away means I don't really want to be away at all.

Guess I"m just confused.

And another issue to this friendship, is the boy.

Maybe thats the most confusing part. I'm not jealouse you have him......I just don't know how to be friends with him and you.

I mean I do, but when I was he did not like you. Now he does, and it gets pretty stupid.

So my plan was to avoid all that.

Then he starts asking questions. Things we've talked about. Things you deny, but I know you know you said them. You've said them to me.

You have said things to me in a confidence that I"ve broken. For that I'm really really sorry. It was stupid of me. And wrong, and my fault. It is THAT that I am apolgising for.

But you did say them. I actualy understand the covering your tracks bit. Your good at that. They eat out of the palm of your hand, once again, thats your issue to deal with.

Its gonna work out in your favor you know? I"ll come out looking like a bitch, you'll come out looking like the hurt little princess, but I"ll apolgise and you'll easily forgive

*After the initial yelled and cussing of course, that i couldn't possibly give back to you because it hurts your feelings*

And then life will go on its merry way until something happens again.

I may have made you cry, not hard to do, you cry all the time. But I didn't mean to, I Really didn't. I honostly don't know why you'd even care what I think about you. I really don't. I'm not sure how I feel on this point. You've always said it hurt when I was mad at you.....maybe you really do.

I don't get that.

I don't really get why anyone would care what I Think. Contrary to waht you think, I don't think your below me. Were pretty equal actualy. This recent knowladge that I can't keep a secret is only too obviouse

Half the time I don't even care what I Think. I think what I can but do what I have to do to try to get through with out getting hurt, with out falling down like I have before, to avoid all the things that almost killed me before.

I don't care if you don't like me.

I don't care if you hate me.

But I don't want you to think that I hate you. Becuase I honostly don't. I don't Kasey, I swear.

So....I guess this is whats gonna happen.

Were gonna talk.

Your gonna go off on me *I've done this like 8 times now, I know how it works*

I'm gonna just say sorry.

Over and over again if need me. I'm going to tell you I don't hate you. I'm going to hope you believe me.

If it works out again fine, thats awesome.

And then, I'm not going ot have any part in it.

Because not to blame other things, but I could do a LOT better at 'miscontruing your words" or whatever if you didn't tell me how you feel about him, or him, or him.

And if he didn't demand info, I wouldn't feel obligated to give it.

I don't quite know how I plan on acomplishing this. Perhaps long sabaticals at Kyles and an increased softball work ethic. A new Debate event. I don't know.

Your gonna think I"m being a cold bitch, you'll probably call me one. But I'm doing it so I don't hurt you more. Or him.

Or myslef.

Later.