Looking for a mericle.

So I'm walking around in cheer shorts and a poney tail. Bangs pulled back with a bobby pen, out of the shower with smered uneven mascara.

I look similar to the girls who can never quite pull it off.

I look like the time Kristi and Kasey thought I needed a make-over, tied me up, shoved my head under the sink and cooed and looked confused.

I reamerged an hour later looking like a whore. All they made over was the amount of unnatural gunk on my face.

Shrugging they looked to one another "We tried" a sigh.

Guess I can't quite pull it off.

Today while talking to three amazing friends I wanted to scream and tell them to go away. I was so tired. My head is quite literly close to exploding.

I can't blame the world for deciding to hit a speedbump in the time span of three weeks, its been a crazy timeline of stress.

People have died or tried to die, people have lied and gotten their hopes up, he's poped up out of no where while he trys to make a stunning comeback.

Don't do this now kid, try again in March when things will be differnt.

And YOU! Don't you dare do what I know your thinking about doing. Yes. Tis Seflish of me to do this to you my darling but I already have his guilt I can't deal with my comic relief dieing on me.

And to you, I'm so pumped your starting to feel again. I'm sorry I've been distracted, thank you for understanding.

I still don't respect you. But I know I should, so I'm going to try to hold my toung. Try harder.

Remember your stupid breaks suck next time m'kay?

Heh, I wish the world had breaks...just so I could catch my breath before the next stupid speedbump.

I"m tired too.

What we can't

It looked like you were having a good night. but you looked sad too.

I don't blame you...I didn't help. I know the feeling, I'm sorry.

All I want is for you to be happy, for you to have an incredible life.....but I can't help you. You have to go on and be strong......

I swear, if you make me feel guilty....Heh.

Tonight when he sang and they danced and I could look around and see all those people who I sorta knew but kinda didn't, it made me wish I had kept up with all this.

But then I looked around and noticed everyone was with someone differnt and I remembered all the fakeness of it all and was not in the least bit remorceful

THEN I saw Jordon. Oh good Lord Jordon. If I had known you existed I would have pretended to be scene....

lol, We didn't talk my love, but I'm going to tell myslef we have a connection.

I have your cd now. You sing backup as your friend plays his gutiar.......Lea wants your friend. Your sorta short for me but we all make changes for love.'

Sadly, you live in Lgoansport and I here, I do not want hte Burkolder complex so it won't work...not know...maybe in time.

Small steps

Damn it!

I freakin blow my one chance to hang out becuase my stupid parents decided a LONG dinner would be fun, and phones are unacceptable for table time.


I'm so sorry.....I"m a jerk. :(


***

I'm bummed we didn't get to hang out. I really miss doing stuff like that. I hope we get hte chance to again sometime..

Now you can see how I look silly when I crush on someone.

:)

Other art forms

So I've probably started like 49392 of these entries and deleted it becuas I just can't describe myself properly...

Then I thought, perhaps interprative dance is where my creativity lies


But seeing as you cna't see my dance, i shall leave.

Tootaloo

Glitches

My AIM isn't working at the moment. Tis a good thing I think. I'm sitting here dieing to talk to those who confuse me and those who make me feel special and those who might or might not have alterier motives.

Nectar in a Sieve. Revelations on pages 50-62 *I don't remember where it is...I"M not looking it up*

It shocked me....and made me mad. But I kinda liked it too.

Time aloe isn't bad. Life alone is....my cat is eating my fish.

Gooday.

On the last few days of our lives...

I got off.

I got off and I went upstairs. If he really wanted to talk it out he'd call. If he just wanted to be mean he wouldn't.

He called.

He called and yelled. I talked and I yelled.

But it was better then what we were doing.

Someone please shoot me next time I write something like the last entry...I'm 10seconds away from taking it down.

Jon's grandfather died. Its an egnigma. When my grandmother died he didn't know for like a week, I'm stuck between being there and letting him cope...

But I"m going to be there becuase this is me, and I'm just dumb like that.

Pathetic

I am mad that I am so pathetic that I almost felt special when he put his arm around me.

I know he's just a stupid kid and it dosn't mean anything. I don't want it to either.

I'm not unhappy with out these sort of things. I don't loose my self worth....

But still, its sorta nice to know at least somethings don't change crazy fast.

Chlice's of the heart

I was greatful for my hectick weekend becuase it kept me busy, and I didn't have to think.

Becuase I'm afraid when I start to think, I'll slip, and drown.

I don't want to be aware that every stupid song lyric could be a representation of my feelings right now.

i don't want to be a statistic.

In otherwords, I've started looking forward to meeting my future husband. It sound silly and dumb, but its a nice comforting thought...

Its important...

But on a scale of 1-10, its probably only like a 4.

Robert

When I first met you, I was 7.

A late starter, I never quite knew what was going on. You wanted perfection, and I was lost.

At 7, you scared the hell out of me. I wasn't allowed to say hell, thus I didn't think of it. So I suppose at 7 you just REALLY scared me.

When I was 9 I was still confused. Slightly less lost, burdened with more responsibilty my lack of knowladge became apparent. I don't think you ever knew what to do with me. A moment of talent and then a blundering mistake.

You said you'd loan me a T if I'd practice batting. I said I probably wouldn't. You laughed and said at least the kid is honest.

At 9 you made me cry. A lot.

When I was 12 we found out I was compatent with a catchers mit. I used yours, it was too big, so when your daughter threw the ball it bent my fingers back.

They snapped. You knew it. You knew they were broken and so did I.

You also knew that I could finaly prove myself, you called time, came out with a weightlifting glove, shoved it over my batters, and didn't make fun of me crying and wincing. Natile won't admit it, but we were equals then.

At 12 I was scared, crying, and intemidated.

And you were done. Politcs took over and you didn't want to deal with it.

Last year you told me I shouldn't even bother trying if I was going to do it so badly. I laughed and said I knew, but I wondered where you got off telling me that. I tried to do it your way....I don't know if it helped.

I used to time my batting to get done before 4, becuase you got off work at 3:45 and would be there JUST in time to see me, and I knew I couldn't hit if you watched.

At 14 you made me so mad I refused to give up.

This year you have yet take me asside and tell me I'm awful. i've caught every ball you've hit and even did the stupid back hand thing you hate so much but admit is necessary.

Tonight you hit me, I laughed again and said child abuse.

"Yeah it is" you say, but for once I'm not afraid, I didn't cry, I didn't want to run away and be intemidated....

I dunno. You are a weird guy Bob.

Getting back the thing I always had

You really are a amazing person.

I thought you wanted to change the world, you had the intelegence and the talent to acomplish that and it got me so excited.

But I was the thing holding you down. You and I might have been too good. I let you be content with just me, because you were all I had.

Sitting in your arms as you made everything right. I always liked your arms. After Mexico they stayed tanned and muscular. I always felt safe.

In the mornings I was the reason you came to school. I know I was kid, don't even deny it. I have testamonial and evidence to this.

But I shoudln't have been your reason to do that...you needed your own personal drive, not in that of a person.

And we grew apart....and I think your begining to figure out why I did what I did. Your still way to good for me. After all I've done you still wait to make sure I"ll get home okay.

Thats who you are. You want to help people.

Today I turend around and saw a group of people around asking for help. They had asked me but I was too caught up in my homework so I tossed your name.

For once you wern't busy drawing or self loathing. You didn't throw out a sarcastic remark or make fun of them.

I smiled, becuase thats how you were meant to be....I'm glad you found that.

Thats when your happy.

Extenuating circumstances

As I sat and cried and questioned everything I believed, he told me a story about a princess.

Sometimes, his utterlack of understanding helps.

Check list for the teenager

I update this stpuid thing, but I don't know what diference it made....

A reminder that some things are not my bussness and not worth getting upset over.

To not count your chickens before they hatch.

Appricaite what you have....

Do not dwell on what you've lost.

And to always work to make things better *Unless its the betteerment of something thats none of my bussness. :D*

So,

He and I are fine.....

You and he are fine.....

You and me are fine...*twitches*

And he sits and home feeling like a selfish asswhole who ruined your life becuase thats what you told him.

I'm not good at math, but this dosn't add up.

Come on Kase, don't make this harder then it is

...

I don't want to loose him....

Sure, i never had him.....well I did....but not like that.

And I didn't want him like that....we wanted to take it slow...

Now I feel like I"ve lost this really important thing....

Even while I was being told he had backstabed me I wanted nothing more to just listen to him and what he had to say....

I had screwd up...I didn't even know I had, i want to fix it

I've never wanted to fix something so much.

I don't want us to be apart. We don't have to be together...you just mean so much to me

Know that please.

I can't make myself breath.

Oh my God...

You couldn't.......you couldn't.....

how could you.

I need an explanation.

I need one so bad right now.

If he's right....I didn't know guys like you really existed.

Is it all parenoia?

He never did this.

He never could.

At least I don't think so....

All insecurities, I am sure. It has to be.

It has to be.

I will be proven wrong, this is all hormones, this is all...teenage stupidity.

Why am I letting it controle my life like this? Is this all I am? Just like everyone else?

:(

Your heart is worth more than you know

I'm going to cry.

I'm going to sit in my room with all the lights off, in my little alcove corner thing that Mr. Bagley put there just for me, I will sit and I will feel sorry about every wrong thing in this world.

The wrong things happening to meand the wrong things happening to others.

The things that never should happen, the good stuff that might not ever happen.

Insecurites that some understand with a look, and others just can not comprehend.

Inadaqutceys that make me want to scream that I'm a fake loser who's just good at hiding it.
Inadaqutceys that make me want to hide in the shelter of the back row of hte class.

Relating with people I don't want to relate to.

Relating with my own kind.

Hating the fact that there are some things about me that only he understand becuase he spent so long dealing with them

Hating that love can turn into an emo song.

Witnessing mascara tear markings in math books is a pitiful site.

Giving up and getting yelled at. So unsure about positions on teams and in life.

Hate being a hormonial teenager.

I hate looking back and wondering how stupid decisions effect lives. I hate wondering if she was lonely and really wanted a friend.

I hate wondering if my confusion left her alone.

The knowladge that what the old people talk about is never going to come about.

I hate this whining.

Sometimes we just need the time to sit and cry about stupid stuff.....

On the upside...I learned the difference between "Than" and "then"

And there is always tomorrow...

I'm in such a bad mood.

I'm going to sigh, shrugg everything thats bothering me away, and go to bed early.

The hope it will all be nothing in the morning deep in my mind

Well that was nice.

So I can go a least semmester with out crying about something as pathetic as a math test.

But a lot of good not crying did me. At least when I cried I got a B at the end.

I think I passed....3 test/quizzes in her class? Thats real special.

I hate how bad I am at this stuff. I hate how little I know what I"m doing. My foundation sucks and theres nothing to put new stuff on

I just want to sleep. :(

To whom it may concer

Dear Ex Significant other.

I hate the perseon you make me feel like. I hate feeling like the unsymathetic jerk who is controlling and demanding.

But I need you to go find your own way now.

Sincerly.

Your ex Significant other

A small rant

I hate. Hate. HATE finding my favorite song typed in multicolord font in the profile of some teenager girl who wants attention and sympathy.

You are as shallow as a shower. Now drop the song lyrics until you can understand the bigger words and go.

*That sounded really mean....I"m sorry. But its getting in my nerves*

NEVER, tell a girl something you don't want the whole world to know about.

I"m filling up this line becuse I don't have a title but I don't want to leave it blank

Topic A. I'm tired.

Subtopic A. I have no real responsibilities today.

Topic B. I have many things I Need to acomplish.

Subtopic B. My ear smells like orange juice.

And so today I walk around my house with a fuzzy blanket around me like an old lady who just can't get warm because quite frankly, I can't.

But I"m not trying very hard because I like the feeling of being in a cacoon, its cozy and comforting on a rainy day.

Days like today make me want to do nothing but sit on the couch in my cacooned state and watch DVD's. Which is sorta odd, becuase I used to not be able to sit through a movie, and i used to hate feeling wrapped up.

Today though I feel bad about my simi sleepy state, because I don't want to dissapoint him by not going to watch....how lazy he must think me when i have all the luxerys of lounging and he has no rest for himself.

On another front, I spent 2 in a half years trying to talk to J, only for him to dodge and dissapear when it really mattered. Now he wants to work it all out, and while I should sit, listen, and empahtise I'm done.

I'm not done in a mad "Hurt Me No Longer" lifetime movie way, I just have other things to focus on and he's way too late to warrent my attention.

But me and you, my darling ex, I need to learn to keep our freakish talkings to ourselves, at least when I don't absolutly need to let it out. You are a mystery I must figure out on my own, and no offance E, but your not really an unbiased opinion. ;)

When I say figure out, I don't mean run back to. Do not be afriad my dear.

Football sounds in the backround make my head hurt.....and Faris Bueler is calling my name.

Good Day.


P.S, I hope this post won't make you feel otherwise....but we are VERY good.

I have such high hopes for this semester.....I want everything to be amazing. I know it will be busy and stressful, but hopefuly good stress that leads to better things.

On another note all together, I've got a weird feeling about going to stpuid softball tonight.

blarhgishmama this post was pointless lol

Not yet.

Not quite

And then it hit

I should tell that your amazing every stinking day of this new year, and every moment i should remember that your not him, and you arn't just saying all that stuff becuase its new and fun for you.

I should make sure you know that when I"m not giggling and spurting out lovy dovy sayings its not becuase I don't feel them, but because I"m trying to find that balance between seriouseness and play and I"m afriad that if I go all out a mask will go up for the both of us and we'll forget we were so good together before all of that 'your amazing' nonsense

You are though.

Please know that this is all very similar and compeltly differnt from what I've been doing these past years, and some days I may hate J and wish he jump off a cliff and leave me alone, but other days I may feel sorrow for him.

And then I may get mad, but you know how fun girls moods are right?

Please though, do not beat yourself up. If you have worries or fears or if you think I"M leaving you to be with an elephant, just yell a little.

I"ll hear ya.