Alone in surreal lives

I'm really self asorbed.

I usualy do not realize this until days like today, when I'm bored and for the LIFE of me I can't figure out why I"m in such a bad mood until the fleeting thought wonders into my brain like a lost puppy

"Why is everyone doing something else? Why arn't they doing things with me?"

Usualy i think this sort of thing about four hours after I ditch someone to do something 'better'. Better rarely occurs, and then I sit and feel sorry for myself for about 3 mins until the long lost puppys half brother wonders in.

"Its my own responsibility to do good things"

Then, one of the following things happens

A) I Feel very guilty and annoyed for a moment and then do homework
B) I do something very fun
C)I get very mad at everything, until Kyle bailes me out

Kyle is with Derek, my homework is upstairs, and I feel rather empty. Its only 6 however, so perhaps there is time for the future.

Christmas was lovely. My CD's lovely, my grandfather driving me nuts, good cheer and health to all.

My life as a baked burrito with extra hot sauce

I really like him. I may date him. I also suspect he may be gay.....how do i end up in such positions?

But this blooming...something has conviently been placed at the same time Jon's gone bonkers.

My father and I argued. We shall see about that one.

I delievered pies for like 4hrs tonight. I still ahve 19 in my backseat.

An Anniversery

You know what makes me feel really, really really really really good?

I have not once regretted the decison I made with you.

Not evne right after when i cried, it was hard, but i knew it was right.

Now a year later, I still know it was right. There were a lot of reasons behind it that were not right, and a lot of times afterwards i did things i regret, but I think now its safe to say that I do not regret what I did then.

:D

I guess were going to pretend

I remember the night you called me crying. "I lied to you" you told me. I was so mad at you then.

Now, what you have been doing is 10x worse, and I'm laughing and joking. you don't lie to me anymore, infact I don't think you ever have sense that night, but you worry me kid.

But before I can start my lecture, I think of the empty bottle and change the subject.

Making out on the beach really just gets sand in your mouth

Hehe.

Three guys cussing you out. That'll teach you to say things behind my back Mr Deep voice blue shirt man.

Twas nice, the whole defence thing.

Intermission to moonlight

"My legs hurt"

"At least you have a reason. My legs hurt for no reason"

Always one-uping me Jonny Boy. Its weird becuase I KNOW you need me around. I KNOW you still are upset where not togther, but you treat me like crap.

What I DON'T know is wether or not you even think I'm wroth your time. I'm not really sad, becuase I KNOW your not serious. Like, I KNOW your just teasing me.

But I wonder what you'd do if I wasn't around. Would you even care?

The State looks down on sodimy

Muwhaha.

I feel empowered, Strong, like I grew a tougher skin and all oppisiton to my wellbeing can be crushed beneath my powerful feet.

You there! THING THAT WANTS TO MAKE ME SAD! Yeah, come here so I can kick your ass. :D

Sleeping Dogs never lie far enough away

You speak to me, and I think "Why is everything so complicated?"

But I just relized that this might mean we can hold it all together.

Oh, and last week? I KICKD YOUR NONEXISTANT ASS! :D

She sneezes when she sees bright lights

It has been a difficult three days.

A pretty lonely three days.

I began monday with the biggest sense of helplessness I've ever experenced, and though that has eased some its not all rainbows and daisys.

Apparently I'm a good baggage handiler, because everyone keeps dumping their woes on me. And honestly, I'm fine with that.

Honest and truly, I'm here for anyone who needs me.

Those numbers seem to be rising.

Kasey turned and asked me why it was she always opened up to me. I shrug and refelct on the singificience of that statment. ANd than I spend the next 24hrs contemplating her in my head, and all I've REALLY decided is I"m glad I'm not her. I'm a lot of help.

There are the so called 'Friends' I have who say i'm the so called "Best" but only when they need a peptalk, or a person to share their issues with. But in class when there pretending to be all happy and fine I'm thrown into the back like I never even mattered.

Thats really whats been bothering me the least this week, but even at its least its quite a lot. Its selfish of me, I should be happy their happy. I should be happy they have other friends to joke and play with. But sometimes I just think "I do everything for you....I loose sleep for you.....can't you just talk to me?"

Maybe its pathetic and selfish and lame or whatever. I'm not always like that. Sometimes I"m the oppisote. Somtimes I think "I'm Strong and have friends and its all in my mind" Sometimes I Think Its good everythings crazy and messed up. Sometimes I don't think its as bad as it is.



I'm just tired.

I'll stick around

The difference?

I ask too many questions.

You don't ask enough.

"If you love me, I'll stick around"

My threats worked I Guess.

Kittens and Appartment buildings

This is another dream one. I'm sorry. I Feel like and ediot writing about these, but no one has to read them.

So last night I had a dream my dad got a kitten. It scared me even though I always beg for one. It had lopsided eyes and I didn't know how to blaance Oliver and this one. I put it in the back of my truck that I sat in with Charlie *I think it was probably Charlies truck considering he has a truck, why i dream about charlie i do not know* and we gunned it

We got to the aparment place we had been in before the kitten dream started, and I remembered it was in the back seat. It was pretty cute all cureled up in a desperate attempt to not be dead. I decided I liked it then. I still didn't know if i could love two cats though. I worried about its eyes.

I carried it around in a little ball. I woke up feeling guilty and selfish

Sherlock Holmes and Block parties

I'm going to start writing about my dreams. Just for kicks.

For refrence, I usualy have a two a night, if and when they are strong enough to remember.

Last night began with me hearing that there was a casting call for Mrs. Hudson to be in a new sherlock Holmes series. For some reason, all those in attendence were my age, even though she's an old lady in the book.

The important thing is, Sherlock Holmes was there, and it was extremly important i impress him and I did. It was sorat reality show-ish, with people getting sent home whenever, and I was always worried my lack of accent would make me loose the job.

Then things get hazy, and suddenly were in a boat and something happens where someone or something needs to be rescued, so I jump out of hte boat to save whatever it is, and Sherlock *Jeremy Brett* version jumps in to help me. By the time I get back on the boat he's elemenated all but like two of the other girls.

Then were in a neighborhood I dream about alot. Its always with differnt peope in a differnt situation but its got brick houses that are tall and old. SOmeone walks up to us and asks us to help find his brother or something.

Its not foul play, theres neighborhood wide party or something, and thats where he is we just gotta help look.

This is when the dream completly shifts.

So now I'm in this block party dream, all thoughts of sherlock forgtten, and I start going through houses looking for people. Its pretty familur, college atmosphere open room whatever crazy music beer fest. I see Cody making out with some girl, but weirdly enough he's the only person in this whole dream I reconize, and I wasn't even close to him.

So I go through the houses and find myself in a backyard thats covered in stuffed animals. Of course I climb up the mountain of cuddily creatures and talk to a kid. I can't remember who it was, not a real person anyway, slid down the mountain, and go back to dream 1.

Suddenly I remember i'm in this reality game buying for the part of hte land lady who by now I think is a differnt part all together, when the kid runs up and thanks me for helping. Sherlock/Jeremy *I don't know if he supposed to be the real person or his character* hugs me and I think "I love this dream"

But I don't wake up until I relize I really have to go to the bathroom.

Waking up at the start of the end of the world

If you had asked me last year what I would be doing one year from them, I would not have answered correctly.

If you had asked me 2hrs PRIOR to what i would be doing on Friday Night, I would have been wrong.

So there I stood by a trashcan, with one person I really do not like, another I feel a certain loyality too, and a guy I only knew by name.

She's great to hang out with when you have no respect left for anything. We spoke of doing illegal things.

We get along great on the surface, its just the whole consciouse thing in the back of my head thats banging on the walls of my brain screaming "STAY AWAY" that bothers me.

Too many things we have in common

Krisit is a HORRIBLE driver. I'll probably die if I stay in that car too much longer.

The boys went to gutair world. I'd got three calls asking for Kyle. When did I become his secratary?

I'm going to get kristi to show me Ugly Betty.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNND, I"m going to get he courage to talk to you. :)

The things we do

Life is made up of crazy ideas you came up with that worked out, and crazy ideas you came up with that never quite made it.

The time we walked across 31 at 3a.m. in our PJ's to get staired at in Starbucks.

The party you ditched us at, the time I relized I didn't want there to be anymore times with you.

There are things that simply don't happen. Plans that get changed, circumstances beyond our controle.

And THEN there are the things that sound like awesome ideas at the time, but not so much later on.

Kristi is GOOD at knowing when I think something will be awesome. Sometimes her ideas are, most often though I get half way into it until i relize it will lead to our demise.

There was the night *not involving kristi* on a boat where the three of us stood in the hallway that was rocky and small. We laughed becuase it was not a safe place to be and our only protector Joe, was currently indisposed with a toe cramp.

That was when we decided to see the sunrise the next morning. The two of us and Joe.

The next morning when the alarm rang we looked at each other and said "No"

Because we KNEW it wasn't going to happen. Its just one of those things.

*I did see a dolphine that morning though*

Mostly I just find it odd that every single thing in our life is made up of these little instances that do and don't happen. Either way its going to effect you for quite a while weather you relize it or not. Reflection upon these actions brings us to shocking and unwelcome conclusions that we are indeed the masters of the randomness.

People have always laughed at me becuase I"m a giant, pointing with fingers that have never touched a cloud.

I'm not sad.

I'm not even apathatic.

Infact, I'm pretty well adjusted to the inconsistencness which is my world.

Things I'm doing well.

-Staying out of stupid possive arguments

-Not freaking out when it seems everyone disagrees with me, on every possible thing. Quite frankly m'dear, they can go screw themselves

-Not bummed that I was completly right about you.

Seriously though, I've known something was going to change, and I've been subconsciously prepairing for it. So, world, God, crazy stupid friends of mine, give it your best shot. You can not shake me.

Well you probably could, but I'm not going to let you.

Probably at least. ;) Promises are like Pie crust, they are meant to be broken.


Me: He's just not reliable

Stepp: EXELENT POINT!


"We should do lunch, talk about life and people and behavor."-I worry I won't be nearly as interseting as you think I am. I relish the challange.

The Unimpressive death of everything you held dear

Surprisingly, You and I are not hte problem

It is everyone else.

Yes.

Because you don't get along with her, and she drives me crazy and that one girl likes you and i'm jealous of her but annoyed with her friend who you say is tolerable.

WHY CAN"T WE ALL GET ALONG!

Pfft. Like Hell I"d tell you what i know.

"How many people do you know who'd keep a seceret, anything you told them, to themself?"

"I don't know, two. Your blocking my path"

"I know."

"well how many do you have?"

"Two, maybe 1"

***

"You can't think about it like that. Not even I think about it."

"I can't help it. It scares me"

On a latesummers eve

It had been on my to do list for a little over two years. I checked the date. I almsot gave up, twice.

You see, my dad would not have let me into that part of town had he known, and becuase i was not precisly clear on the location of my quest I spent quite a bit of time praying the weird man on the bike wasn't going to scractch my car.

Once I got there, I expceted to things like weeds, and flowers. The only other time I'd been there I made SURE to commit the spot to memory. IT was under a tree, on a hill, it looked remarkably modern. Strange even. I liked the tree though, and I would have to accept what was in stone.

Right then. Weeds, Flowers, grass clippings. The sun was setting and I was worried they were going to call me before I got a chance to do what i came for.

Then, and this is the second time, I couldn't find it. I was at the tree, but I felt awkward. And then someone pulled behind me and wasn't getting out of their car. Perhaps I wasn't up to date on ediqutte. Perhaps I was and this guy just made easy targets out of mourners.

Into the car I went, but on my way around the bend I saw the guy.

So flowers and grass and weeds, all of these I expcted.

I didn't excpect Jake.

Deciding it would be dumb to NOT find it I pulled back around. He was wearing cloths merroring my own, his attitude more...somber.

He saw me, and I think it woried him that we knew about the other one. How strange I thought, that out of all the days of all the years we end up the only two on this land, 3ft away from each other.

He knew right where he was going, and I soon found her, and we respectivly did our thing and went our ways.

Becuase the body is weak, and the mind strong

In honor of germss and their passing from one host to the other, I'm going to write about the times I/Maya was sick at camp. You see, I have written litelry nill about camp because up until....I dunno...like yesterday I'd get so upset whenever I talked about it, wirrting became pointless. I'm making this all very clear now because I"ve relized the nice crypticness I'm so very fond of is awesome at the time, and yet if I EVER wnat to know what the hell I was talking about i'm going to have to leave myself more then just hints.

And so, I now present you storys of Culver Military Academy Summer Schools Upper Camp, 2006.

If you became ill during your stay at Culver, it was customary you treck 2miles across the campus to the Health building. Were they would indeed confirm your suspicion of illness and charge you 12 dollars. The ONLY point to doing this was to get out of parade which was compeltly worth it.

but remember kids, this is me.

My bones ached, my skin was burning and I was freezing though it was probably only about 10929 degrees outside. *98 to be precise*. Something had been going around, something probably from Brazil no doubt. Those Brazilians always did the worst damage.

Throat rebellion, head aching I stood in that retreat for a good 40mins, shifting dutifly from paradae rest to attention. I was deteremend not to fall out, 8 others in my squad alone had already and though I longed for the golf cart to come get me I was too embaressed. Plus, I had promised Roo I'd go to the movie with her that night, and if you fell out you had to stay in your room.

So there I stood, swaying, wishing for death, in the longest retreat of hte summer. I didn't go to the movie that night. I slept in my room, only coming out for 'annoncments' at 10.

********

Maya had been getting sick ever sense I had been getting better. A mixture of the flu and loathing for the classes she was in added to her discomfort. I ran into her in the hallway, announcing we'd have to do something to get someplace, and she announced she was skipping sailing.

Skipping sailing.

Do you know HOW jealous I was at that statment? what i would ahve given to just "skip sailing" My GOD the girl had guts. you did NOT want an Ensen after you for skipping.

But she did. And on my way back from Photography i grabbed her a popcicle.

Her disregarde for the rules inspired me. I stoped going to sailing. :D

********************

I remember it was raining. Hard. Becuase when it reains its not to much fun to be in an inter-lake the Ensens and Captains had kept us inside the navil building. 60 teenagers from just as many countrys cramed into a room merroring a subermine in style and design watching movies.

Now, becuase it was sailing, and we were in a navial building, Ensen.....something, I'll ask Sara later, brought in his personal collection of Navy war Movies. Todays selection was The ROCK and while I like the movie i was having none of it.

Scooting my way toward the door I made my way out into the rain. I had my poncho on, they told us what to wear you know and ponchos were definitly on the list today, and then I ran.

The Navail Building is about half a mile from Chatu Terre where I my room was. Classes were technicly still on, so I was the only one dumb enough to be runing along the lake line towards the dorm.

But I knew Sara had free period, and I knew she'd be in here bed all comfy and snuggly, and I knew she'd let me share the blanket.

And so thats the first day I skipped.
***

OKay. I know thats boring and lame and pointless. But I want to remember it. So I'm writing it down. There.

It's getting easy

i'm ready for the next challange. As ready as I"ll ever be, i wasn't made for this easy nothing to it life God, at least I hope not.

I thank You for the break and the good times, but I'm ready to move on.

Just a reminder that I still pray for signs.

Peace Out.

We're all wasted

I'm not entirly sure I understand the world.

The thing is, I don't know if I like who I am.

The Thing is, what am I going to do about it?

I know how the world works...but much like physics and all things mathmatical, i do not know why.

I cherish my friends emmensly.

I have a tendcy to open my mouth too much.

Wayne has become one of the many perks of driving. Waving to him and knowning he'll wave back is comforting. A constant in the form of a man in nightrobe in a bench. He's more friendly then the overweight women who walk there doxhounds around the block.

I think a lot about death. Not necessarly mine

Her indescretions benfit my social life.

Sometimes I wonder what the hell I've done moments after I've done it. Why do ideas go from being logical moves forward to "BWUAH!?" in less then 2seconds?

Its weird. I was upset and we sat on the stairs leading up to your door for an hour nad talked. Suddenly, I relize there is nothing enherntly wrong in what your doing, its just what you gotta do. I gotta let you do it.

I hate your hair. And now your sick. And we hugged. And recently, I've been sneezing, I thought these fun things were over with.

Once again, I don't understand.

This collective sigh is merly teenage angst. It need not be remembered or documented.
Yet I document

The song I'm listening too is too emo for this subject line

"you know what i relised?"

Hm?

"we don't randomly dance anymore. WE need to do that."

So we did.

Your God knows his faithful

Sittin in his aparment I go through your text messages. Cha-Cha-Charan and you seem to be rather close. Your actualy letting me go through everything, and i"m not sure waht to think to that.

Its shallow, and dumb and pointless and will only lead to awkwardness. Its human nature and I'm semi-okay with sercombing to it. You want to go through my phone. I say no and actualy try to stop you but your bigger then me.

If your jealous you don't act like it, you never did you probably never will. Our compadre is mad at you, gives me a look as though to ask why I'm doing this and I just shake my head. With a joke he hands you the controller and I go back to trying to not fall asleep on his couch.

**

Philosophy has once again come into my favor. Thinking I had sworn it off, trusting blind faith to see me through. Less questions less trouble. Questions are back with vengence. Faith has not however left, intertwing feelings create a sort of intilectual search as apposed to despserate plea.
****

"Get me a soda" I laugh but i don't even pretend to mind becuase I honsotly don't. As I walk through his garage his mom screams and reamins doing so.

"Your mom cut herself man" he gives me a sort of confused look. He's holding confrence with another, decussions the reason of my visit.

"We'll come" He says. I smile. I knew he would.

I hug him and in the process spill orange soda on both of us. Seth laughs and makes me carry a bag of needles inside. Seths cool because he drinks diet stuff.

"He said he'd come, can i go?"

He flips around in his room, "You mean you couldn't go with out us?" well no. but i'm not gonna tell you that.
****

one night stands arnt all bad. Not always I think. If you can stay away from things you might regret and from becoming attached, they can make really nice memories to have. Warning label reads its rarly achieved but that dosn't mean it can't happen.

***

I smiled through the whole thing becuase none of it was my responsibility and I don't sweat anymore so it didn't matter there wasn't any airconditioning. Your actualy being nice and we're all in a good mood so its perfect.

Derek trys to break my finger on the way home. I contemplate breaking his. Seth interveens and we drop Derek off.

they promise to teach me how to drive a stick because my dad sucks as a teacher and i take them up on the offer.

**

I come home and get on my laptop and pretend to be a super hacker. I'm in a good mood. nobody is going to ruin it

TStrange things happen to them, some bitterly cruel and some so beautiful that the faith is refired forever

Stop. Talking. To. Me.

:)

It never fails.

If I get online to talk, no one will be on, if i get on to do a report, 12 people will pop up.

If its 1 in the morning, 14 new people will strike up conversations with life ultering problems apparently only i can solve.

Hell its not about solving. Its about whining for three hours.

I'm not even annyoed that much. I wanted to write. I have nothing to write.

yes.

Can't believe i never noticed my heart befroe

The cool thing about being happy, and having that associated with a happy day, is that the memories of it will make you smile in the future when everything else is sad.

Its not complicated

Taking a proverbial page from the devils notebook, its insanely difficult to explain what this guys friendship means to me, and yet, its the easiest thing in the world.

During the course of that sentence, I figured out why its easy and why its hard.

Its everything. He's literal always been there for me, and I for him, and though it doesn't happen every time we see each other, and it doesn't need to, we open up and cry together when it needs to happen.

The hard part is expecting people to believe that its really that simple. There aren't complex decusions relating our feelings, we just KNOW when the other one needs something badly.

For instance, I know that though he's logged on right now, he won't be in the talkative mood until at least 1, and if I were to stay up until 2, I bet i Could get him to sneak out with me.

And because its a special occasion, we might actually go someplace.

I'm writing this all in here becuase it'd be sorta silly to tell him this. And a bit creepy.

Heh. Yeah.

Hears To You

Long time no see eh?

I think I"m sitting in the crossroads of having everything but missing self pitty. I have the girls myspace up because i Like the song on it, even though I can't stand to look at the rest of it becuase it reminds me of how stupid people are.

I also do not like that we both enjoy this song becuase it bad mouths the kinda person we probably think the other one is.......I'll admit it, we probably don't like each other because were too alike, though I'm going to keep on praying no one else notices.

I don't think I felt any giant emotional changes in Europe. Some really crazy stuff happened at parts, but I didn't fall in love, didn't have my heart broken, and only saw a few fights. Mostly the only thing thats changed about me is I enjoy water now more then I used to.

Climbing Mt. Olympuis

Our friends from the middle east allowing, I'll be in Europe for the better part of next month.

Our Friends also allowing, I'll be home eventualy. :D

Tootles

P.S I don't have anything packed, jsut remembered i should have a photo albume ready, my gifts suck, and though I hardly think it likly, should I die, I want all roylaties from my awesome based on a true story movie to go to my cat oliver, who seems a little depressed lately.

What I learned Tonight

The second banana will not be as exelent as the first.

People out of Character are annoying

Somtimes people in character are annoying

I have no idea whats possible

I have a criminal complex.

This month, eyes and memories

A mother kisses her child during a flag-raising ceremony in Tiananmen Square in Beijing as China commemorated the 18th anniversary of the bloody crackdown in which hundreds of protesters were killed in 1989.


I know the girl who's dad helped start the riot. He's alive becuase he hid in a trash can after his two best friends got killed. Now he lives the upper class life in Carmel and drabbels in realestate.



I dare you to tell me thats not pretty



Singapore



Castle in the sky



China, A collective laugh


This is our world.

Day 2 July 2, 1863, the second day of the Battle of Gettysburg.

7860 men fought each other in the exact spot I stood some 146 years earlier. When they had shoved bayonettes into each other the area had been clear of trees making it optimal for that sort of thing. Now it was a forrest.

So there I stood, in one of the most famous locations of Civil War history, trying to egnore the heat and focus on the impact of it all when Kristi calls to tell me she bought a bird.

"Name it porkchop" I say as I move closer to the parking spacesa way from the edge of the hill. I'm trying not to feel awkward wearing the shoes I have on. I feel no pride for the battle site.

I don't know why any of that is significant. I'm in a historical mood. Both my own, others, and the country's.

I blame John Adams for this. His biography, though not entirly thrilling, is interesting enough when traveling across the country. Letters from Abbigale to John about Washington crossing the Deleware is made slightly more exciting while driving along the very river.

My gradfather repetivly tells the ancidote of some great relitive of ours who once said "I'm glad i don't have any above average chrildren". He tells it with the greatest of humor, and I think he agrees complelty with it.

I think what he trys to portray is he wants a simple happy life for us all.

I resent that story, and the fact he tells it so often, and the fact he thinks it applys to me.

I am vain. I do not think I am average for several reasons. Average these days is very low. Not to mention I do not even understand the concept of such measures.

Susey is average becuase she has a husband who works at the factory and two kids. She vacumes and makes dinner.

So she's not in africa fighting a war? That makes her average? I don't understand.

I do understand that I refuse to submit myself to this impossible to comprehend imagenary scale that we judge oursleves on. I need to be more. I don't think I can be happy if I'm not.

That might be youthful arrogence, but I think if everyone disgarded their dreams as youthful arrogence we would not have all the things we have today. There are others more ill suited then I for these things to be acomplished, and as Adams says

"If an Honest man refuses, a dishonest man will not"

Yeah I"m a woman, were gonna pretend he was talking about everyone for my purposes. :D

You were the first one in my life ot make me feel like i was more then what i am

I'm feeling artsy and condisending. In my mind I have the upperhand of an openmind, but I secretly know that no matter what he says I'll silently shake my head and think "This is why I don't go to church"

So I go to the boy who takes more crap from the physudo followers than anyone I know, and I use words just a bit too harsh to be entirly friendly, but I don't care. I feel like assirting I don't like whats going on.

He thinks I"m asking a fake hyapthetical question. The kind they do in sitcomes. I'm not, but he can pretend if he wants.

Once again I insurt the words he knows I hate. I call him church boy. You can pratcily hear me scoffing.

Suddenly he turns and tells me it never works on me. I think he's jumped too many assumptions with the hypothetical bit.

I really should have stoped 4 Lines ago, but i can't help myself at this point. Your not giving me the conservitive answers I had hoped for. I'm beinging to wish you listend to middle aged preachers more.

That night you looked at me and said "Good God your Killing Yourself"

You turned around in calss and introduced yourself way to cheerfully, you were one to look out for I told myself.

I was cool and quiet, at least I told myself that. I was together. I was whitty. I could stand in the back of the room with my arms folded and know the exact moment to banter out something to make my piont

You scramed and yelled and got in trouble.

Most of the time I got you out of it.

Then things got epic. I ruled the scene, and I felt like you were there backing me. I know. It was all about me. You had the energy, I had the thoughts. I'd collapse and you'd pick me up because we didin't work with out each other.

And then I fell apart.

We both know about those 5months of never ending hell, and you got me through that even though I didn't do a thing for you. Nothing.

Then I let you down. You don't blame me....at least I don't think so, but I did. And I keep doing it....


Now your the one with the thoughts and the insight and i'm struggiling to keep up. I'm giving in to your thoughts and feelings, ones I don't agree with, or didn't hitnk I Did, but now i'm wondering if it even matters.

Bah I know it matters.

The point is......i think we changed spots

Let the Rain fall, i don't care

In honor of that time you convicned me to go to the movies by lieing to me and dragging me there, and then the afterwards where I told everyone we say "Love Actualy" becuase I got hte names confused and you laughed and called me stupid, I"ll do something different.


Things I like about you.

1. You will stand by someone and their poor decisions.
2. You can be very whitty.
3. I do not think you are inheritly evil
4. Your as bad at math as I am
5. You find horribly addictive songs.

Er...
thats about it for the moment.

I tried.

In regards to that incident you had under the stage table in 9th grade. I take back trying to be friends

"OH MY GOD ITS JONS GIRLFRIEND WHAT WAS HER NAME AGAIN? OH WHAT WAS IT>>>>JONS GIRL FIREND! JONS GIRLFRIEND! WHAT WAS HER NAME!?"

Shut. Up.

Your in Crackerbarrell holding your mothers hand and I'm tempted to tell her all the things you do with William, maybe if I screamed "WILLS GIRLFRIEND WILLS GIRFRIEND" you'd shut up

I do not write "Jonsgirlfriend" on my papers. That is not my name. Shut up before I eat your head. :)

We broke up. Thank you very much.

Fing Goddamn teenage hormones

He likes her but she dumped him as this other girl wanted to go on a date with balh blha

SICK OF IT

Yeah you whine a lot you stupid boy. Last summer I was annoyed by it becuase i had my own issues. This summer I'm annoyed by it because I'm fine, and your draggin me down.

Don't call me a whore if you want me to like you again m'kay?

Lol I'm not even mad right now! I'm just expressing my distaste with the whole shabang. And I don't mean the "Liking" "Love" shabang....

Honestly, It can feel amazing. And great. And its sorta what we live for, that feeling of happyness knowning your special enough for someone to like you.

But it can turn sour so fast. Thats were things get ugly.

In Drivers ed they make you take a graduated driving lisence.....so you get in less wrecks and cause less damage.

think we could set something similar up to dating?

:)

She moves fast takes controle

I'm not sure how i feel about anything......

Half the time you drive me crazy and I egnore you. Half the time I can't let you go.

I ignore my best friends and block them so I can avoid hanging out with them.

I relized I was happy on a buss full of people I thought I hated.

I"m okay with having a giant busy summer.

Why does drama club drive me crazy!?

Anf if sleep controles my life how is it I"m a morning person?

I hope you sing along and your still alive

I was just thinking of that time that night when I told you stuff that must have creeped you out and annoyed you emmensly.

You hid it well. :)

I have to for myself

Ya know what kid? It pisses me off when you don't come to school.

I don't know why. There are reasons sure. Most of the time its becuase we've infected each other with some virus and you being the pathetic baby mommas boy you are stay home while I show up and deal with all the shit you run away from.

SOmetimes its becuase your freaked out family that does things in stubbern selfish ways.

Sometimes its becusae your a lazy ass bum who dosn't do anyhting. You don't htink anything through and so you'll keep me up until midnight when I beg to go to sleep and you'll get out of coming to school.

Really, you say you arn't selfish, and I guess maybe you mostly arn't, but this pissed me off.

Then theres the fact that when were around each other you act like I have to be bulit around you. YOU have to have something to sink into so I've gotta be good enough for both of us and let you can jump ship whenever your moms in a good enough mood to call you in.

This is why it was so infuriting to be around you. I'm starting to almost hate you for it.

I want to tell you to leave me alone but I don't want you to.

Bah!

Drifting falling

Tired Sick Mad About to throw up

Why am I doing this?

Going to sleep.

Long.

Pretty in Pink or Duckie gone mad?

*Snorts*

Manwhore.

We got married last night, you were late of course, and I pondered what I was doing.

It felt sorta like Christmas full of unwanted attention.

I shruged it off though and put my head on your sholder and told myself it'd be okay.

Weird huh?

The parents let them sholder all the blame

I'm horrible at all I strive for, I don't know how to help you, or how to defend you.

Shut up Virginia and be strong. The easiest way to do that is to not think about it at all.

In class when the teachers call me out becuase I'm done with their work, or when I laugh at an inner thought, and they call me lazy and a procrastenator, it ticks me off.

"Why am I here" I think, why do I put up all your crap? Do they not remember what its like to be 16 and responsible for everything and get no appriation for it at all? Yeah you only gave us a hour of work but what all all the other worth nothing worksheets your 'co-workers' add?

Heres the thing, I might actualy take time to focus my stupid pathetic mind to focus on your stupid patheic homework, and all I get from you is crap about how I"m not trying hard enough.

Four freakin people I knew died and you were yelling becuase I dind't know how to find some math issue.

And you know what, I'm not even going to use them as an excuse. I just wish you'd look around at the crying kids and not pick them out to yell at.

I honestly don't know hwat more I can do to please you people.

Searching for blood in the salty sea

If I Don't think about anything, its not so hard to go on.

I hope that slab gets an A

It meant a lot to me that you took me seriously and only made one joke about me being too emotional and doing unnecessary hand movements.

In fact, you took it so seriously that I'm a little worried you'll go to that horrible woman yourself .

You'll always have my respect.

And I thought we'd grown out of this.

I figured you were skiping until you walked in with 20mins to go telling us how you'd just been in jail for a failure to appear.

The fight was mentioned. I thought that was all worked out. So did you apparently.

They through that eraser and maybe it was just your temper or the stress of all the crap giong on,but oyu went off on that kid like a shaken spray can and I couldn't get you to be quiet.

So much for tha anger thing going away.

Then they called your name and told you it was all amistake, your behavor had been very kind and thus you had a clean slate.

But don't fight again.

And your half way to chachigo before good bye is said

I don't know what to do with you, I hope its just a fling thing you do with everyone else. I thought I liked the sweet comments and pictures but now its creepy.

Into the depths of my backpack go your feelings.

I hate you red days like the blisters from 8th grade basketball tryouts that never healed. You make my toe look larger then it is.
**

I'm glad you got the memo.

finaly.

**
If my father had played one on one instead of softball I'd be a lean mean awesome machineen. Instead stupid thoughts of modern society fill my head as I eat chocolate covered pretzels.

I'm mad. I don't know why.

***

I was hardcore about letting you know I didn't like your words. I knew you were right, but I dindn't want to do the right thing. You don't know what its like and I dind't want to go into grave detail in the chance you actualy did.

Do something stupid for once

**
I was selfish about the car. To Both of you. I"m sorry that I"m that petty.....I'm sorry I have to rely on you at all.


I'm sorry I din'dt go to bed an hour ago.

Your too young to be this empty

Does it make me a bad friend to write almost everything you say off as you being overly dramatic and a baby?

There are certain points in which I feel increidlby sorry for you, and for your life, and I wonder how your strong enough to deal with it.

But then there are the times when I know your dramatizing your issues to get my pity or my attention or whatever it is and I just want you to know i"m not impressed.

Because you can't surprise me. Nothing you say is news or interesting. i really want to help you, but I don't think you want it.

Plus, I may have a few tricks up my sleeve.

When they raise the landing gear will you stay here?

There are so many people we meet in life, and some are only in it for an hour or four 10mins....but how long does it take for someone to have an impact?

sometimes stuff starts happening and we didn't even know it was going on until after the whole ordeal was gone....

On trips I can meet people and talk to them very brefily and wish I was staying longer to know them, or I can wish I was going home sooner to get away...

There are people I"ve met for 10mins that I remember more then people I've lived with for 6 weeks.

There was Mike tonight, who was funny and a dork who talked about school and baseball. I'll never see him again, and its just as well, but will anything he said make a difference in my life later on?

There was Angie, who woke me up at 5 in the morning to take showers *Sepretly* who called her mom in South Africa at 7, so I could talk to her, and who I wanted to kill on so many occasions.

What did I learn from Angie? Or was it Tasnibe who made all the difference?

Its probably a good thing we don't know waht will impact us the most in our lives, then we might go out of our way to avoid them or meet them. Most of us would probably miss them or ignore them all together.....

It makes me sad to leave places. Even if I hated them, becuase as harsh as it seems, its not hard to leave someone youv'e become close to for a short time to go back to your past life. Maybe you'll ponder them, or have a funny antidote, but how do we know when someones made a difference?

I remember pick-pockets and street performers, the life gaurd who yelled at me in a pool, and billboards on the interestate.

I don't know my brothers favorite color, or how many siblings my dad has. I don't remember the names of army heros but I can tell you how white the mans teeth who drove our taxi in New York was.

I can tell you all about the photographer on a whale watch who I wanted so badly to talk to but couldn't think of anthing to say.

I know my next door neighbor has a friend named Ticen, but I don't know his name....

Its weird

be strong. I know you can be. don't let her stupidness make you do something dumb.

And tonight I walk through an empty street

will a week away referse the sprial?

He was short but not fat

My face is on fire. My brain has been burned and my softball coach is to blame.

My eyes don't focus on anything thats colder then my skin, if they do they water, I'm tired.

My heart and common sense brain lenght is tired. My dealing with issues is tired. I've sliped up with my words and I have a feeling it will bite me back.

But then again, that was with him, a differnt person who dosn't do the shallow thing. He dosn't do much of anything actualy, and I wish I loved him.

But I don't, at least not now.

I'm going to pretend Laura didn't tell me anything that might make me uncomfortable, beucase the best way to ruin a friendship is to try and make it something more. *Not with Laura you sickos* lol

I"m giong to go sleep now

And we'll sing when winter's finaly broken

I wasn't prepaired for how easily he told me you had cancer, or how much he hurt to say it.

And when I got yelled at I was surprised.

When they told me you were okay today I wasn't surprised though. I knew you would be.

And if they tell you you only have 3 weeks left again, at least you'll get spring break.

In refrence to those momentary times of insantiy

I hate my hair I hate my cloths I hate my feet I hate my body I hate my school I hate my computer I hate my personaity I hate my freckles I hate my face I hate my diet I hate my glasses I hate my earings I hate my softball team I hate my grades I hate my teachers I hate my bordem I hate hating things randomly.

*Screams and slams door*

Why can't I talk to you?

I know why we broke up, you were always too good for me.

I"m really tired of life and of your crap.

Just for future refrence, if you had stayed online, I wouldn't have dignified you with a response.

It can't be won

Its time for me to be movin on.

Easier said then done.

Its like...

Why does it seem as though everyone in my life has been fake but the one person I refuse to be with?

Why do I let you use everything I have just so you can continue to screw me over and even as I type I know tomorrow we'll be fine.

You really are a dick though. I love you, but your a dick.

To write love on her arms

Part of the problem I think is that they make it so very poetic on blogs and in books. It is dark, harmful, and yet they portray it as beautiful.

All it is is shame really.

I may end up being pleasently surprised. I might just get let down. Again.

Your all so not my scene anymore.

The year was 2007

So today I decided I was pretty tired of being everywhere at once, being brave and strong, pretending to care, caring, school, teachers, softball, parents, non-friends.

To my mother, who I love, and whom loves me dearly,

I'm tired of you getting on me. This is what I suggest. If you want to tell at me for having my shoes in the bathroom, figure out where the hell I go afterschool. take some damn responsibilty for the house and for me. I know your tired. I know you don't feel very well right now. Don't bitch at me for a parents meeting I don't particurly want you at anyway. I'm not making you go.

In the car on the way home when your blaming me for the world issues, I'd appriciate if you'd not tell me all I do is bitch and that you don't want to here it.

News flash, you don't know where I am half the time. You don't hear it. I spent my fucking birthday with people I've known for 2 days becuase you locked yourslef in the guest bed room and felt bad because you didn't have anything prepaird.

And guess what, despite your efforts, i still had a good birthday.

Do not act like as if I force you to do so many difficutl things. Trust me. I would have you as little as invovled as possible. Trust me. If I could drive, you wouldn't be anywhere near me or my needs.

***

To my father, who thinks he's the poor pathetic man I"m begingin to consider him,

Go screw yourself. I spent 3months in a row in a fucking hospital because you were too damn selfish to take care of yourself in the first place. Don't tell me your sick, you made yourself that way. You gulit me into doing all your shit for you and then bring me down becuase I'm never strong enough or not a boy. One thing your selfishnes has taught me is I can do whatever the heck I need to do to get by.

Think of mom once in a while m'kay? Everything will and always will be about you oh amazing lord of hte house, but she's the one who keeps everything together, or at least trys, so shut up and go with it. I can leave in 3 years. she can't.

Or, you can do that whole devorce thing again.

****
This all sounds very selfish. This all sounds like I don't appriciate them. I do, I swear it. But I want them to either pick parent or annoyance so I can bulid my life around that.

The Trap you set for us seems to have caught your own leg

Wow.

Lets just say....I'm so glad I'm on this end of you. Seriously, grow up.

Todays My Birthday

In 5th grade I didn't bring in cupcakes becuase i was afriad someone wouldn't like them

In 6th grade Chelsea Jones made me a sign with my name on it and gave me lipgloss

In 7th grade I had the Brithday Countdown.

In 8th Kristi ran into the lunchroom carrying cake.

In 9th grade I spent 2 weeks dreading it.

In 10th grade I spent half the night with my two best friends, the morning with my other, and none of them forgot.

I'm so lucky. This is what I'm going to have myself remember.

And...I know why everything happened now.

And were all gonna go to hell...

I knew it once.....took it too far, forgot, became mindless,

But you gotta kill yourself a little to really live.

I am tired, afraid, and tired of being afraid.

Coward in every sense of the word.

If its bad, I'm going to be blamed.

A reminder

That my problems, as messy and hurtful as they are, are not the peek.

Spinless my bestset friend

Picking sides is not difficult. There is only one side. Different perceptions, and still I knew all along where I stood.

I'm glad I'm not alone

Don't break the ice

I'm increidlby tired of walking on egg shells. Breakthroughs are painful and apolgies make me sick.

The great debate of contact is becoming more and more difficult to pick a side.

That is all

Yes yes yes title and all of that nonsense

Derek my dear, I'd like to inform you that your reasoning is horrible, your actions repulsive, and your backbone nonexistant.

I'd also like to thank you for the honestey my friend. At least someone can still say what they mean.

Jonathon my darling, please, if your not okay tell me, becuase theres only so much I can do when you lie to my face. Now I know how you felt.

Myself, my dahling, congragulations on severing the things that make you bitter. They do you no good and frankly I'm proud you deleted it all.

Laura pumpkin, he sounds JUST like you know who, I'd tell you to stay away, but your too much like me to listen. I hope your little heart isn't broken.

Letting Go of you helped me relize the world

Its the one thing I need to talk about...Your the last person I need to talk to.

I am dirt. I hate that I was a coward and screwed everything up. I want to tell you all the horrible things I've done and did to you. I want you to hate me. Just for a while.

But I can't tell you any of this becuase I know your'll get sad and try to comfort me. your still way to into it. Its been...almost 2 months and yours till way too into it. I'm afraid I'm giong to break you. I was always afraid I was going to break you.

I'm afraide I already broke you.

I broke all of this. Things played out on their own but I was the catalyst. Why couldn't I hold it together? Why couldn't I have kept my mouth shut?

I hate how fast I got over all of this. You were a part of me.....I'd get sick when you were sick. I'd cry when you were upset...I tried to take every bad thing that happend to you and make it my own.

I don't even feel an attraction anymore. None. It dosn't exist. I don't remember how that felt...

Sometimes I picture you, and I imagen your smell, and our hands and your arms.

And I get nothing. I know your first major relationship is supposed to fail...but its supposed to fail because you were stupid teenagers who screwed it up...

I guess the world got tired of us being happy so it decided to just make any feelings I had stop. They gave them all to you.

Sometimes...the words you use drive me crazy. :)

Mighty Moshing Emo Rangers

The Green Makes me happy and spring filled.

Last night I stayed up and read this stinkin book that you gave me. I'm vandelizing it as I go, just for a heads up.

But I'm doing it in a way that may make you laugh later.

It made me think about a lot of things that made me feel good and bad at hte same time. It made me think that i don't have to be ashamed of anything anymore.

Stuff right now isn't great. Its mostly not even good. I hurt....but I'm okay.

"Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional."- Greta Randolph

I think that means that I dont have to be okay with everything to be fine. I think that means that I should show more emotion to my friends. Maybe put a little more out there.

I love all of my guys, but I'm begining to love my girls just the same in differnt ways. I need both.

I'm begining to love people. Even the ones who drive me absolutly crazy. EVEN the kid who sits in front of me in Study Hall.

Be ready for an emo entry in the future! haha

Half of me wants to go into incredible vibrate detail.

Logicly speaking it will only annoy you though.

1 am.

3 great conversations.

3 great guys.

I used to do this all the time. I still think I'll go to bed early on most days, but this ain't half bad.

Maybe before you lash out at me, you should think.

Everything that has happend I did to try to make oyu happy.

You threw it in my face.

Maybe it's immature to block you. But I don't see productivity flowing from our conversations.

Maybe before you blame me for hurting your relationship, you should know that two weeks ago when she told me she wasn't going to talk to you anymore I said no, that i Couldn't do that to you. That I wanted you happy.

but you just want me to be a bad person.

Another thing. To your arugment that i have things figured out and I shove it in others faces.

I used to hate myself. I used to hate everything in the world. I would pray I didn't wake up in the morning.

Then, I became happy. So sorry me being somewhat okay with life makes you so darn uncomfortable.

I blocked you becuase now you can get everything you want. You can have Kasey, which honestly I hope makes you happy, maybe Kasey and can be friends again.

Soooooooooooooooooo I've done some thinking here abouts.

What I did was wrong. Not Right. My Fault. And I should apolgise for it.

Apolgising for it is not the hard part. Owning up to it is not the hard part.

The hard part, is watching Derek, someone I confided in, someone who confided in ME, act like I was this horrible person who said mean things about you.

Yeah, he was definitly not saying you had a great heart Friday.

But thats you and Dereks problem. I'm staying out of it.

Thats another concluison I've come to.

I don't know why I have such a hard time with this friendship thing with you. Its like, were friends, you freak out about something stupid, I get yelled at, I decide there is no way its worth it.

And then....then I miss having you around. Because your fun. And sometimes, when your not being petty and stupid, you actualy use your head and your nice to talk to. Sometimes those instances are few and far between.

It is becuase of those instances that I come back to you I think. Even then its not like I can't get this from other friends. I do have them, but its YOU I put the effort into.

People keep asking me "Why do you even talk to her?"

And I blush and say "She's not so bad"

Then they call you a whore. Thats them, not me.

So basicly what I"m saying is, I don't know why I come back to you. Nothing about this friendship is logical. Maybe thats why I"m afraid I keep saying I want to pull away.

Maybe because I"m refusing to pull away means I don't really want to be away at all.

Guess I"m just confused.

And another issue to this friendship, is the boy.

Maybe thats the most confusing part. I'm not jealouse you have him......I just don't know how to be friends with him and you.

I mean I do, but when I was he did not like you. Now he does, and it gets pretty stupid.

So my plan was to avoid all that.

Then he starts asking questions. Things we've talked about. Things you deny, but I know you know you said them. You've said them to me.

You have said things to me in a confidence that I"ve broken. For that I'm really really sorry. It was stupid of me. And wrong, and my fault. It is THAT that I am apolgising for.

But you did say them. I actualy understand the covering your tracks bit. Your good at that. They eat out of the palm of your hand, once again, thats your issue to deal with.

Its gonna work out in your favor you know? I"ll come out looking like a bitch, you'll come out looking like the hurt little princess, but I"ll apolgise and you'll easily forgive

*After the initial yelled and cussing of course, that i couldn't possibly give back to you because it hurts your feelings*

And then life will go on its merry way until something happens again.

I may have made you cry, not hard to do, you cry all the time. But I didn't mean to, I Really didn't. I honostly don't know why you'd even care what I think about you. I really don't. I'm not sure how I feel on this point. You've always said it hurt when I was mad at you.....maybe you really do.

I don't get that.

I don't really get why anyone would care what I Think. Contrary to waht you think, I don't think your below me. Were pretty equal actualy. This recent knowladge that I can't keep a secret is only too obviouse

Half the time I don't even care what I Think. I think what I can but do what I have to do to try to get through with out getting hurt, with out falling down like I have before, to avoid all the things that almost killed me before.

I don't care if you don't like me.

I don't care if you hate me.

But I don't want you to think that I hate you. Becuase I honostly don't. I don't Kasey, I swear.

So....I guess this is whats gonna happen.

Were gonna talk.

Your gonna go off on me *I've done this like 8 times now, I know how it works*

I'm gonna just say sorry.

Over and over again if need me. I'm going to tell you I don't hate you. I'm going to hope you believe me.

If it works out again fine, thats awesome.

And then, I'm not going ot have any part in it.

Because not to blame other things, but I could do a LOT better at 'miscontruing your words" or whatever if you didn't tell me how you feel about him, or him, or him.

And if he didn't demand info, I wouldn't feel obligated to give it.

I don't quite know how I plan on acomplishing this. Perhaps long sabaticals at Kyles and an increased softball work ethic. A new Debate event. I don't know.

Your gonna think I"m being a cold bitch, you'll probably call me one. But I'm doing it so I don't hurt you more. Or him.

Or myslef.

Later.

Love Hate Relationships

I find I have a love hate relationship with most things.

I love Karam when it works in my favor, I hate it when it dosn't

The same with Irony

I think the two can be interchangable

This song makes me dance.

Talking to him on the phone for 2hrs makes me smile, even if I Don't know why were talking

A pact made me smile. Things don't always change.

Those who were there then are there now. SOme new have been added. I know who is there now.

I was wrong, but all that came of that was knowladge and better friendships with the old group.

I guess I'm sad your mad at me, and accusing me of things.

But I don't think I really am, becuase I've known these things about myself all along.

I'm sorry, and I take the blame....but I'm not going to work on them just becuase you decided to notice.

We were always distructive.

Sign laungage

So, heres the deal.

I'm on a treadmill, and I'm running.

I mean really running. I"m thinking that maybe if I run fast enough, every mad bone in my body will sweat ouf of me.

And I'm running far because I don't want to go back were I have to face you, and I don't want to come home to us aruging like an old married couple only were not old or married.

I've been trying to figure out why the heck I keep coming back to this argument, and why I'm not letting it go but not getting it out there.

And then I'm thinking about the millions of conversations we've had, and how we've never been like this nonesense.

I increase the speed becuase I don't like this train of thought.

Then I start to think about all the crap you've said, and all the crap I've said. We're pretty similar I think....in what we say, and what we mean.

And I know I didn't mean any of what I said, and somehow, I know you don't either.

I'm also thinking about how life with you was great, but life with out being 'with' you will be great too, but theres no reason why we shouldn't be us.

Suddenly this whole, fighting thing seems really really stupid.

So I decide there and then that when I get home I'm just gonna tell you I don't care about what happened because....well I don't.

It bothered me. But if i had to chose over a friendship and being bothred, theres really no choice.

I'm gonna be there for you man, and I know your going to be there for me. Thats all I really need.

I know you have your own stuff to deal with.

I know you've got issues and problems and beef and history.

But your so completely disgusting. I want to hate you with all I have. I do NOT understand those like you.

I hope for your own sake you shut up and do whats right for once. No one deserves whats happening. Think about someone other than yourself.

We feel for him.

Small town beltdown

I have my blanket tied around myself aboe the waste. Its not flattering but neither am I, besides if I close my eyes and focus I can pretend I'm an egyptian princess.

I don't like snakes either.

She talks to me more than before and it makes me feel like maybe I'm getting back whatever I lost. Rachel speaks of late night escipades and the eggs that looked gross and how Krisit picked out the stuff to go in them and I remember the first time kristi did

And I know Kristi does too, and that she was thinking about it last night, and she probably even used the stupid term I came up with to pretend to fit in and it makes me think maybe stuff isn't that far gone.

I'm not unhappy with life......I'm pissed at it.

And I'm mad at so much that dosn't even deserve me thinking about it.

And I'm greatful for many things that arn't recieving my attention...

And the fuck is he making decisions for me?

Mostly I"m mad at myself.....but that dosn't keep me from muttering things under my breath.

Everwood has given me hope.

Looking for a mericle.

So I'm walking around in cheer shorts and a poney tail. Bangs pulled back with a bobby pen, out of the shower with smered uneven mascara.

I look similar to the girls who can never quite pull it off.

I look like the time Kristi and Kasey thought I needed a make-over, tied me up, shoved my head under the sink and cooed and looked confused.

I reamerged an hour later looking like a whore. All they made over was the amount of unnatural gunk on my face.

Shrugging they looked to one another "We tried" a sigh.

Guess I can't quite pull it off.

Today while talking to three amazing friends I wanted to scream and tell them to go away. I was so tired. My head is quite literly close to exploding.

I can't blame the world for deciding to hit a speedbump in the time span of three weeks, its been a crazy timeline of stress.

People have died or tried to die, people have lied and gotten their hopes up, he's poped up out of no where while he trys to make a stunning comeback.

Don't do this now kid, try again in March when things will be differnt.

And YOU! Don't you dare do what I know your thinking about doing. Yes. Tis Seflish of me to do this to you my darling but I already have his guilt I can't deal with my comic relief dieing on me.

And to you, I'm so pumped your starting to feel again. I'm sorry I've been distracted, thank you for understanding.

I still don't respect you. But I know I should, so I'm going to try to hold my toung. Try harder.

Remember your stupid breaks suck next time m'kay?

Heh, I wish the world had breaks...just so I could catch my breath before the next stupid speedbump.

I"m tired too.

What we can't

It looked like you were having a good night. but you looked sad too.

I don't blame you...I didn't help. I know the feeling, I'm sorry.

All I want is for you to be happy, for you to have an incredible life.....but I can't help you. You have to go on and be strong......

I swear, if you make me feel guilty....Heh.

Tonight when he sang and they danced and I could look around and see all those people who I sorta knew but kinda didn't, it made me wish I had kept up with all this.

But then I looked around and noticed everyone was with someone differnt and I remembered all the fakeness of it all and was not in the least bit remorceful

THEN I saw Jordon. Oh good Lord Jordon. If I had known you existed I would have pretended to be scene....

lol, We didn't talk my love, but I'm going to tell myslef we have a connection.

I have your cd now. You sing backup as your friend plays his gutiar.......Lea wants your friend. Your sorta short for me but we all make changes for love.'

Sadly, you live in Lgoansport and I here, I do not want hte Burkolder complex so it won't work...not know...maybe in time.

Small steps

Damn it!

I freakin blow my one chance to hang out becuase my stupid parents decided a LONG dinner would be fun, and phones are unacceptable for table time.


I'm so sorry.....I"m a jerk. :(


***

I'm bummed we didn't get to hang out. I really miss doing stuff like that. I hope we get hte chance to again sometime..

Now you can see how I look silly when I crush on someone.

:)

Other art forms

So I've probably started like 49392 of these entries and deleted it becuas I just can't describe myself properly...

Then I thought, perhaps interprative dance is where my creativity lies


But seeing as you cna't see my dance, i shall leave.

Tootaloo

Glitches

My AIM isn't working at the moment. Tis a good thing I think. I'm sitting here dieing to talk to those who confuse me and those who make me feel special and those who might or might not have alterier motives.

Nectar in a Sieve. Revelations on pages 50-62 *I don't remember where it is...I"M not looking it up*

It shocked me....and made me mad. But I kinda liked it too.

Time aloe isn't bad. Life alone is....my cat is eating my fish.

Gooday.

On the last few days of our lives...

I got off.

I got off and I went upstairs. If he really wanted to talk it out he'd call. If he just wanted to be mean he wouldn't.

He called.

He called and yelled. I talked and I yelled.

But it was better then what we were doing.

Someone please shoot me next time I write something like the last entry...I'm 10seconds away from taking it down.

Jon's grandfather died. Its an egnigma. When my grandmother died he didn't know for like a week, I'm stuck between being there and letting him cope...

But I"m going to be there becuase this is me, and I'm just dumb like that.

Pathetic

I am mad that I am so pathetic that I almost felt special when he put his arm around me.

I know he's just a stupid kid and it dosn't mean anything. I don't want it to either.

I'm not unhappy with out these sort of things. I don't loose my self worth....

But still, its sorta nice to know at least somethings don't change crazy fast.

Chlice's of the heart

I was greatful for my hectick weekend becuase it kept me busy, and I didn't have to think.

Becuase I'm afraid when I start to think, I'll slip, and drown.

I don't want to be aware that every stupid song lyric could be a representation of my feelings right now.

i don't want to be a statistic.

In otherwords, I've started looking forward to meeting my future husband. It sound silly and dumb, but its a nice comforting thought...

Its important...

But on a scale of 1-10, its probably only like a 4.

Robert

When I first met you, I was 7.

A late starter, I never quite knew what was going on. You wanted perfection, and I was lost.

At 7, you scared the hell out of me. I wasn't allowed to say hell, thus I didn't think of it. So I suppose at 7 you just REALLY scared me.

When I was 9 I was still confused. Slightly less lost, burdened with more responsibilty my lack of knowladge became apparent. I don't think you ever knew what to do with me. A moment of talent and then a blundering mistake.

You said you'd loan me a T if I'd practice batting. I said I probably wouldn't. You laughed and said at least the kid is honest.

At 9 you made me cry. A lot.

When I was 12 we found out I was compatent with a catchers mit. I used yours, it was too big, so when your daughter threw the ball it bent my fingers back.

They snapped. You knew it. You knew they were broken and so did I.

You also knew that I could finaly prove myself, you called time, came out with a weightlifting glove, shoved it over my batters, and didn't make fun of me crying and wincing. Natile won't admit it, but we were equals then.

At 12 I was scared, crying, and intemidated.

And you were done. Politcs took over and you didn't want to deal with it.

Last year you told me I shouldn't even bother trying if I was going to do it so badly. I laughed and said I knew, but I wondered where you got off telling me that. I tried to do it your way....I don't know if it helped.

I used to time my batting to get done before 4, becuase you got off work at 3:45 and would be there JUST in time to see me, and I knew I couldn't hit if you watched.

At 14 you made me so mad I refused to give up.

This year you have yet take me asside and tell me I'm awful. i've caught every ball you've hit and even did the stupid back hand thing you hate so much but admit is necessary.

Tonight you hit me, I laughed again and said child abuse.

"Yeah it is" you say, but for once I'm not afraid, I didn't cry, I didn't want to run away and be intemidated....

I dunno. You are a weird guy Bob.

Getting back the thing I always had

You really are a amazing person.

I thought you wanted to change the world, you had the intelegence and the talent to acomplish that and it got me so excited.

But I was the thing holding you down. You and I might have been too good. I let you be content with just me, because you were all I had.

Sitting in your arms as you made everything right. I always liked your arms. After Mexico they stayed tanned and muscular. I always felt safe.

In the mornings I was the reason you came to school. I know I was kid, don't even deny it. I have testamonial and evidence to this.

But I shoudln't have been your reason to do that...you needed your own personal drive, not in that of a person.

And we grew apart....and I think your begining to figure out why I did what I did. Your still way to good for me. After all I've done you still wait to make sure I"ll get home okay.

Thats who you are. You want to help people.

Today I turend around and saw a group of people around asking for help. They had asked me but I was too caught up in my homework so I tossed your name.

For once you wern't busy drawing or self loathing. You didn't throw out a sarcastic remark or make fun of them.

I smiled, becuase thats how you were meant to be....I'm glad you found that.

Thats when your happy.

Extenuating circumstances

As I sat and cried and questioned everything I believed, he told me a story about a princess.

Sometimes, his utterlack of understanding helps.

Check list for the teenager

I update this stpuid thing, but I don't know what diference it made....

A reminder that some things are not my bussness and not worth getting upset over.

To not count your chickens before they hatch.

Appricaite what you have....

Do not dwell on what you've lost.

And to always work to make things better *Unless its the betteerment of something thats none of my bussness. :D*

So,

He and I are fine.....

You and he are fine.....

You and me are fine...*twitches*

And he sits and home feeling like a selfish asswhole who ruined your life becuase thats what you told him.

I'm not good at math, but this dosn't add up.

Come on Kase, don't make this harder then it is

...

I don't want to loose him....

Sure, i never had him.....well I did....but not like that.

And I didn't want him like that....we wanted to take it slow...

Now I feel like I"ve lost this really important thing....

Even while I was being told he had backstabed me I wanted nothing more to just listen to him and what he had to say....

I had screwd up...I didn't even know I had, i want to fix it

I've never wanted to fix something so much.

I don't want us to be apart. We don't have to be together...you just mean so much to me

Know that please.

I can't make myself breath.

Oh my God...

You couldn't.......you couldn't.....

how could you.

I need an explanation.

I need one so bad right now.

If he's right....I didn't know guys like you really existed.

Is it all parenoia?

He never did this.

He never could.

At least I don't think so....

All insecurities, I am sure. It has to be.

It has to be.

I will be proven wrong, this is all hormones, this is all...teenage stupidity.

Why am I letting it controle my life like this? Is this all I am? Just like everyone else?

:(

Your heart is worth more than you know

I'm going to cry.

I'm going to sit in my room with all the lights off, in my little alcove corner thing that Mr. Bagley put there just for me, I will sit and I will feel sorry about every wrong thing in this world.

The wrong things happening to meand the wrong things happening to others.

The things that never should happen, the good stuff that might not ever happen.

Insecurites that some understand with a look, and others just can not comprehend.

Inadaqutceys that make me want to scream that I'm a fake loser who's just good at hiding it.
Inadaqutceys that make me want to hide in the shelter of the back row of hte class.

Relating with people I don't want to relate to.

Relating with my own kind.

Hating the fact that there are some things about me that only he understand becuase he spent so long dealing with them

Hating that love can turn into an emo song.

Witnessing mascara tear markings in math books is a pitiful site.

Giving up and getting yelled at. So unsure about positions on teams and in life.

Hate being a hormonial teenager.

I hate looking back and wondering how stupid decisions effect lives. I hate wondering if she was lonely and really wanted a friend.

I hate wondering if my confusion left her alone.

The knowladge that what the old people talk about is never going to come about.

I hate this whining.

Sometimes we just need the time to sit and cry about stupid stuff.....

On the upside...I learned the difference between "Than" and "then"

And there is always tomorrow...

I'm in such a bad mood.

I'm going to sigh, shrugg everything thats bothering me away, and go to bed early.

The hope it will all be nothing in the morning deep in my mind

Well that was nice.

So I can go a least semmester with out crying about something as pathetic as a math test.

But a lot of good not crying did me. At least when I cried I got a B at the end.

I think I passed....3 test/quizzes in her class? Thats real special.

I hate how bad I am at this stuff. I hate how little I know what I"m doing. My foundation sucks and theres nothing to put new stuff on

I just want to sleep. :(

To whom it may concer

Dear Ex Significant other.

I hate the perseon you make me feel like. I hate feeling like the unsymathetic jerk who is controlling and demanding.

But I need you to go find your own way now.

Sincerly.

Your ex Significant other

A small rant

I hate. Hate. HATE finding my favorite song typed in multicolord font in the profile of some teenager girl who wants attention and sympathy.

You are as shallow as a shower. Now drop the song lyrics until you can understand the bigger words and go.

*That sounded really mean....I"m sorry. But its getting in my nerves*

NEVER, tell a girl something you don't want the whole world to know about.

I"m filling up this line becuse I don't have a title but I don't want to leave it blank

Topic A. I'm tired.

Subtopic A. I have no real responsibilities today.

Topic B. I have many things I Need to acomplish.

Subtopic B. My ear smells like orange juice.

And so today I walk around my house with a fuzzy blanket around me like an old lady who just can't get warm because quite frankly, I can't.

But I"m not trying very hard because I like the feeling of being in a cacoon, its cozy and comforting on a rainy day.

Days like today make me want to do nothing but sit on the couch in my cacooned state and watch DVD's. Which is sorta odd, becuase I used to not be able to sit through a movie, and i used to hate feeling wrapped up.

Today though I feel bad about my simi sleepy state, because I don't want to dissapoint him by not going to watch....how lazy he must think me when i have all the luxerys of lounging and he has no rest for himself.

On another front, I spent 2 in a half years trying to talk to J, only for him to dodge and dissapear when it really mattered. Now he wants to work it all out, and while I should sit, listen, and empahtise I'm done.

I'm not done in a mad "Hurt Me No Longer" lifetime movie way, I just have other things to focus on and he's way too late to warrent my attention.

But me and you, my darling ex, I need to learn to keep our freakish talkings to ourselves, at least when I don't absolutly need to let it out. You are a mystery I must figure out on my own, and no offance E, but your not really an unbiased opinion. ;)

When I say figure out, I don't mean run back to. Do not be afriad my dear.

Football sounds in the backround make my head hurt.....and Faris Bueler is calling my name.

Good Day.


P.S, I hope this post won't make you feel otherwise....but we are VERY good.

I have such high hopes for this semester.....I want everything to be amazing. I know it will be busy and stressful, but hopefuly good stress that leads to better things.

On another note all together, I've got a weird feeling about going to stpuid softball tonight.

blarhgishmama this post was pointless lol

Not yet.

Not quite

And then it hit

I should tell that your amazing every stinking day of this new year, and every moment i should remember that your not him, and you arn't just saying all that stuff becuase its new and fun for you.

I should make sure you know that when I"m not giggling and spurting out lovy dovy sayings its not becuase I don't feel them, but because I"m trying to find that balance between seriouseness and play and I"m afriad that if I go all out a mask will go up for the both of us and we'll forget we were so good together before all of that 'your amazing' nonsense

You are though.

Please know that this is all very similar and compeltly differnt from what I've been doing these past years, and some days I may hate J and wish he jump off a cliff and leave me alone, but other days I may feel sorrow for him.

And then I may get mad, but you know how fun girls moods are right?

Please though, do not beat yourself up. If you have worries or fears or if you think I"M leaving you to be with an elephant, just yell a little.

I"ll hear ya.