It is my belief that there is a point in the chaning of a mental attitude in which you don't really understand anyone, or anything.
This point hopefully only lasts a small amount of time, but a time in which everyone and everything seems to be acting differntly then you think they should. You can no longer predict their reponses, and it becomes tediouse to speak to others.
The point is necessary in order to reach the better destenation that will improve yourself, but in the meantime you find yourself question just what that destenation is.
It is my belief that that is what makes this point so very dangerouse.
What if you chooose the wrong destination? What if you simply decide to stay up in this confusion for everyone? What if you have to sacrafice something your not sure you can do without?
What if its nothing more then a small amount of teeange angst with reason behind it?
What if its not angst at all, but a drive to change, an instinct to do better, to act differntly.
And I don't know why this point has to exist, it dosn't make sense to me, but somehow, I know that its necessary for the end.
Saturday, February 18, 2006
Saturday, February 11, 2006
Backing up for some needed observation
We'll talk, and he'll set off a trigger somewhere in me that gets me more annyoed then should be possible, then we begin the slight bickering and I become insulted and frustrated...
Then, I'll step back and look at what I'm doing.
What I'm acting like is someone who is impatient, rude, unkind, unloving, selfish, and a jerk.
Its something that I struggle with constantly. It might be that for so long I kept all of those annoyances inside until one day the boiled over and I havn't kept them in check sense, or it could be that I am truly all the things listed above.
Either way, its something I can work with, work thourgh, and hopefully prevent.
Its something I'm going to have to prevent, because these 'triggers' arn't bad things. There completly normal everyday things, things he should have to withold, things I should responde to with empathy and love.
Not utter annoyance at at the way he approaches them.
Yeah, I can twist thoughts and emotions to make my pet peeves sound like completly justifyable things. I can turn him into some sort of looser/jerk/monster, but thats just not hte truth.
I want to stop being so hard on him and myself, I want to grow up and finaly stop letting stupid things like a workshop ruine my mind for a month before it even occures.
In one sense, its an event that gets all my closests friends out of the school the day before my birthday, on the week where I won't see J at all praticly, and I'll be eating lunch alone dealing with the fact they didn't think I was good enough to go while the jocks with no brain we're chosen.
On the other hand, maybe they we're chosen and I wasn't becuase I've already had so many amazing opratunities. Maybe I"m stuck in school alone to branch out to others and actualy be an example while all the 'real' leaders are away. Maybe the jocks are going because they DO influence a lot of people. This is 1 day I'm not going to remember 20years from now. I'm not going, and thats what God wants, and its what I should want too.
Then, I'll step back and look at what I'm doing.
What I'm acting like is someone who is impatient, rude, unkind, unloving, selfish, and a jerk.
Its something that I struggle with constantly. It might be that for so long I kept all of those annoyances inside until one day the boiled over and I havn't kept them in check sense, or it could be that I am truly all the things listed above.
Either way, its something I can work with, work thourgh, and hopefully prevent.
Its something I'm going to have to prevent, because these 'triggers' arn't bad things. There completly normal everyday things, things he should have to withold, things I should responde to with empathy and love.
Not utter annoyance at at the way he approaches them.
Yeah, I can twist thoughts and emotions to make my pet peeves sound like completly justifyable things. I can turn him into some sort of looser/jerk/monster, but thats just not hte truth.
I want to stop being so hard on him and myself, I want to grow up and finaly stop letting stupid things like a workshop ruine my mind for a month before it even occures.
In one sense, its an event that gets all my closests friends out of the school the day before my birthday, on the week where I won't see J at all praticly, and I'll be eating lunch alone dealing with the fact they didn't think I was good enough to go while the jocks with no brain we're chosen.
On the other hand, maybe they we're chosen and I wasn't becuase I've already had so many amazing opratunities. Maybe I"m stuck in school alone to branch out to others and actualy be an example while all the 'real' leaders are away. Maybe the jocks are going because they DO influence a lot of people. This is 1 day I'm not going to remember 20years from now. I'm not going, and thats what God wants, and its what I should want too.
Thursday, February 09, 2006
Monday, February 06, 2006
Archive searching
We call this kid Sunshine, becuase it bugs him, and he's just that cool...
But this conversation you see, was the end. It was the last in a long list of really deep conversations that changed this kid, the weird acne guy sitting next to me in Social Studies made one of the biggest impacts on my life when he randomely im'd me.
He's the most confusing man in the world.
He's the only guy who I can relate to sometimes, and the guy I spent a good deal of time loathing.
He's the only guy who cared enough to ask me about my grandmother, to ask me enough if I was going ot be okay after a major melt down, and the only guy to offer me a person to yell and scream at who he wouldn't judge or think low on
Yet, he's the only person who's ever lied so blantetly, the only person I know to be so egnorant and so moody. The guy with the biggest anger problem in the world, and the most hypocretical man.
Though he'll chew your head off if you say that. But he won't hit you, dos'nt hit girls.
Sunshine:I SEEM TO UNCONCIOUSLY THINK THE WORLD REVOLVES AROUND ME!!!
SS: I KNOW IT DOESN'T BUT I CAN'T STOP IT!!!!
Me: Its okay.
SS:I'm incapable of having those conversations anymore.
MeI know it dosn't seem like it, but it's okay.
Me: I think I am too.
Me:But do you remember them?
Me:They were awesome.
SS:Yeah I do.
SS:But that can't happen anymore.
SS:Trust me, very few people want to know what's going on in my head.
SS:It's a damn warzone in there.
Me: I know I don't know.
Me:Thats what I ment to say.
Me: I'm sorry.
SS:You wanna know one of my deepest darkest secrets?
SS:ONe that will warp any human being's perception of me.
Me): Do you want to tell me?
Me: Becasue if you do, I'll listen.
SS:Well, anyway, I have to finish this paper.
SS:No, I don't want to tell you.
SS:I don't want to tell anyone.
Me: Fair enough.
SS:I just want it t go away.
SS:I need to go.
Me: Okay.
Me:Bye
SS:Finish my paper with Red Bull in hand.
Me: Thats the only way to do it
Sunshine): I need you to do something for me.
SS:Forget this conversation.
SS:For your sake and mine.
The scary thing?
I did forget.
But this conversation you see, was the end. It was the last in a long list of really deep conversations that changed this kid, the weird acne guy sitting next to me in Social Studies made one of the biggest impacts on my life when he randomely im'd me.
He's the most confusing man in the world.
He's the only guy who I can relate to sometimes, and the guy I spent a good deal of time loathing.
He's the only guy who cared enough to ask me about my grandmother, to ask me enough if I was going ot be okay after a major melt down, and the only guy to offer me a person to yell and scream at who he wouldn't judge or think low on
Yet, he's the only person who's ever lied so blantetly, the only person I know to be so egnorant and so moody. The guy with the biggest anger problem in the world, and the most hypocretical man.
Though he'll chew your head off if you say that. But he won't hit you, dos'nt hit girls.
Sunshine:I SEEM TO UNCONCIOUSLY THINK THE WORLD REVOLVES AROUND ME!!!
SS: I KNOW IT DOESN'T BUT I CAN'T STOP IT!!!!
Me: Its okay.
SS:I'm incapable of having those conversations anymore.
MeI know it dosn't seem like it, but it's okay.
Me: I think I am too.
Me:But do you remember them?
Me:They were awesome.
SS:Yeah I do.
SS:But that can't happen anymore.
SS:Trust me, very few people want to know what's going on in my head.
SS:It's a damn warzone in there.
Me: I know I don't know.
Me:Thats what I ment to say.
Me: I'm sorry.
SS:You wanna know one of my deepest darkest secrets?
SS:ONe that will warp any human being's perception of me.
Me): Do you want to tell me?
Me: Becasue if you do, I'll listen.
SS:Well, anyway, I have to finish this paper.
SS:No, I don't want to tell you.
SS:I don't want to tell anyone.
Me: Fair enough.
SS:I just want it t go away.
SS:I need to go.
Me: Okay.
Me:Bye
SS:Finish my paper with Red Bull in hand.
Me: Thats the only way to do it
Sunshine): I need you to do something for me.
SS:Forget this conversation.
SS:For your sake and mine.
The scary thing?
I did forget.
Saturday, February 04, 2006
The nonexistant what ifs that save us all
I, Virginia Clara Mills, was just over come with the sudden urge to run away....
Not because I want to leave something abusive behind. Not becuase I'm tired of it here....I'm just ready for something else.
At the moment, those complete lifestyle changes that usualy terrify me have now become the thoughts tugging in the back of my mind, what if I droped it all, and started over?
I suppose its easy to think such thoughts when its late at night and your dreading a Monday, but at the moment I think something inside of me is broken......
The part of you that tells you about consequences.
Hehe, its a good thing theres no such thing as what if.
Not because I want to leave something abusive behind. Not becuase I'm tired of it here....I'm just ready for something else.
At the moment, those complete lifestyle changes that usualy terrify me have now become the thoughts tugging in the back of my mind, what if I droped it all, and started over?
I suppose its easy to think such thoughts when its late at night and your dreading a Monday, but at the moment I think something inside of me is broken......
The part of you that tells you about consequences.
Hehe, its a good thing theres no such thing as what if.
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