there isn't a soundtrack for every thing.

Creativity seems to come to me in the strangest ways. Myspace pages are not on the top of the list for ways to get the sparks flying, but when vegans vent about movies and life apparently it speaks to me.

Its 1 a.m right now and I'm reminded how easily I fall into the pattern of rising late and going to bed early in the morning....we have yet to repeate the events of two summers ago, thankfuly break should be over before we get to the point where its day before I go to sleep...

And yet I don't want to go to bed just yet.

I struggled with myself on weather or not to go into emo writing mode.....it wouldn't necessarly be EMO writings....it'd just be the stray thoughts linked together like days of old.

I ponderd putting it on the xanga...but as the entrys slowly turn to the long essays of 8th grade I decided that perhaps the wonderful teenage populace isn't quite ready for all of my silly thoughts quite yet.

And then I thought "Heck, the other one is mostly private, if you can't be dumb on your own blog then where can you?"

So here I am, and this is my life on Decemeber 30th 2006

****

Tonight I witnessed several friendships fall apart, was told I make her question the things she believed, and decided there is no point in worrying about it all.

They took a mans life. I don't feel particurly happy, nor do I feel particurly sad....

I think I've gotten to the truth behind the freakish relationship of Derek and Kasey, just in time to sit back, eat my popcorn, and watch them kill each other.

Only, Derek won't* hit girls and Kasey has The Vadican telling her not to kill so it may be an odd struggle.

I wonder what the hell I'm doing running around town with two girls every night of break. Is this me trying to make up for past mistakes that wern't even my mistake? Is this me simply trying to become good friends and make the best of high school?

Or is this me trying to do what people tell me to do.....is this me trying to tell Jon that "Hey, Look at how much better my life is without you"

It is though....just so you all know.

Then theres the fact that there are so many exciting changes and relationships going on right now! Possibilties are opening up and its impossible for me to focus on anything else other than this hopeful future that I can create.

However I worry if I focus too much on the future and possibiltes I will miss any and all chances for them to acutlay happen...

But odly enough...I'm not that worried.

I don't know why. I look around and everyone is freaking. I guess they are just now relizing that nothing is set in stone, they won't have the comfort of this teenage life forever and holy crap, there life will get to a point where they have controle....

Its hard for me to sit and listen to them have all those doubts and thoughts. Perhaps I sturggled with all of these things early so that when it came time for some others to experence it they wouln'dt be alone like I was.

And yet instead of giving encouraging words I just think "How annoying. They don't even think out of hte box"

I'm sure they think "How annoying. She acts like she can do anything."

But....who has the ability to tell me, or you, or anyone, that they can't?


*A story not even blogger should hear.

You never understood me, becase were the same, and I don't understand myself.

What the hell did I just voulenteer for.....

Should have gone with the old people.

A point to mention

One of the important skills to obtain to be an effective person is knowning when you should let them win.

Haha

Okay, so if one were to look back a year at yesterdays entry, one would be very surprised/happy to hear that that I spent all yesterday with friends enjoying life.

Take that emo music

Oh, and I'm TOTALY ready for Christmas.

Not so difficutl decions

I hate blocking you when you think I just had to go....

But its the niceset way I can tell you to back off, stop flirting, I know you don't mean it, and your an over all perverted guy.

Yeah thats right. Not all girls are dumb.

(Eric, this is not directed at you, you parenoid dork) lol

Remorse

Okay, I felt bad that you got sad.
I felt bad you looked alone and worried
I felt bad I was a little to harsh.

I was not however crying becuase of this sin.....it dosn't change anything. I meant the things I Said....I just regert having ot say them

Becoming the character

Theres a website that hosts around 500 stories about one character.

I've read almost every single one.

There amazing reads really, some are better than any book I've ever seen....but I hate the way I feel after reading them.

They make me feel like my life now isn't right....and it should be more like the ones they show me, and I don't know why.

Connect through our fualt lines

I wish everyone in the world could get a small glimps into the lives of those around them.

All the insecuritys we have that we think are unique are things thta connect us to every other human biene in the world.

Loved

"We got in a little arugment last night"

I turn and look at her confused "What about?"

She gets shy an laughs "Well....you actualy"

I guess my look of confusion prompted her to continue "Well.....he knew you broke up with Jon and wanted to call you and talk to you about it because he said that you had talked to him....but I said that I was your big sister and i should do it"

"So you got in an arugment over which one of you would help me? You do realize i wasn't crying in my pillow right?"


"Yeah but...your our friend"

Its good to know people actualy aruge about helping you.

So heres the deal.

While trying not to cry in Algebra I just wanted to hug him and cry into his sholder because its so very comfortable.

But we never did that before anyway.

And then while waiting for H to show up to practice I See him walking across the parking lot and my instinct tells me to call him.

The cell dosn't work.

I'm not running back to him.....this are just so normal there weird and I swear, if the Asian asks me out I'm gonna be mad.

Tootles

This is harder then it looks

The Calvin Cycle

The title of this post is the Calvin Cycle for two reasons.

First, I'm working on a project in wich I shall compair Christmas cookies to the process of photosynthisis.

Second, the 'cycle' part sorta describes my life and this blog right now.

This blog was created after finding out that my AOL one that I created to get out some feelings about the then secret Jon and I, stoped working.

In fact, a lot of entrees in here are recycled from that blog, that is until it decided it was just going to randomly delete them and I would loose them to the clutches of cyber space.

But thats okay because I just needed to get it all out. I needed a place to share the frustration of living a secret.

Shortly after getting this blog I couldn't handle it anymore and made the relationship public. Then this place became a spot where I could vent about the surprisingly few times he really annoyed me or upset me.

So I probably havn't done a very good justice to him, becuase he really is a great guy who would have done anything to make me happy. We were both just inexperenced and in way over our heads.

This summer when I went away I was forced to grow up. And while in my opinion I think I act the same mostly, I also realized somthing when returning home. I was a strong girl. Jon, my previouse rock of stability and strength didn't really need to be that rock anymore.

I was my own rock, my bliefs were my rock, what I needed from Jon was simply.....A great friend so we could continue to be something more then friends.

Unfourtinitly thats really hard to explaine to a guy who for the life of him can't figure out why the heck you don't fall all over him anymore.

But I tried to explaine it, and I suppose he tried to understand, but actions were never really taken on either part and Me being the strong person I am decided to stop it.

Like I Said, he's a great guy and I was lucky to have him there with me for 2 in a half great years. There are a lot of things I regret about it, but I learned more then I could have asked for and for that I"m greatful.

So Jon, if I ever let you read this, just know that I loved you and I probably always will in a way but I needed to do this for both of us.

And NOW this blog is going to see a lot more of the new, a lot less of the dying relationship or the dying Virginia, and a lot more growth.

Excited no?