there isn't a soundtrack for every thing.

Creativity seems to come to me in the strangest ways. Myspace pages are not on the top of the list for ways to get the sparks flying, but when vegans vent about movies and life apparently it speaks to me.

Its 1 a.m right now and I'm reminded how easily I fall into the pattern of rising late and going to bed early in the morning....we have yet to repeate the events of two summers ago, thankfuly break should be over before we get to the point where its day before I go to sleep...

And yet I don't want to go to bed just yet.

I struggled with myself on weather or not to go into emo writing mode.....it wouldn't necessarly be EMO writings....it'd just be the stray thoughts linked together like days of old.

I ponderd putting it on the xanga...but as the entrys slowly turn to the long essays of 8th grade I decided that perhaps the wonderful teenage populace isn't quite ready for all of my silly thoughts quite yet.

And then I thought "Heck, the other one is mostly private, if you can't be dumb on your own blog then where can you?"

So here I am, and this is my life on Decemeber 30th 2006

****

Tonight I witnessed several friendships fall apart, was told I make her question the things she believed, and decided there is no point in worrying about it all.

They took a mans life. I don't feel particurly happy, nor do I feel particurly sad....

I think I've gotten to the truth behind the freakish relationship of Derek and Kasey, just in time to sit back, eat my popcorn, and watch them kill each other.

Only, Derek won't* hit girls and Kasey has The Vadican telling her not to kill so it may be an odd struggle.

I wonder what the hell I'm doing running around town with two girls every night of break. Is this me trying to make up for past mistakes that wern't even my mistake? Is this me simply trying to become good friends and make the best of high school?

Or is this me trying to do what people tell me to do.....is this me trying to tell Jon that "Hey, Look at how much better my life is without you"

It is though....just so you all know.

Then theres the fact that there are so many exciting changes and relationships going on right now! Possibilties are opening up and its impossible for me to focus on anything else other than this hopeful future that I can create.

However I worry if I focus too much on the future and possibiltes I will miss any and all chances for them to acutlay happen...

But odly enough...I'm not that worried.

I don't know why. I look around and everyone is freaking. I guess they are just now relizing that nothing is set in stone, they won't have the comfort of this teenage life forever and holy crap, there life will get to a point where they have controle....

Its hard for me to sit and listen to them have all those doubts and thoughts. Perhaps I sturggled with all of these things early so that when it came time for some others to experence it they wouln'dt be alone like I was.

And yet instead of giving encouraging words I just think "How annoying. They don't even think out of hte box"

I'm sure they think "How annoying. She acts like she can do anything."

But....who has the ability to tell me, or you, or anyone, that they can't?


*A story not even blogger should hear.

You never understood me, becase were the same, and I don't understand myself.

What the hell did I just voulenteer for.....

Should have gone with the old people.

A point to mention

One of the important skills to obtain to be an effective person is knowning when you should let them win.

Haha

Okay, so if one were to look back a year at yesterdays entry, one would be very surprised/happy to hear that that I spent all yesterday with friends enjoying life.

Take that emo music

Oh, and I'm TOTALY ready for Christmas.

Not so difficutl decions

I hate blocking you when you think I just had to go....

But its the niceset way I can tell you to back off, stop flirting, I know you don't mean it, and your an over all perverted guy.

Yeah thats right. Not all girls are dumb.

(Eric, this is not directed at you, you parenoid dork) lol

Remorse

Okay, I felt bad that you got sad.
I felt bad you looked alone and worried
I felt bad I was a little to harsh.

I was not however crying becuase of this sin.....it dosn't change anything. I meant the things I Said....I just regert having ot say them

Becoming the character

Theres a website that hosts around 500 stories about one character.

I've read almost every single one.

There amazing reads really, some are better than any book I've ever seen....but I hate the way I feel after reading them.

They make me feel like my life now isn't right....and it should be more like the ones they show me, and I don't know why.

Connect through our fualt lines

I wish everyone in the world could get a small glimps into the lives of those around them.

All the insecuritys we have that we think are unique are things thta connect us to every other human biene in the world.

Loved

"We got in a little arugment last night"

I turn and look at her confused "What about?"

She gets shy an laughs "Well....you actualy"

I guess my look of confusion prompted her to continue "Well.....he knew you broke up with Jon and wanted to call you and talk to you about it because he said that you had talked to him....but I said that I was your big sister and i should do it"

"So you got in an arugment over which one of you would help me? You do realize i wasn't crying in my pillow right?"


"Yeah but...your our friend"

Its good to know people actualy aruge about helping you.

So heres the deal.

While trying not to cry in Algebra I just wanted to hug him and cry into his sholder because its so very comfortable.

But we never did that before anyway.

And then while waiting for H to show up to practice I See him walking across the parking lot and my instinct tells me to call him.

The cell dosn't work.

I'm not running back to him.....this are just so normal there weird and I swear, if the Asian asks me out I'm gonna be mad.

Tootles

This is harder then it looks

The Calvin Cycle

The title of this post is the Calvin Cycle for two reasons.

First, I'm working on a project in wich I shall compair Christmas cookies to the process of photosynthisis.

Second, the 'cycle' part sorta describes my life and this blog right now.

This blog was created after finding out that my AOL one that I created to get out some feelings about the then secret Jon and I, stoped working.

In fact, a lot of entrees in here are recycled from that blog, that is until it decided it was just going to randomly delete them and I would loose them to the clutches of cyber space.

But thats okay because I just needed to get it all out. I needed a place to share the frustration of living a secret.

Shortly after getting this blog I couldn't handle it anymore and made the relationship public. Then this place became a spot where I could vent about the surprisingly few times he really annoyed me or upset me.

So I probably havn't done a very good justice to him, becuase he really is a great guy who would have done anything to make me happy. We were both just inexperenced and in way over our heads.

This summer when I went away I was forced to grow up. And while in my opinion I think I act the same mostly, I also realized somthing when returning home. I was a strong girl. Jon, my previouse rock of stability and strength didn't really need to be that rock anymore.

I was my own rock, my bliefs were my rock, what I needed from Jon was simply.....A great friend so we could continue to be something more then friends.

Unfourtinitly thats really hard to explaine to a guy who for the life of him can't figure out why the heck you don't fall all over him anymore.

But I tried to explaine it, and I suppose he tried to understand, but actions were never really taken on either part and Me being the strong person I am decided to stop it.

Like I Said, he's a great guy and I was lucky to have him there with me for 2 in a half great years. There are a lot of things I regret about it, but I learned more then I could have asked for and for that I"m greatful.

So Jon, if I ever let you read this, just know that I loved you and I probably always will in a way but I needed to do this for both of us.

And NOW this blog is going to see a lot more of the new, a lot less of the dying relationship or the dying Virginia, and a lot more growth.

Excited no?

I wanted to be everything to you

Ah.

So he's NOT compeltly shut off from the world.....he CAN get mad about circumstance....he's not exactly a pained soul.....and I"m not exactly sure I want him to be......

I mean, its about freakin time he learn life sucks, but I have no idea what to tell him.

Why should someone's house burn down twice? How is that fair?

Its not, but they will make it through....They did before, they will again....it happend for a reason, God dosn't just get trigger happy.

But who am I to act like I'm the worlds expert on bad things happening? I live in a freakin bubble.....

Well, sorta anyway.

I"m way harsh on this kid.

But I guess someone has to.

I am freakin kickass at being a cold hearted jerk.

Its pretty easy to close yourself off and act jaded.

I'm kinda impressed at how distant I can be with everyone....

Sorta like a movie

GunOfTheMartyr (4:11:03 PM): I don't think the world can take too many more deadbeats like him

GunOfTheMartyr (4:11:09 PM): Regardless of the fact that he has a job

GunOfTheMartyr (4:11:11 PM): And my hoodie

Locked Doors

Last night I fought the urge to lock my self in my room and have no outside contact until I got over it.

It being the illness I seemed to have aquired that makes everyone I know mad at me.

It being the fear that people are begining to see what I've known all along and that perhaps I'm not as strong as I had convinced them.

I mean sure, this used to happen all the time, but it hadn't in so very long.

When did I become so week as to start crying when a mere two people were unhappy with me?

I used to take on armys of them.

My girl friends get on my nerves, I want to scream and take them by the sholders and ask when the freak they decided to just throw it all away.

I'm tired of being nice to suicidial people who are cowards, I want to put them in a room full of dieing people or something just as dramatic and tell them to just get over it.

You don't need to tell me thats not the problem because I know its not. I know thats not how to handle things and I know I'm whining.

I need to do something productive

Hypothetical questions and no physc degree

You know what I"m sick of?

No you don't, thats why your here. Reading this.

I'm sick of people asking me seemingly randome questions.....

Or for that matter, just making randome statements.

Like, when the one girl says she hate pregnant girls and asks if I would still talk to her if she was.

Like a fool I say sure, but it'd be weird.

She looks at me and goes "What if I am?"

Well hell. What if you are? Why are you telling me, what exactly do you want me to say? SHould have thought about that before? Yeah, that'll work.

And then when another person goes "Wouldn't if be funny if I was drunk got pulled over and said my ABC's backwards?"

Um...no, not really.

Apparently she thinks you get superpowers when your drunk, I ask her if you can fly when your like that.

So then I begin wondering what exactly got her on this track of thought and suddenly...


I'm mother hen.

"Therefore I will block her path with thornbushes;I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way.She will chase after her lovers but not catch them;she will look for them but not find them." Hosea 2:6-7

Dosn't really apply to me...but it sorta makes sense for some toher stuff going on

"Why did God curse Eve with loneliness and heartache, an emptiness that nothing would be able to fill...He did it to save her. For as we all know personally, something in Eve's heart shifted at the Fall. Something sent its roots down deep into her soul--and ours--that mistrust of God's heart, that resolution to find life on our own terms. So God has to thwart her. In love, he has to block her attempts until, woulded and aching, she turns to him and him alone for her rescue." John and Stasi Eldridge's book, Captivating pg 96

Maybe we are perfect after all

I run away.
He's never there.
Its one big friggin game of tag.

A Batman Nemisis.

Part of me rejoyces in my feministic side of freedeom, basking in the glow of having no responsiblites to any man *though I do* and not being dependent on someone who's life purpose is to make me happy.

Part of me is tired of not quite trusting people.

Part of me is inrecidlby thrilled with newfound friendships, and even more exicted with the fortification of old ones....and yet I find myself getting tired of being the venting catcher.

I'm finally intune with the world, its people, and its culture.

And now I want out, I want the next glow, theres more.

But I'm not unhappy....I'm actualy pretty satisfied.

Though its human nature to want more.

I hold Mormens in my very highest regards.

I do not know how they do it

Its so strange.

I feel so strong...so in-controle.....

I know right here and now that I can do life.

And on another unrelated note....

I'm glad that you two are friends again....

But if you keep hurting him, so help me God, the gloves are coming off.

Christians can be badass too.

I'm in one of those moods....

Does it make it any better when you adknkowladge your own foolishness?

When you accept that what your feeling isn't really how it is, or at least it probably isn't?

It dosn't really make you feel any better....so I dunno.

So hear I am, listening to sappy songs on repeate, wondering if I'm harder to be around or enjoy then others.....

A silly notion I know, I mean how could anyone get sick of me!?

Thats a joke.

The previouse entry was harsh.....harsh and exactly what I was thinking though logiclay it dosn't add up.

I want to know why I keep trying only halfwhittedly. I don't like it, I should fix it.

I know how, I just don't want to.

I am my fathers daughter I suppose.

and in an another unrelated note, its not really a knife to the heart.

Its more a dull spoon, less painful, more mess.

Wah wah wah wah

Lets complain some more.

Now shut up and do something about it.

*No ERic, this is not directed at you*

Sometimes I wish I could be like them, go to bed late, not come to school.

Blow up at people, yell scream and cry and not feel any of the consequences.

I wish I didn't care so much about certain things....

But I do, and I act the way I act because I choose to.....

I'm not too sure what I"m getting at.

I'm not bored half the time, I'm just antsy becuase I know I should be doing something else....

Everyone is so tired. I can't fix that. So I've decided to complaine instead.


I do nothing.

I was a coward.

Socitey said it wasn't cool to tattle.

I didn't.

I am too late.

Its my fault, I could have change it.....

but I didn't.

But I'm not going to run away from her now.

When the inside jokes and obnoxiouse placing of randome condoms at grocery stores becamse more then jokes, and turned into a necesasary protection that a hug and a kiss could not longer provide...

It tipped me off.

But cought up in my own stuff I egnored it.

God I was so stupid.

So....stupid.

That old song from 8th grade that at one time we all made fun of because it made us uncomfortable.

It made us think of a time too far ahead to fathom

Time caught up with us.

Heh, it always does.....

Half Bloods

"Hello?"

"Virginia? Uh....hi. How's school?"

"Um, you know, exciting as usual"

*Dad picks up*

"HELLO? HELLO?"

"Hi Dad."

"Okay, I guess I'll talk to you later."

"Have a good evening Virginia."

Click.

The longest conversation I've had in with my brother in over a year. I'll never admit it to anyone, but I miss the fact he's not actualy "my brother''

I'm mad because siblings are there for each other, and I"m mad because he's not here, he's not taking care of Dad, he's not listening to the doctors, he dosn't have to live with the confusion and the yelling.

Isn't that man his father too?

I guess half of my envys him. Half of me wants to be away from all of it, wants to be able to just pretend I can put all of it behind me....

My brother isn't a coward. He's not running away from anything....I don't think. He's a grown boy, he has his own life, his own kids. He's a father now too.

But I need him.

Dammit, you take stupid stuff like fixing a sink for granit when you have someone around who can. You take getting the Christmas decorations down when a guys up there handing them too you.

Is he mad at him? Is he mad that he couldn't make it with his mom and broke up his family?

I would be too I guess.

Does he hate me? Does he look at me and think how weird it is that I'm apart of him and yet I never knew him?

Because thast kinda what I think when I look at him, you know, on those rare chances that I get the chance too.

Blah on hormones. :(

What’s another word for thesaurus?

Boys

are dumb

Only matched by their counterparts,

The female.

Random Things On the Mind

Special K

Straight Hair

Thin Crust Pizza

The Test of Time

My song on the radio, for all to hear and steel

Blue Jeans.

ADD

God

And apple pie

The Black Widow is a Widow for a Reason

Hm.

Fasinating case study really.

You see, the black widow is a solitary creature, doomed to a life of lonilness and heart ach.

And that goes for both parties.

Both parties you ask? Why yes, didn't you know? A spiders sole pupose in life is to reproduce, thus, a second someone must become intangeled in the web sometime.

Its common science people.

What I do not understand, is why the Widow egnores the other, uses him for her sole purpose, then egnores him.

Then she'll announce he's been most important all along.

Confusing, her actions made it seem as though SHE was most important.

But then again, a widows always a widow

Late night excritions

we go to a concert.

I see him

He's a great guy.

Some random girl calls him a fag.

In the car they ask me if he really is.

my first response is to say "of course he isn't!''

because in my opinion, no one is

Even if he were gay

no one should call you that

I think I changed.

I can't pretend to enjoy spirital dancing anymore.

No, your fancy handmovements to emtional songs does not move nor make my relationship with God grow.

My boyfriend just invited me to the state fair to watch him do the thing I most despise.

Carpet is far more awesome then I gave it credit for

I miss Maya.

I'm trying, but its hard.

My life is a frictionless universe

Its 4 a.m and I'm sobbing while haivng an conversation via IM with Kristi

I'm rambeling, and she dosn't know what to say but its okay becasue all I really want is to know that someone else is alive.

And while one part of me wants to talk about all her issues and why I think its wrong to make out with every guy in the world, another part of me just wants to let it all slide so I can have my friend back.

Its sunday, but somehow I think I'm going to let it slide.

I'm so completly terrified.

Remember this

I'm never going to metion it again.

Not in passing

Not on a journal.

not in a blog

Not in a conversation

I'm never going to talk about it again. Call in denial, call it moving on, but I'm done.

I wonder how often people at youth groups at church actualy deal with the kids trying to kill themselves, or cutting themselves, or just hating themselves.

HOw long is it before they give up on them?

Ug...

I was going to rant in here.

Was going to freak out.

was going to go into some crazy hormonial spillage

But instead I told a friend

This is shallow...

Over the past 2 days I"ve relized how shallow and superficial I am...


I don't judge others on their looks...mostly just myself. And at the moment, I look hidiouse.

These burns hae scared my back, creating blisteres that look like slugs and brining about the impossibilities of even attempting to do my hair...

I'm lucky I got a shirt on this morning, sadly, its my XL softball jersey that I can't wear out into public.

The burn cream has turned dark gray...so I look dirty, and sticky.

I can't bare to be around a merror.

I don't know what I'm going to tell Jon.

I'm too embaressed to tell him the deatils, he didn't seem to care last night anyway, he thought it was grosse, and it wasn't even too bad then.

I don't want him to have more reasons to think I'm groose and icky.

I've noticed he's differn't when were around a girl thats pretty...I guess I can't really blame him. I think guys are cute, I suppose he gets the same right.

Time Warp

I'm so incredibly tired.

I slept for 10 hours today, and almost fell asleep on my desk, and yet on the days I get up at 6 I'm just peechy.

Life is funny

Hello Old Friend

Its 3 a.m, Lea would say its 2 a.m real time.

Thank you Daylights savings. ;)

I just thought I'd stop by and see how you all were.

Goodmorning

Loose Lips Sink Ships.

Boys with gutairs need to learn not to stair at hte girl they like while playing as they will make jealouse another girl who likes him and I have to hear about it all night.

Which is fine really, makes me feel like one of the gang.

I just hope were not all getting in over our heads. I hope he's not mostly, but the others won't come out unscared either.

This is a night to be talked about.

Perspective

His grandfather is dieing.

He's about to experence things he's never experenced, have to deal with a crazy time in his life that is painful for everyone.

All this time I've stressed about a silly birthday.

This is one thing I'm not going to regret. I'm going to be there for him. I'm not going to be shy and passive.

I'm going to do everything for him I wish he would have done for me.

And yet I still...

Over the past week, he has caused me to feel inferior.

He caused me fail an English assignment

He didn't tell me he wasn't coming that morning.

He didn't take the hint I need to talk.

And most importantly, he kept me from my stuffed pasta shells.

But I still love him.

Even if he does take my shells.

Thats the point

It is my belief that there is a point in the chaning of a mental attitude in which you don't really understand anyone, or anything.

This point hopefully only lasts a small amount of time, but a time in which everyone and everything seems to be acting differntly then you think they should. You can no longer predict their reponses, and it becomes tediouse to speak to others.

The point is necessary in order to reach the better destenation that will improve yourself, but in the meantime you find yourself question just what that destenation is.

It is my belief that that is what makes this point so very dangerouse.

What if you chooose the wrong destination? What if you simply decide to stay up in this confusion for everyone? What if you have to sacrafice something your not sure you can do without?

What if its nothing more then a small amount of teeange angst with reason behind it?

What if its not angst at all, but a drive to change, an instinct to do better, to act differntly.

And I don't know why this point has to exist, it dosn't make sense to me, but somehow, I know that its necessary for the end.

Backing up for some needed observation

We'll talk, and he'll set off a trigger somewhere in me that gets me more annyoed then should be possible, then we begin the slight bickering and I become insulted and frustrated...

Then, I'll step back and look at what I'm doing.

What I'm acting like is someone who is impatient, rude, unkind, unloving, selfish, and a jerk.

Its something that I struggle with constantly. It might be that for so long I kept all of those annoyances inside until one day the boiled over and I havn't kept them in check sense, or it could be that I am truly all the things listed above.

Either way, its something I can work with, work thourgh, and hopefully prevent.

Its something I'm going to have to prevent, because these 'triggers' arn't bad things. There completly normal everyday things, things he should have to withold, things I should responde to with empathy and love.

Not utter annoyance at at the way he approaches them.

Yeah, I can twist thoughts and emotions to make my pet peeves sound like completly justifyable things. I can turn him into some sort of looser/jerk/monster, but thats just not hte truth.

I want to stop being so hard on him and myself, I want to grow up and finaly stop letting stupid things like a workshop ruine my mind for a month before it even occures.

In one sense, its an event that gets all my closests friends out of the school the day before my birthday, on the week where I won't see J at all praticly, and I'll be eating lunch alone dealing with the fact they didn't think I was good enough to go while the jocks with no brain we're chosen.

On the other hand, maybe they we're chosen and I wasn't becuase I've already had so many amazing opratunities. Maybe I"m stuck in school alone to branch out to others and actualy be an example while all the 'real' leaders are away. Maybe the jocks are going because they DO influence a lot of people. This is 1 day I'm not going to remember 20years from now. I'm not going, and thats what God wants, and its what I should want too.

I have never been more embarressed in my entire life

Archive searching

We call this kid Sunshine, becuase it bugs him, and he's just that cool...

But this conversation you see, was the end. It was the last in a long list of really deep conversations that changed this kid, the weird acne guy sitting next to me in Social Studies made one of the biggest impacts on my life when he randomely im'd me.

He's the most confusing man in the world.

He's the only guy who I can relate to sometimes, and the guy I spent a good deal of time loathing.

He's the only guy who cared enough to ask me about my grandmother, to ask me enough if I was going ot be okay after a major melt down, and the only guy to offer me a person to yell and scream at who he wouldn't judge or think low on

Yet, he's the only person who's ever lied so blantetly, the only person I know to be so egnorant and so moody. The guy with the biggest anger problem in the world, and the most hypocretical man.

Though he'll chew your head off if you say that. But he won't hit you, dos'nt hit girls.

Sunshine:I SEEM TO UNCONCIOUSLY THINK THE WORLD REVOLVES AROUND ME!!!

SS: I KNOW IT DOESN'T BUT I CAN'T STOP IT!!!!

Me: Its okay.

SS:I'm incapable of having those conversations anymore.

MeI know it dosn't seem like it, but it's okay.

Me: I think I am too.

Me:But do you remember them?

Me:They were awesome.

SS:Yeah I do.

SS:But that can't happen anymore.

SS:Trust me, very few people want to know what's going on in my head.

SS:It's a damn warzone in there.


Me: I know I don't know.

Me:Thats what I ment to say.

Me: I'm sorry.

SS:You wanna know one of my deepest darkest secrets?

SS:ONe that will warp any human being's perception of me.

Me): Do you want to tell me?

Me: Becasue if you do, I'll listen.

SS:Well, anyway, I have to finish this paper.

SS:No, I don't want to tell you.

SS:I don't want to tell anyone.

Me: Fair enough.

SS:I just want it t go away.

SS:I need to go.

Me: Okay.

Me:Bye

SS:Finish my paper with Red Bull in hand.

Me: Thats the only way to do it

Sunshine): I need you to do something for me.

SS:Forget this conversation.

SS:For your sake and mine.

The scary thing?
I did forget.

The nonexistant what ifs that save us all

I, Virginia Clara Mills, was just over come with the sudden urge to run away....

Not because I want to leave something abusive behind. Not becuase I'm tired of it here....I'm just ready for something else.

At the moment, those complete lifestyle changes that usualy terrify me have now become the thoughts tugging in the back of my mind, what if I droped it all, and started over?

I suppose its easy to think such thoughts when its late at night and your dreading a Monday, but at the moment I think something inside of me is broken......

The part of you that tells you about consequences.

Hehe, its a good thing theres no such thing as what if.

Traffic Violations and Favorite Songs

I, am a happy girl.

And it typical girly fashion, I havn't hte slightest clue as to why. Perhaps if we could exame this feeling more closely, we could feel the emotional bliss more often.

However, what would become of the world if the streets we're constantly croweded with young and old singing and dancing in the rain?

One big traffic violation I say.

Its a feeling that is merly agumented by your favorite song playing just perfectly on your speakers and talking to a great friend.

Your only wish in the world is that you could be with that person to share in your excitment together. Perhaps do something crazy, just crazy enough to keep the thrill up.

Knowing you've changed, for the better, knowing that your loved by so many, knowing that you can help others get where you are...

Well, its much more pratical then dancing in the street, and much less dangerouse.

Something odd

I just realized something.

I have no natural sense of time anymore,

I'm on his clock, and when he's not around, time dosn't exist.

This is our anthem

Four years ago I was at a friend's cousins house for a week, in his cockyness he was showing us all his fancy stero system and playing the 'newest' songs.

And that was the first time I ever heard "Jesus Freak" by DC Talk.

DC Talk broke up soon after that, and I never really sought any more of their music, but I think it would be very accurate to say that "Jesus Freak" was the first contemporay Christian rock song I had ever heard...and liked.

It was my first introduction to a type of music that could sing about God, but not seem like wusses, who could apply today's world in the music, and still be true to their faith.

Last night at Winter Jam, a giant Christian Venue, Toby Mac *An old member of DC Talk* sang the chorus to that song.

Now, the cool thing about Winter Jam for me, *Other then getting my jacket signed my Hawk Nelson* was sitting in the 'cheap seats'

Whats cool about the cheap seats you ask? Well, a lot of things.

First of all, I had seen all these bands before, recently in fact, so standing out in front would be awesome, but unnecessary.

Second of all, they didn't have a back to the stage area, so you we're able to watch the bands set up and walk around backstage, and watch the band who was performing onstage, meaning you got to see them longer and closer up then the people out in front anyway.

Thirdly, it was absolutly awesome to watch the people being effected by what was going on around them. From where we we're at it was possible to see the Newsboys do their thing and the crowd reacte to it.

Some incredible stuff happened that night.

When the Jesus freaks get together and sit in the cheap seats.

Battles are won with numbers, yet the world was saved by one

Amen.

Amen.

Amen

That word is so incredible...Just look at it, say it over and over in your mind, repeating it slowly until you fully grasp what your saying...

You can't...but thats okay, keep on trying.

As I stood there singing a hyme I've song all my life, I was able to just focus on that one word, and I realized something....

Notice how similar it is to "A man"

A man....Amen.....that sound, those lights, the joy and the pain, all wrapped into one thing. Him.

You take your hopes, your fears, your please, wrap them up, break down in humilation, shout them out in pride, or sing with joy, and end it with a simple "Amen"

Your prayer, your heart, your longing to be forgivin, sometimes for reasons unknown to you.

And yet there would be no point to prayer, no reason to beg, if it wern't for A Man. If it wern't for Jesus.

The guilt in your sole, the longing in your heart, the fear in your eyes, the hope you hold within you...You'd be stuck with it if it were not for The Man.

He is the ONLY way you can get through life, and death. He is the ONLY reason you don't give up right now and be better for it.

When you look around you and wonder if its all worth it, and you sit in the darkness of your room and cry because you just can't see how its going to get anybetter, He is the one who tells you its going to be okay, He is the one who shows you how to keep going.

It only took A single Man to save us all....it only takes one person to show someone some love, it only takes one simle to show your a friend...

One cross to save the world.

Amen

Accusing the Angels

I didn't cry until he told me I shouldn't be "freakin sorry'

Up until that point, I didn't know what I was doing, I didn't feel like I should be doing it, and I knew for a fact it wasn't going to be pretty.

And yet, like the rash person I am, I rushed in and made a mess of things before even thinking what I should have said, what my approach should have been, who I should have consulted.

I for got to as Him, what I should do. Thought it over in my brain, it seemed logical...

And the problem has suddenly turned into one of truth, one that actualy makes sense. He's relating, and I'm sobbing, and I can't tell if we are regreesing or progressing.

Thats never a good sign.

We've completly swiched gears. I don't know my position in this matter any longer, I lost that long ago.

One moment I"m preaching to PB, next moment I'm apolgizing for being harsh, and the next I'm besides myself with confusion.


And now, the fall out.

I have completly and tototaly torn this boy down. Everything is out in the open, I don't know if he's putting on a face, but he seems to...

Agree.

The lie they all tell us

Is it true that all these teenage horomones and mood swings will infact, go away when we are no longer teenagers?

When I turn 20 will everything suddenly become less....touchy feeling, no explainalbe reason for acting irrationaly?

Or will I simply eat too much cake?

Do you believe in magic? Or is it simply an act of God?

Today, as you may have noticed, started out bad.

But Kristi just made my year.

Kristi just made my life.

I began only recently to see changes in my life due to God, now its as though its a giant game of telephone.

The girl who only lived for fun just said she realized that somethings wrong with her life, and that Gods the only way to fix it.

She wants to find out who she is, she wants to think about what she stands for.

She wants to try.

Its such an amazing feeling to know that maybe, for once, you didn't hesitate. And maybe for once, you jumped in at the right time. And maybe, for once, you finally didn't screw things up, you never regretted your decision, and GOOD came from it.

The best part?

I had almost nothing to do with it. :)

I have a feeling her mother also noticed something....I feel this way becuase her mother actualy called me, and asked quite frankly "What Did Kristi do with W?"

So, I told the truth. :) And so did Kristi. Thers nothing like compatible stories for mommies.

She came up with this conclusion all by her self, I may have started the initial....frustration *For lack of better word* But I realized that in this particular case I had said all that could be said from my point, and the thing left was example.

Eric might have spoken to her, and the dreaded health teachers lesson plan might have had 'devine timing' but she did it on her own

Ladies and Gentelmen, I faild a Geomotry test today. But I saw a teenage girl re-evaluate herself for the good of her soul.

Thats better then a high GPA any day.



J was at youth group. ;)

Boredem, lazyness, and other horrible things you should never feel in school

A question came to me just a moment ago, "Can bordem make you do things you know you don't want to do?"

Well, that was a very poor test question, because the answer is possibily the simpilist one I"ve seen in a long time.

Yes. Absolutly. No doubt. Positive.

And so our next question is....Can it force you to see things you would have avoided otherwise?

Just a moment ago, I accused someone of seeing me as lazy, and dishonost.

And someone had! Only, it was not them that had called me out and said the things I feared most.

It was my thoughts.

And the fact my day sucked, and the fact I wasted oppratunites, and the fact I could be so much better and I will be so much better...

But striving really sucks.

And working hard is really...well, hard.

But when your thoughts come back to kick oyu in the butt, you gotta start doing some stuff

Tonight we're graced by two displays of character...The gun slinger extrodenar, a walking contradiction

Not to sound persumptusouse, but calling out Preacher Boy on 'religion' is more....Fascinating, then it probably should be.

PB likes to explain how he felt like the only Christian in the school, and yet he never bothered to actualy act like one and go searching.

He reads the Bible every day, goes to Church every Sunday, and preaches about the spirit and philosophy, and yet he doesn't understand forgiveness.

PB is PB for a reason you know. He wasn't always that way. He used to be more of a.....well, regualar guy. And just like a regular guy, he did some bad stuff, stuff he shouldn't have done, but he did. And there's no going back.

Well, PB knows he's religiouse, I"m not going to aruge that. And PB knows the Bible far more then I do, and yet I also know that you can't speak of being 'worse' the others becuase of your mistakes and truly understand forgiveness.

PB is a very faithful follower, but he sucks at fishing.

Fishing for men, that is. Which is what we are all called to do. Its not that he dosn't have the mannorisms of a Christian, its not that he's hypocretical, but he's got two major problems.

1. He assumes far too much, and most of its wrong.

2. If he does break through, its almost intirly impossible to relate to him.

The latter I learned on my own. The first being I felt like a complete screw up around him until I got to know him, and he told me some of his secrets, and then he took it upon himself to make himself look like the worse person on the planet.

Making me feel like everything I had ever felt bad about doing was stupid and silly.

I don't think you can measure our wrong doings against one another, but the differnce between PB and I, even though we have both grown and changed for the better, is this.

I know I truly am I horrible person, but that I am still loved by God, and I am forgive by him, which gives me the power to humble myself enough to know that I can relate to other through my experences, yet still know that I am a good person.

PB knows that he is a horrible person, and he knows God has forgiven him, and yet he continues to act as though he is the one bad apple amoung men.

This isolates him, and fills him with what I consider to be faulse consences of man.

Perhaps PB will soon realize that that book he carries around about that guy who died is for everyone, including him.

The popular not quite needed yet absoultly necessary intervention

She says she's living for fun.

Dosn't look like a lot of fun to me.

She says she left in the middle of the show to go talk about her feelings in the restroom with Addie. I was invited, I'm not disapointed I declined to go.

She says she wanted to cry in that restroom.

I asked her why she felt like she needed to cry....she said she was having a moment.

I asked her why she couldn't have the moment in front of everyone right there on that flower prtined couch that smelled like old cheetoes.

She is after all 'happy' right? That means she should be able to show her true feelings to her everyone right? She shouldn't take refuge in the bathroom just to let it all out.

Last week, I might have let it all slide. I might have thought "Hey, your life, do what feels right"

But this week I'm a differnt person, and I can't talk how I talk, act as I do, and sit by silently while she slowly looses herself.

Reforme was necessary absoulty impartive for me.....that involved a lot of bad choices, a lot of apathy, and a lot of misery.

But then again, maybe it took me longer then necessary to realize that I was empty, longer to realize that was why I could put on such happy face during the day I'd forget I hated myself, but it came off and night and I was kept up by sheer slef loathing.

Maybe if I had someone there, who had just asked me that question, things would have been differnt.

So, even though she says I'm hurting her feelings, and I AM in fact, being deadly blunt, I don't regret it.

Because if it hurt her feelings....she's thinking about what I said. And at hte moment, thats all I can ask.

The popular intervetion for not quite a problem

Is it better to let mistakes be made, or interveen before it becomes to late and they realize they've lost all reason to live?

Last week I would have felt I should simply mind my own bussness and stick around for the after schock of it all.

And yet today I felt as though I couldn't say what I say, act as I do, and simply egnore the thought processing of a friend that was once so close to my own mind.

Now....while I think I've come out of that better then before, and that hte reform HAD to have happend for me, I did have faith through all of that.

I knew why I SHOULD be living....I just wasn't.

However, when I asked her if she noticed how sad she was all the time, and how she had changed so much recently, she said yes.

And when I asked her why she was alive, she said "To have fun"

Only...to me...it dosn't look like she's having very much fun. To me, it looks like she's slowly forgetting that you can in fact, act like yourself around people. You don't have to leav in the middle of a show to go cry in the bathroom.

Either cry on that flower printed couch for all to see, or reevaluate why you feel the need the need to cry in the first place.

Perhaps then you'll find the emptyness around you, the fakeness of it all, and the people there who will be there no matter what.

And perhaps I'm simply sturring things up, and perhaps I'll have three angry teenage girls out for blood tomorrow at my door step....

But I don't regret what I have said, because I took a risk for God, meaning its all worth it.

More to ensure,

My computer applications is baffled by my responsese to "Things I Strive to be"

Apparently "Less, and then more" is a bit to phisopical for my cat loving prefessor.

Its all coming to gether.

Sleep is once again, welcome. Becuase the hope of the morning shines on it.

I may give up, but I'm not quitter

So, I gave up trying to live my life.

And decided to live God's life FOR me instead

And for the first time in half a year I feel as though I have truly done the right thing, I feel as though now I can grow and become less and so much more all at the same time.

But if I ever turn into one of those persons who write long passages just throwing out bible sayings left and right, please alert me so I can get back in touch with reality?

M'kay.

Merry Monday Everyone

The Truth and the agonizing pain that go hand in hand

J: Not really... The whole point was to pretty much just to fellowship. Like, I know when I first came I felt like the only big Christian there other than Josh (Though I knew that wasn't true, that didn't matter because I didn't know any.)

J: Then I started hanging out with her and it was fun to hang out with people who didn't act like typical school kids. =P

J: So it'd pretty much be so you could get to know other Christians you didn't know existed.


....I was right next to him, that whole time.....

The person who is supposed to know me better then anyone else in the world, didn't include me in major Christians he knew.

It hurt more then anything else.

It was as if he took a knife and cut the stiches that were holding kept my eyes from seeing just how messed up I've become.

Then Eric brought up a good point. J didn't say anything, it was God using him to get a point acrosse to me that I have got to start making some changes.

I speak of corruption in chruches, I speak of Christians spending time in prayer groups instead of going out and spreading the Word, I critize everyone and everything.

Yet where am I sunday morning?

Sleeping in.

I feel as though this was a calling, a "Hey Genny, you need to get your act together becuase I've got plans for you" kinda thing.

It excites me so much to know that I will be used for something more then what I'm doing, or saying that other people sould do.

It bothers me that J dosn't seem to think I love God as much as I do, but most of all, it bothers me why I care so much! I should be completly selfless to God, and when God decides its time J know that, that J will know it.

And I'm not talking, "I told ya so" I'm talking a turn around, a 180, where people will begin looing at me and thinking "You know...somethings weird about that girl"

Because, yes, I'm nice to everyone, no, I never judge anyone, yes, I'll let you borrow anything I have you might need, but thats still not enough to show people the love of God.

Neither is runnig about walking up to people you bad mouth and then going to church sunday.

Its this crazy thing really.

You've got religion? Well...er.....thats not really impressive. Sorry.

You've got a RELATIONSHIP? Well then thats another story! Congrats! I"m sure your just as excited as I am to take it to the next level with God, perhaps, even, dare I say....outside the CHURCH!?!

And maybe you know, I might actualy take my relationship with God INSIDE the church.

Wow. Things are getting crazy.