Patterns

This Holiday season my grandfather has remineded me quite a few times where we were last Christmas, and how differnt things are now.

Last Christmas my grandmother was dieing, things wern't good, Christmas came and I was alone while they were at the hospital, I actualy attempted to make a holiday video, I thought it would be nice for them.

I never got it done, they were never home to be filmed.

But I had a happy Christmas, and I don't regret having had a seemling unhappy holiday.

However, what he seems to be forgetting is that the year before that she was also in the hospital, and I was once again alone.

I mentiond this to him, but he didn't say anyhing on the subject.

I suppose I don't understand.

This year almost did the same thing, my Dad almost died, but somehow he didn't, and he'll be here this Christmas.

Maybe I won't be alone.

In other news, I'm actualy in good spirits today, I've had a good week, yet some...odd things have been happening.

I'm not quite sure if its the politicly correct term....but I think I was sexualy haressed.

Theres a guy named Jeff. Jeff likes to give me hugs, and grab my hand, and joke about having camras in my house seeing me nakid.....

He uses humor to pass it off, it always was annoying, but I figured he was just an annoying guy, people would of been angry if I had told on him.

But Tuesday, he freaked me out. Eric, who J has now appointed as my body gard when Jeff is around and he is not, was walking with me when Jeff came up and grabbed my butt, when I moved to the other side of Eric and began to take my seat Jeff physical shoved Eric out of the way and sat next to me.

I was blocked on both sides and the convication was starting so moving was not an option.

Jeff began to rub my leg with his hand.

Then he put his arm around me, I shrugged him off and curled into a ball in my seat.

He continued to touch me.

Then a teacher sat down near by so he stoped, when it was over I bolted.

Kristi tried to stop me but for some reason Jeffs harmelss teasings just freaked me out that day. Worst of all I could find J anywhere.

And I was late to class.

So running up the stairs trying to get to my locker I he runs into me again, he's excuse for touching me is because he wants to see J get mad and hit him. I don't think he relizes J wouldn't do that.

Or I thought.

I made some sarcastic comment and turned a corner, someone poked me and I jumped thinking it was Jeff.

It was J.

That darn guy knows me better for what I give him credit for because by lunch he had figured out that Jeff had done something or other, and apparently his body gard wasn't sufficent.

I didn't want to tell him though. I wanted him to know, just...I felt asahmed telling him.

And yet, he found out.

And got mad.

Really mad.

So I guess your wondering why I'm happy?

I suppose its because when I felt really helpless and pathetic, I had good friends willing to hit a stupid pervert and get in trouble for me.

I guess you could say I feel loved.

12 a.m indirect pep talks

"Live to your fullest, laugh, hang in there, and believe that you're not half as bad as you believe you are... ...because the truth is, you're more like a fourth of all that"-Eric

He posted it on his blog for all to see, but really, it was directed at me.

Karma? Or a poetic chain of events?

Today...today showed me something about God's plan, and how he puts people into your life to make it crazy and remarkable unpredictable in that nice, reliabe way.

I wake up, do my thing, and somehwere along the line end up talking to J.

He wants to make plans to do something, well....Hesistant is the way I act.

Its not so much that he's not reliable, more to the effect we both have horrible luck, and that yeah....

He's not reliable.

Not so much to his own fault, just....there was a time he missed half a movie becuase he was asleep, at home. And way too many times he hasn't been there at schoolf becuase he's slept in or forgotten to set his alarm.

Then there are the few times when he makes me proimse to do something with him, only to completly dissapear on the said date.

This. This was one of those days.

However, Krisit interupted J's plan of leaving me alone by making a self inforced decision to put of Christmas decorations.

Lord Bless that Child.

We hit this house like a hurricane, my tree looks Santa threw up all his Christmas cheer, but its the memories that matter right?

Hehe, yeah. Lets go with that.

J dosn't how his head until 9o'clock, 15mins after Kristi has left for the evening.

He explains how he forgot that he had to put of Christmas Decorations and such and that he had forgotten about his prior comitmet.

Not to sound totaly self exorbed, I'm going to clarifiy something.

Thats completly fine with me! Honostly it is. Its just, what if I HAD sat doing nothing all day becuase I THOUGHT he was going to call me?

The issue of unrealiablidy is becoming tediuse.

Pleasent, if not lacking converstaiont continues until 10:10, when we get to the issue of his increidlby picky eating.

With one simple snide remark on my part, he hangs up.

Well....not quite. He did say Good Bye, but I didn't think he'd actualy hang up.

But he did, and that shocked me, and made me question things, becuase I wasn't sure if it was in jest or not.

So, I went to the person who I always go to when I have a question.

Eric.

The guy manages to actualy make me laugh, and then goes off to play a video game, telling me he'll probably talk to me later tonight....

Which makes me reconsider my decision to go to bed.....

Which menas I'm still on the internet when J loggs on.

However, that conversation is quicly being consumed with my inablity to stand him at the moment, so that might just be another crash and burn to add to the calander.

Thanksgiving!

Thanksgiving has come and gone, and I must say it was better then expected.

I think a few friens are coming over today or tomorrow to help get Christmas stuff out of hte attac becuase we can't do it ourselves

We'll see how that goes....

Wish me luck!

Thanksgiving

Well...its thanksgiving...and I've almost broken into tears on many seperate occasions today.

But so far, I havn't. So were good.

The dinners pretty much a disaster, my moms depressed, my dad feels usless, they both have a right.

And I'm just here.

Its all crashing down, and we're just here. But in other news I've found hope in the fact that I know that in the long run a simple thanksgiving disaster is minuit and God will get us all through.

Dear Lord

I need to stop pretending to be happy
Who am I fooling anyway?

I guess thats the problem, I've become merly an actor of life, not living no longer feeling.

Just acting, going through the motions perfectlyt content until I sit alone in stillness for a moment.

Thats all it takes to relize that all I am is made up around this fakness I've allowed myself to fall into in order to conform to my idea of someones elses idea of perfect.

And God, I need you to help me break it.

I can't, I'm too afraid they'll think me worthless, think me pathetic and uselss and unneeded.

And I need to be needed.

But right now, now I'm just not me, and I know thats not good, so I need your help to be brave.

Because it dosn't matter if I don't have my Bible the one time Laura needs it.

It dosn't matter if Jon goes to church more often then I do.

It dosn't matter if I don't get along with every person in my youth group.

Just because I had to ask for help dosn't mean I'm helpless.

I AM a good person! I will not let my own ideas of the perfect human get in the way of that.

I'm NOT perfect, but I'm not a failure just because I can't do half the things other people can do, or because I don't have the 'religiouse record' they all boast of.

I DO love God, I'd like to THINK I act like I do, I'd like to think my actions show that, and I'd like to think that maybe someday, I'll be able to accept that.

Well...who knows until its been written

So, Its raining outside, but what amazes me is the true blankness of the sky.

No color at all, not even gray.

Its white, like on a December day, with snow on the ground an no worries anywhere becasue your outside laying in the snow, and your cold but it dosn't really matter because the very snow that is making you cold is keeping you warm.

And I still can't pass a freakin Geomotry test.

My new picture cell phone dosn't make me feel so alone when I'm in my room at 2a.m not sleeping.

Is that sad?

He saved the day

Me: I'll talk to you later
Me: bye
Eric: by the way...
Eric: have i ever told you how insanely cool you are?
Eric: lol
Me: lol...no
Eric: well, you are
Eric: and i'm glad to have you as a friend
Me: lol thanks
Me: You too.
Me: Same.
Eric: you're a lot cooler then most people
Eric: and 5,000 times more mature
Me: Haha, well, thank you.
Eric: plus the whole God thing gives you some bonus points
Eric: lol
Me: But you can't write off everyone just because I'm insainely awesome ;-)
Me: Haha, yeah, hard to loose when he's on your side
Eric: I'll try not to hate humanity too much, but i dunno, you're pretty cool
Eric: lol
Me: Aw, that means a lot coming from you.
Eric: haha
Me: Your really awesome also
Eric: Oh i know you dont need to tell me
Eric: lol
Eric: lol
Eric: just kidding
Eric: Thanks



So, maybe I'm not uesless.

Just maybe.

:)

In the blissfull words of Derek, SSDD

SSDD.

If your not a lazy bum, and you type out what you mean, you might not know what that stands for.

Same Stuff, Differntt Day.

And sadly enough, that ususaly sums it up when people ask you whats going on in life.

Its pretty pathetic, but its difficult to do anything about it.

Homework has gotten ahead of me and I suddenly find myself locked ina death trap that is sure to lead to my demise.

Really.

Especialyl geomotry.

First of all, I hate to do this, but I must say, a lot of my not knowing what the hell I'm doing has to do with the fact I spent two weeks spending every spair moment at the hospital with my dad.

As apposed to doing homework

but I mean I did it! I jsut didn't focus on it

And now, when we are building upon those basics, I find myself lost, confused, and frustrated.

But now I'm thinking maybe I'm blaming all my problems on Geomotry, when really, there just my problems. Not school's, not Jon's, not anyone else's but mine.

In fact, I know that

But now I've confused my self, and my head hurts, and I'm complelty usless until....

Actualy, I think I"m just completly useless

The most deadly of them all

Its a fact, 80 percent of all deaths to teenagers are caused by boredem.

And I"m on the verge of making that 80

Eurika!

I've got it people.

Yeah, you know what I mean.

I've descovered something, something big, something that could/will change my life.

You CAN be happy.

Hah, an epifiny I know.

But as I look around and see my friends and my not so friends collaspe into chaos and misery, I notice there feelings of being sucked into a black hole only rival their feelings to give up.

And I"ll admit to it, I've given up way to many times in this blog. I'll come right out and say it.

I've done stuff to deal with feeling sad, stuff I knew was wrong, and I DIDN"T WANT TO STOP>

I WANTED to feel sad, I wanted to stay up until 4 in the morning crying and feeling alone.

It made me feel differnt, it made me feel like I was standing out by keeping to myself.

THEY didn't know I was unique, but I did.

But now I've figured it out. Being sad and depressed dosn't make you differnt from the masses, it dosn't make you specail or unique or anything of the sort.

It just makes you depressed.

But being happy!? Looking past all thats utterly wrong and confused even when everything seems to be going wrong, keeping in mind that you WILL survive and you WILL overcome because you ARE strong.

Thats what makes you special.

Well...I guess this is how it goes

First things first, I don't feel very good.

Mind you, I've felt worse, far worse. I'm not dieng, and if I had any reason to I'd be perfectly fine not even mention this so I could do more fun things going on in my life.

Well, there arn't really fun things going on in my life, so I figure what the heck.

And you know, that could be a good thing. Means I can stay in bed all day long and have people ask very few questions.

If you know, I did that sort of thing.

The only way I can get up in the morning is by promising myself that I can go to sleep when I come home. And I very well could, no ones stopping me.

But then therse not really any point to that now is there?

Did I mention I've got cramps from hell?

Yep.

Perhaps if I didn't have a horrible headach, and it didn't hurt to open my eyes, then I might be able to form a coherent thought that would intrest you and give you indepth insight into my feelings and my life.

But I do, and I can't.

So there. *sticks out toung*

Actualy, I am doing something. I'm trying despretly to tell myself that theres nothing wrong and that I have no reason to be sad/moody/depressed/unhappy.

Its quite a timly task.

You know that feeling you get right before something big, unknown and completly unexpected changes your life?

Yeah well I didn't get one of those last time something happend, but I'm deffinitly getting one this time.

Also, I don't know what this has to do with anything, but my feet have more vains in them then an old lady has in her whole body.