Dear Lord

I need to stop pretending to be happy
Who am I fooling anyway?

I guess thats the problem, I've become merly an actor of life, not living no longer feeling.

Just acting, going through the motions perfectlyt content until I sit alone in stillness for a moment.

Thats all it takes to relize that all I am is made up around this fakness I've allowed myself to fall into in order to conform to my idea of someones elses idea of perfect.

And God, I need you to help me break it.

I can't, I'm too afraid they'll think me worthless, think me pathetic and uselss and unneeded.

And I need to be needed.

But right now, now I'm just not me, and I know thats not good, so I need your help to be brave.

Because it dosn't matter if I don't have my Bible the one time Laura needs it.

It dosn't matter if Jon goes to church more often then I do.

It dosn't matter if I don't get along with every person in my youth group.

Just because I had to ask for help dosn't mean I'm helpless.

I AM a good person! I will not let my own ideas of the perfect human get in the way of that.

I'm NOT perfect, but I'm not a failure just because I can't do half the things other people can do, or because I don't have the 'religiouse record' they all boast of.

I DO love God, I'd like to THINK I act like I do, I'd like to think my actions show that, and I'd like to think that maybe someday, I'll be able to accept that.