This isn't what I planned on

"You know, I'm not sure if I'm going to heaven"

These words didn't come as quite as a shock as you might expect, but still they wern't what I particurly wanted to talk about for the seemly pleasent sunday lunch.

I just played with my buscuit until I said the only thing I knew.

"Why?"

He was silent for a quite a while, taking a bite of his food, then picking up his napkin, whiping his chin that didn't need whiping and rubbing his nose that actualy did. Then he did it again.

"There were times I stayed in a fox whole when I could of gone out and saved someones life..." He started to cry, not entirly unusual, he does that a lot lately, but I'm not sure I'll get all together used to it.

"Or at least, I could of tired"

And this is when my mind starts to scream I DID NOT AGREE TO THIS! I just wanted to eat left overs, yet here I am talking about the unknown with an 82 year old vetrin.

And a math teacher, but thats anotehr story.

I did'nt know what to say, and I still don't....I did not think Red Lobster was the place to talk about eternal salvation, nor do I particurly think I'm one who should talk to him about it.

But now I'm thinking that anywhere is fine, and that next time I better get used to being the one.

Even if it is in Red Lobster.

Times elaspe

Subject: My gloriouse October 28

Time: 8:45:00 PM EDT

Author: sk8ergirl1191 Mood: Happy Music: The killers (hey kristi, the oc album 2 is really good)

Glad to see my font is back arn't you? October 28th began no earlier then it usually does, 12.a.m

sharp, God certenly is punctual. My October 28th began at 6:30 however when my oh-so-lovley

mother woke me up. Then it began again after she came in 5mins later just to find out I was still

asleep. I spent a full 5mins on my hair and went down stares for a cereal bar. No time to eat

actually cerel with milk. After all isn't rushing around the American Way? Mrs. Fruth decided to

schudel a Student Council meeting for Oct. 28th. I had Thriller schudeled for Oct. 28. I had pizza

with the pricipal on Oct. 28th and the dance. So many things to do, with just has much time as

we allways have. Turns out I didn't have to worry about the student council meeting because

Mrs. Fruth wouldn't let me in with my makeup on. First period goes by, along with the first

performance of Thriller, *I messed up but thats life* Second period comes and goes along with

our second performance of Thriller *ha, only a little off beat* Third comes moseling along, and

gone is our final performance. Thats it, no more Thriller for Oct. 28th. I lost a lot inbetween

6:30 and Third period, a neckless, my awards, and some of my skin came off when i took the

make up off, Oh and i lost Kristi, luckley she found a responsible adult to help her. I mad it to

the last 5mins of Health, still had some makeup on my face, I was one necklas short and had no

awards from the morning but I was able to beg and force Jon into calling his mom and asking if

he could go to the dance. The bell rings and Health for Oct. 28th is over with *Kristi never

showed up* Off to the marry world of English *the sub was "One of the stupidest, dippest subs

I'v ever had" -Mrs. Jonson* I found my Book, so I was down a necklas, up a book. Not a bad

trade. Went to Science where Luara and I planed a trip to Venice Itali to look for the Lion

statues and to feed the pigons we read about, to Frace to look for French Toast, and for French

Fries, To England to see the guards and the crown jewls, to Japan to climb Mt.Fugi and to see

the Cherry Blossem Trees (i hear the beatuiful) I really enjoyed it, my entire life plan, was made

durning Science class on Oct. 28th. Social Studies was very agravating as Mrs. Stofuz showed

just how superfical she turley is, then i began contemplating how larg the stick that was stuk up

her butt was. (still working on that one) It's off to Pizza with the Principal! *ugg i never want to

see pizza again* We acomplised absolutley nothing, life though is like a really big pizza, it goes

quickley, sometimes you have to get ride of the things in it you don't like, and it takes a while

before you get it. *Let me tell you that certanly impressed Mr.Shook* Come Algebra I find out

Kelly is continuing her quest to stalk me, by getting a pass to decorate for the dance, and a new

life mad his way into the earth on Oct.28th *Skinner had her baby* Jons mom okay'd it and he

can go to the dance. This certenly brightens my spirts. Spend the next hr. decorating for it (all in

vain because we had no idea what we were doing) Paid Jon's way into getting into the dance,

Jimi did the empossible by being the first white boy to dance the Harlem Hussel, I acomplised

the impossible by fitting 5 people on a small bench for the picture that I paid for, but then before

I knew it Derek had paid for copies for all of us. I think he really had fun, he actually danced,

maybe he is starting to enjoy life, that makes it worth it. Kristi freeley admitted to enjoying her

self, as did everone else. I don't think I will have to beg anyone to go to the dances anymore.

Makes you wonder where we will all be next October 28th.

(I must note that the above thriller was not the last thriller, at the dance it was played, i danced, and now my poor feet are paying for it.)

I wrote that last year, it was one of the funniest days I've every had.

So what AM I doing this year?

I'm sitting at home, eating busquick batter, frustrated at J because he dosn't seem to understand anything, and waiting for my mom to get home from the hospital.

Yeah. Life is weird.

Nightmears with out sleep

He's still here, drinkiing, man I hate it when they just sit around and talk.

Go. Away.

I want to sleep, I want to do anyhting other then sit down there and listen to those two talk about the same freakin thing for three hours while they slowly dissapear into their cheap forgen drinks they make.

No, they don't have a drinking problem, they have a talking problem.

I'm tired and hungry and totaly usless

Did my math, have no idea what I did. Just kinda went along with whatever everyone else saidl.

Yelled at J, he's still an ediot.

I want my hosue back.

I want him gone.

I want him back.

I want too much.

I hate subjectlines

I've decided the only thing I can do at all is support.

Thats all I am. Merly a mediocure suppotor, for I have no hobbies, have no special intersts.

And so I shall transforme niceness and helpfull ness into a my craft. I'll never match up to everyone else, I won't give up just yet, but hope does not seem to be holding out.

...But I really don't want to just be a supporter.

I want to be the best at something, but everytime I come close to even being decent he comes along or they take a sudden intrest in it.

And before oyu know it, I am obsolete.

Its not that I'm particurly jealosue that there better at me then stuff, I just wish they wern't so great at everything. Just wish I could hold my own.

And yet I hardly even attempt. I must work harder.

But unil then, I'm just a supporter.

The complexities of the male mind

He demands I tell him when I'm upset, but I can't figure out why.

Because when I tell him, he completly stops talking.

And its flippin annoyoing.

So sick of him doing that.

Guys suck.

From left to right, changes abound

Life is weird, constantly changing yet not quite fast enough to keep us entertained until its all done with and then were just stuck standing in the middle of an intersection doing the Y.M.C.A

When all you really wanted to do in the first place was sleep in.

Life is weird.

I suppose it all balances out, I mean, it has to eventually right? We can't possibly continue on in such a mannor.

Does anyone know what I'm talking about? I don't...

I think I had a coherent thought process last night while laying in my oh so comfortable bed I never get to spend enough time in.

But that was last night, when no computer was near. And now that there is one sitting in front of me I've lost it.

Life is weird.

I guess we're just all tired, and all confused, all dieing for attention and acceptance, yet none of us truly likeing the world, so when we are accepted, we find ourself disliking ourselves.

Life is just funny like that.

You know, funny in the way where you want to jump up and down and scream and everyone and everything becuas nothing makes sense and your serously doubting it ever will again?

Yeah, that kind.

I'm gonna go sleep. I'm tired, it's 1 in the after noon, but life is just wierd.

If only I had some of J's wit when it comes to making up Titles

Last week was awful, completly mindblowing, never gonna heal, scaring, awful.

And its completly my fault.

It began with my bad attitude about T.A, which is a result of low self esteem, and it ended with me up at 3a.m talking to Derek, one of the strangest people I've ever met, a result of him being the only one who cared.

Well, no, they all care, they just wouldn't be able to handel it at the current time.

And they shouldn't have to.

So they didn't.

But Derek, good ol', completly unreliable, never sure how he'll react, sometimes the most frustrating, sometimes the most amazing, Derek saved the day.

And my life.

No, I wasn't going to kill my self, not even I am that stupid.

I met Derek in Social Studies, in 7th grade. He's not good looking, he's not very social, but for some reason he started talking to me.

So I talked back, and gave him a screan name...

One that didn't exist! I didn't know he meant yahoo!

But then, maybe...four months later, I did get a yahoo name, and there were four messages from Derek.

So we started talking again.

And we argued....a lot.

But man, these arugments weres ome of the best conversations I"ve ever had. I felt like an adult. We didn't yell at each other, we didn't stop talking.

I was learning to debate.

Seriously, some of the most usful stuff was learned during those online conversations where we argued everythign from the meaning of life to politics.

One time, in a locker room for basketball one of the older team members asked me who was going out with their little bro. Then she asked who Jenny was....

When I raised my hand I fianlyl figured out why Derek talked to me.

He liked me.

I didn't really pay any attention to it, didn't bother me, just avoided it.

That was the best corse of action. Things continued on, I continued to spend time aruging my way into Derek, hoping he'd see there was more.

Hard life, he blamed everyone and everything for it. Nothing was his fault, he didn't take responsiblity for any of it, he was done.

Thats mostly what we talked about...though the subject never really came up.

Saturday night he was the one telling me how to live, how to not blame myself.

Derek grew up.

No longer the boy who hates the world, he's the guy who takes the world. Works with it, for his family, for his friends, not for him self though.


We stoped talking for a while, he lost any romantic intrest and I found one so we no longer needed the past time of the decussions.

But he was there the other night, and he saved me.

Forgotten Gifts

Its a very strange thing indeed learning new things.

Especially if you thought you already knew all there was to know about a person.

I suppose it would be like if your intire life you thought trees gave oxygen, only to find they take it away insted.

Or if you never believed in the supernatural, and you suddenly find yourself face to face with a ghost.

Perhaps your talking to someone about abortions, and you suddenly find out they had one.

Yeah, its a feeling like that.

During confermation two years ago we spent quite a while talking about gifts.

How everyone has a gift, and how back in Bible Days these might of included being a profet, singing, or you know...speaking in toungs.

I always wondered about that last one, it always fasinated me yet I wondered what good it would possibly do to speak in some odd laungage no one understood.

And the other thing I wondered about was why the heck you never hear of these things anymore? People don't open tell you there a profit, or they speak in toungs, or any of that.

Can't say I'd blame them, people either don't believe you or think your crazy.

So standing in the hall yesterday hearing the words 'I speak in toungs' kinda threw me off guard you know?

I didn't know stuff like that still happend! I didn't know that someone I knew so well could contiue to through me completly off my element with one simple fraze.

Again.

So let me ask you this, am I supposed ot act compeltly surprised? Act as though I hear this sort of things all the time? Or question the guy about it until he gets so sick of me he cureses me?

Sure, I never believed in curses before, but I also didn't know people spoke in toungs.

Still.

I don't doubt the Bible, I just kinda thought some of that stuff died out....

Next thing you know, Kristi is going to tell me she sees the future in her pickles.