Its a very prickly thing

I'm a big music buff, I literly always have songs running through my head, and I"m never with out my cd player.

But its when I'm in a still house with complete silence that I feel time. I feel it changing, and growing, and leaving.

So perhaps thats why I'll always carry earphones.

On another topic all together, heres the best diet plan ever.

Stress.

I'm sure its a thing of personal prefrence, but when I"m nervise about something, or really stressed about meeting someone, I can't eat. I"m not hungry, and I just want to throw up really badly.

Now I"m begining to reilze that theres a simpler way to go about this that I"ve found. It's like when your having a really bad day, only to find out someone else is having one also.

You feel like maybe you can get by.

Only with this, you put your complet trust it, which is a almost impossible task to complete.

Especailly for me. We all build up these walls, and we know that if we don't let anything out, we won't get as hurt, we won't feel, we will get by.

But you become numb.

And then you relize that you have no reason to go to bed at night, it just means you'll have to get up in the morning, and that task in it's self seems impossible.

But having that knowladge deep down that it WILL be okay, no matter whats going on at the moment, that someday, sometime, in the future, things will be better, is the only way I know anyone can get over things.

Maybe I just hang out with Preacher Boy too much, but if you put your faith in God, you know things will be okay.

Yeah, your still going to cry, and it's still going to hurt, but at least your not numb.

I"ve found myself actually putting this theory into action recently, due to circumstances beyond my controle, which is really everything if you think about it.

I've stoped thinking about consiquences, and have started just going with what my heart tells me. What God tells me.

Would Anyone like to donate to the red cross? Sure, have my lunch money. I can find someone to give me something later.

So, want to know something even funnier then my computer application teachers voice?

I've completly changed my carrier, my life goals, my occupation, based on a dream.

And a MTV video.

But mostly this dream.

And I havn't told a living sole yet. Not my parents, not my friends, not J.

Just you.

Drifiting identities

K calls in tears, J says how happy he is, and Kasey brings on the drama.

And I begin to wonder, is it all worth it?

Certenly it must be, how unfair life is to some, and how wonderful it is to those who don't truyl appricate it. Insted they dwell on what they've lost, not what they've gaind and learned.

Today at lunch, Josh sat with us because he car was broken. I'm dissapointed to say that I was almost ashamed of my friends, the way they behaved.

And K and I begin to talk less and less, nothing personal, our intrets are just changing, she's loosing her self and I think I'm finally becoming something.

So this is when I should be there for her, support her, tell her how everythings going to be okay.

Any yet I find myself being desgusted by her mannor, cringing when she curses.

Not to say I don't blame her.

I suppose what I'm saying is, that now that I find myself in a new setting with amazing people with awesome traits all around me, I begin to question what my next move should be.

Surround myself with people who share my values, my intrests, or should I stay with the ones who need me, the ones who are lost?

Because maybe, maybe I want to be selfish and be with these new people. But maybe at the same time I can't bear the thought of leaving the people who saved me so many times before.

In all honosty, I probably don't have to do either.

I'm sure its possible to be perfectly respetable friends with both, I'm above clicks, this is high school people!

What I suppose I"m trying to say, is that they hold me down.

And how do you explain that to a crying girl?

Changes

I don't think I ever relized that life changes, I mean, I suppose somewhere within my subconsciouse I relized that it was unavoidable, but I never thought it would happen.

The funny thing?

Its not even happening to me.

No, its happening to L, someone I've never met in person, and yet I feel somehow saddened that they will no longer be around.

Though perhaps it is due to the fact I sympathise with Lea. Circimstances so completly unfiar have been thrown in front of her, and theres no where around.

Could I survive them?

I really don't know, possibly yes, but not without incredible repercussions.

Some change is just supposed to happen, you feel it, and hopefully you accept it.

Because if can't fight change, it will drain you of your emotions and relationships if you do.

K and I never talk anymore, when we do I find myself forcing words to be spoken, common ground is no longer found easily.

I find myself wishing for something new, yet I'm afraid to let go of the old.

Because the old is so comfortable, yet so unstable. You sit there, with these people who you KNOW you don't relate to anylonger, and you wonder when everything will crash down around you.

But you can't possibly bear to leave them, because they were the people you knew, the people you loved for so long, and to you, theres nothing else.

So your looking at the unknown, wondering if the chance at something better is worth the chance of loosing comfort.

And then you take that chance, and you find you absolutly love this change, and you slowly forget how you felt with your old friends, but I mean it dosn't really matter right? Its just change.

But you have to remember that those people where your life once, and though they will never be again, they will always be there for you, always loving you, just waiting to embrace you.

Or at least, thats how it should work.

Freshmen, woah

So yep, here I am, a freshmen now.

And I still talk to J, infact, we are much more together now they we were apart...

Does that make sense to you?

Me either.

High school is an odd place.

Not a bad place mind you, yet its certenly not fun. It just...is, and I am, and I have to get through the next four years so I WAS.

*Yeah, my attempt at creative writing*

The end is here

Today I did some things completely and utterly outside of my small character.

First off was getting up early, I don't know what possessed me to do this, I probably never will, but I"m glad I did.

You see, I cleaned my room. Which is not so incredible amazing in it's self, but when pointed into other facts it becomes a life savor.

You must understand, Jon needed a hug. And I was the only one who could possibly give it.

And so the second part of my unchaircter, inviting my GUY friends over.

Mainly, inviting Jon.

And you know what the most surprising feat in this all? It actually HAPPENED.

Nothing went wrong, Jon, Jimi, and Kristi all came over, everyone had fun, we laughed like none of us had any worries, and as if time would stop to accommodate us all.

and then the cell rang, and Jon had to leave. I got two hugs before hand.

And then Jimi called his sister, and we all talked to him, and Kristi casually flirted, because this might bet he last time she gets the chance.

because, are we ever going to be the gang again? We can't possibly stay the friends that others longed for, as soon as Jon left, the glory days were over.

And we grew up.

And as my eyes grow teary, and I wonder what the following school day will bring, I think to my self that I wouldn't change a thing.

because I have truly been blessed by having some of the most wonderful people in my life, and its difficult knowing that Monday morning I walk into a school, and give them up.

But I know that there are other people who need these guys more then me, they need to know what true, unhindered friendship is like, I've known what it is, and now I can take that and help others.

Who knows, maybe the four of us will change the world.

But until 7:15 Monday morning, we're still the best of friends.

And nothing can change that.

Dark skys

It's 88degrees, the grass is dieing from lack of water

I'm cold

THis gives me the opratunity to wear my new jacket

Only I can be cold when its 88 degrees.

Its dark outside, I think its going to rain.

ANd I'm alone

Promises

I just had a guy offer me a promise.

One that said no other girl would ever get him.

But this is a guy who takes these things very seriously, which makes it even better, because I know he would do everything to keep it.

But that not fair to him, I know that as teenagers there a really big chance somethings going to happen, and I know he'd feel horrible about it.

Besides, I trust him.

Looking back on it

After the entry I posted last night, I went up stairs, turned my cell phone on and stuck it in my pocket, and fell asleep seeing as I was dead tired.

10mins later I'm awoken by a vibration, *the cell*

There was his name on the I.D, he really takes this 'call whenver thing' to heart.

I couldn't be happier he did.

I ALMOST didn't answer, I was so set on crying myself to sleep...but I did, and we talkedu ntil midnight.

Got up, went to orintation, spent 3hrs with him. Just him.

My mother says he's a 'nice' boy

I agree

Scared, stupid, annoyed, lonely

Tomorrow is 9th grade orination, I'm scared out of my mind.

I want my parents to go to sleep so I can turn on my cell and tag to the Boy, because for some stupid reason, he never gets on the internet anymore.

I've lost all self controls and patience, I know I'm acting like a grumpy jerk, I blame the 2hrs sleep I've gotten in the past 24hrs.

Yet I refuse to go to bed.

I think its screwing with my emotions, I want to curse, and I want ot cry, but most of all I just want company.

Only, not the company of my parents, in fact, other then the Boy, I can't think of a single person who I'd feel like talking to.

SO why is my phone turned off, making all contact with him impossible?

I love my friends, at least, I love their memory. Is it so very horrible of me to say that I'm really hoping to find DIFFERENT ones come school?

Perhaps I'm just incapable of settling for awesome, these friends of mine are really good friends...Just maybe not good people.

Oh man, I don't mean that. I'm no better.

I'm just a good for nothing hypocrite who doesn't know what she wants, and on the off chance she does she turns of her darn phone.

I'm so scared, he's going to find someone else in more of his classes, I'm going to be so dumb in all of mine, we're going to stop talking...

I really wish my parents would leave so I could break down in tears and cry,

if only because I"m an idiot

I swear it was not this hard while he was on his trip, perhaps because I KNEW he wouldn't be getting on, because I had low expectations.

And now, I"ve got a small glimmer of hope, and I'm hoping with everything I am, and more because I need him.

This is ridiculous.

The boy came back, things are differn't.

But in a good way, I feel closer to him somehow now.

I'm a bad person

K called me in tears, Porkchop *Her bird* died.

It took everything I could do to keep from laughing and making a joke about it.

Its not that I don't feel bad for her! I really do, it's just...

Well...Its kinda funny.

Ug, I'm sick minded.

lonly for you

I miss the boy.

I'm surprised I made it this long, before it took a measly three days for me to become completly unwhined and completly useless.

I find that emersing myself in unbelievable awkward social situations are slightly helpful as I can usualy talk about the boy during small talk.

I doubt these strangers relize I'm pretending that they are really him.

At first I was a bit worried, thought like "Why don't I miss you more!" Kept running trough my head.

But its here now, oh yes. I don't like it one bit, not one freakin bit. It's hit me like a steam train, pulling at my kismit, and my brain just dosn't get it.

Tomorrow I'll be alone. I'm sure I'll feel it then, the utter hoplessness of having no one to talk to, your completly responsible for your self, for your own well being.

Something I doubt I can be trusted with.

But no ones there to stop you right? They've all got lives, shouldn't I?

And I suppose I do....I just would rather have him here, with me instead.

He did call though, only a 20min conversation and I felt 100percent more sad when we said good bye.

Thinking of his voice makes my eyes tear, thinking he might not miss me makes me cry.

I utterly FORCE myself to sleep, knowing if I remiain consciouse I can't be trusted.

4days...only 4days....

Will things be the same?

Bad Ideas

::Posted on Jul 06 2005 02:31:14 GMT-0400 ::Music I'm listening to: FOB

Taking 2 dry pills sooner then recomended on an empty stomach at 1 in the morning while sneeking around the house becasue your not supposed to medicate your self in the first place is a bad idea.

Going into a cutter chatroom because your bored and then leaving an hour later not complety sure if you just joind a cult is a bad idea.

Listening to a sad song and crying because you think it makes your eyes look pretty is just stupid.

Loosing your temper when someones confused is a downfall that has unkknow consquences of the most diar kind.

When someone threatens to sick their hampster on you, you know you need to make better friends.

Drawing a man hanging himself on your drive way for all to see is great until the three year old across the street ask's her daddy why the man is covered in red.

Even then its fine until your father comes home and repermends you.

Don't ask me how I know.

If I had a remote to my CD player I'd copy the poem from the FALL OUT BOY CD for ya'. but I don't and I'm too lazy to stop it.

"When your in a town like this all convered in smoke, your forget that thats theres a world outside, nothing amazing happens here, and you get used to that, used to a world where everything is ordinary. Everyday we spend here is like a whole life time of dieing slowly." FLCL

True Love and whispers

::Posted on July 04 2005 17:06:24 GMT-0400 ::Music I'm listening to: These Words

Yesterday, as I sat in church, I overheard the couple behind me whispering during the prayer.

Man: I love you.

Woman: I love you too.

Man: So much.

There both in their 70's, I wanted to cry it was so awesome.

Friendship

::Posted on Jul 01 2005 15:06:31 GMT-0400 ::Music I'm listening to: Starting LIne

Last night I taked to Kyle, he's great in the sense he's always there when you need to get your mind off something.

We talked about donuts and yellowcard.

I can now go a full mininute without thinking of it. And when I do its not in a bad way, more of acceptance and understanding.

I got a salad from Wendys. You know, the fruit kind with the dip things. I miss french fries.

Though I have been chewing on this darn plastic fork for the past 20mins...