Hidden Words, Mistakes Kindness

::Posted on Jun 29 2005 00:30:12 GMT-0400 ::Music I'm listening to: YellowCard
Yesterday, or, rather today, I went to Kasey's birthday party. It was very odd too me.

I felt like I was left out, I felt like I was the center of attention, I felt like I couldn't be who I was, I felt longing, and I felt fun.

Somethign I havn't felt in a while coem to think of it. I'm sure all this is mearly my imagenation, none of which are improtant enough to bring up amoungst others, not that I'm bold enough to do so.

When I arrived, I felt as though I was welcomed and as though I was really a part of this circle of friendship. I was on fire, I was funny, I was friendly, I was bold.

Then, and this is in no way her fault, Kristi came. Almost instantly I felt as though my purpose had been fufilled and I could of gone home and they would of been fine.

Don't get me wrong, these people were in no way rude to me, and Kristi is truly one of few people who understand me, I just feel as though she is torn between true friendship and momentary bliss.

It as if we are a basketball team. All incredible good players on our own, yet when to gether we only know how to play 1 on 1.

Kasey likes to whisper in Kristi's ear in front of everyone. I just want to scream when she does that. Then, Kasey asks Kristi to go into the hall for a 'counseling sesson'.

Kasey has it written in her blog that she told Kristi about her problems, and then Kristi told her hers.

And I guess that kinda hurts me in a way. Heh, this is unbelievable. I've never known my self to act as shallow as I am now.

Why the heck should it matter if Kristi chooses to tell Kase her problems and not I? At least she's getting them out there.

I guess it just kinda sucks because I suppose I want the glory for helping, not that I'm the right person for helping.

I mention x-men a few times, and a girl there wold reply "You like x-men?" in this really mean voice as though I was stabing her.

Then I had to listen to Kasey bad mouth Elise and Kelsey and the Beatles all night.

Why are they spreading hate? Theres so much crap in this world and so much of it would just dissapear if people could look above themselves and see everything for what it truly is.

It's just really really sad when I hear her talk like that. I don't understand...They were BEST FRIENDS. How can you completly change your mindset and spread those sorts of things?

Don't people relize this is how wars start?

Then, I became aware of another feeling. The thought kept poping into my head.

"I'd have a lot more fun if Jon was here"

Which isn't good. God, he's going on a misson for 8 days, 8 days of complet and utter alone time. No calls, no conversations, nothing.

Though perhaps that dosn't scare me as much as when he come back. How can going on a mission trip not change you? He would of seen things I'll never get a chance to see, and what if I can't relate at all?

What if he looses that awesome naive nature of his? He'll admit it himself that he is. But, what if he comes back all grown up?

And I'll still be this little girl.

I don't want to be the little girl, I already feel far less...something, around him, and I'm not even sure thats the case.

So, what happens if it really does become the case?


And what if he relizes it?