Hallmark cards and lies

::Posted on Jun 22 2005 00:49:56 GMT-0400 ::Music I'm listening to: Whatever comes along

My life has become nothing more then Hallmark Cards and lies. I try to be a good person, yet I know that I will never succeed in this ambition. Friends tell me I"m the least shallow person they know, yet I can't help but make them mad.

When he asks me how I am, I lie. I say I'm good, I say I'm doing nothing.

But then when he gets down, and he thinks he's the only one who thinks like that, I want to scream. I want to scream at him for thinking such stupid things, I want to scream at him for believing me when I say I'm okay, I want to pull out my hair, stand on my bed, and yell at the sky for letting me think like this.

I've become so good at walking up to people and using some hallmark fraze about roses and life its begining to scare me.

I've become so good at compromiseing my self for his sake I worry I'm dieing. I wonder if it is possible to hide your feelings as well as I'm doing, and I wonder about how fake I look.

I have to sound unreal, no one could have as low self esteem as I do. No one can feel angry and left out one minunet, and then say

"Don't give a damn, I'm not worth it, really"

Because...I think, I think I am worth it. And I've got this whole reverse physocolgy thing going on where I think if maybe I act like this, all selfless and giving, they'll relize how great I am.

Only at the moment I'm not thinking about how great I am. I'm thinking about last night when he was driving me crazy with his complaints of feel like "the odd man out"

And I wanted to yell that I'm a lier, and a fake, and not worth his time, but I don't, and I pick him up again, and I relize that every time he's sad, I get sad.

Because I want him to know, but I really don't think he could handel it, but what if he can and I'm not giving him a chance?

And what the flippin hell am I talking about again? Its taking all of my will power to not go up there and delete all of that, it makes no coherent sense what so ever, and I apoligize.

For everything

(I blame the sad songs on Launch)