Awkward developments

::Posted on Jun 30 2005 01:54:54 GMT-0400 :


:Music I'm listening to: Yellowcard

As I sit here listening to the more agst of yellowcard, a thousand emotions are running through my head.

Shock, disbelief, excitment, love, relief, wonder, envy, longing, desire, respect.

But it all comes back to love in a flurry of intantgeld confusion.

I don't have to pretend anymore, I can feel like an equal, I don't feel like he's faking, everything makes sense!

And yet perhaps I'm more confused then ever, perhaps my world's just shatterd in, and everything I know has been discentagrated in a singel instant.

But what I knew wasn't what I wanted, what I knew was perfect and unreal.
What I know now is staind and beautiful.

Man, I love this boy. I never doubted it, but he's droped the act, I was so wrong, he's not naive, he's not innocent, God I love him!

I type the keys in exuberent excitment, as if this act will make the joy I feel possible, the complete relief of being understood, yet loved, and cared for.

I don't have to pretend, I refuse to pretend! Heck, compaird to him, my mask didn't compair at all. Mine was slowly cracking, showing it, his was in perfect condition.

Yet, he told me, and while it was difficult for me to read those words, it must of been a million times more difficult for him to write them. Almost completly williingly he told, and it hurt.

I could tell it hurt, I could feel his shame, I could see that he hated himself, and I can see why. For the first time perhaps, he was completly honost, and after I find he's not perfect, but far from it, I perhaps love him even more so.

I'm acting like a bumbeling ediot, completly corny, perhaps insaine, and certenly selfish.

How can someone have so much courage to tell someone else what he told me? I almost regretted asking, not thinking he would respond with a vaild answer.

No one has before, after all. Why should Church boy?

BECAUSE HE'S HUMAN! AND SO AM I! AND I CAN BE MYSELF NOW!

I'm refusing myself thought. If I think I'll think about how impossible it was for me to not know this before, how utterly rediculouse I was being, but I shant do that tonight.

I think he's feeling better now, I somewhat went into a spew of corny messages that kept poping out of my head.

Shocking, really..