Awkward developments

::Posted on Jun 30 2005 01:54:54 GMT-0400 :


:Music I'm listening to: Yellowcard

As I sit here listening to the more agst of yellowcard, a thousand emotions are running through my head.

Shock, disbelief, excitment, love, relief, wonder, envy, longing, desire, respect.

But it all comes back to love in a flurry of intantgeld confusion.

I don't have to pretend anymore, I can feel like an equal, I don't feel like he's faking, everything makes sense!

And yet perhaps I'm more confused then ever, perhaps my world's just shatterd in, and everything I know has been discentagrated in a singel instant.

But what I knew wasn't what I wanted, what I knew was perfect and unreal.
What I know now is staind and beautiful.

Man, I love this boy. I never doubted it, but he's droped the act, I was so wrong, he's not naive, he's not innocent, God I love him!

I type the keys in exuberent excitment, as if this act will make the joy I feel possible, the complete relief of being understood, yet loved, and cared for.

I don't have to pretend, I refuse to pretend! Heck, compaird to him, my mask didn't compair at all. Mine was slowly cracking, showing it, his was in perfect condition.

Yet, he told me, and while it was difficult for me to read those words, it must of been a million times more difficult for him to write them. Almost completly williingly he told, and it hurt.

I could tell it hurt, I could feel his shame, I could see that he hated himself, and I can see why. For the first time perhaps, he was completly honost, and after I find he's not perfect, but far from it, I perhaps love him even more so.

I'm acting like a bumbeling ediot, completly corny, perhaps insaine, and certenly selfish.

How can someone have so much courage to tell someone else what he told me? I almost regretted asking, not thinking he would respond with a vaild answer.

No one has before, after all. Why should Church boy?

BECAUSE HE'S HUMAN! AND SO AM I! AND I CAN BE MYSELF NOW!

I'm refusing myself thought. If I think I'll think about how impossible it was for me to not know this before, how utterly rediculouse I was being, but I shant do that tonight.

I think he's feeling better now, I somewhat went into a spew of corny messages that kept poping out of my head.

Shocking, really..

Its seeking in

Oh crap, I'm leaving Wendsday....

I won't see him for 9something days

Now, though it is I who is doing the leaving, I'm only gone for 3days, he's leaving he day after I leave *confused yet?* for 8days, and its all a very confsuing thing.

And its just now dawning on me, just now coming to the relization that for 9days I'm left to my own, sometimes dangerouse, devices.

I'm not sure I can handle it. I don't depend on him THAT much do I?

Hell yes, oh crap I'm screwed.

I can make it through....9days...thats.....what? 500 Relient K CD's?

Dang it.

It's times liek these when I wonder the possibilites of having a mental disorder. Really, I'm thinking its a large possibility.

Tomorrow I shall cry.

Self distruct mode

Tonight I"m not depressed, more of a traquil sort, yet I wish I had the ability to get drunk, or high, or something.

Wishing Kristi would get online so I could stay up to an unhealthy hour and do things I'd regret come morning.

Or afternoon as it may be. I have no reason To get up tomorrow, I'm all alone anyway. No one will ever know.

Which brings us to another odly depressing topic.

I, the person who hates being alone, has willingly offered to do so for two days while said parents vacation.

I don't regret my decision, no, not at all. Couldn't bare to be away from SO for longer then absoulty necessary, just....now I'm alone.

Last time I felt like this I ended up winning the Creativity award for the Condome game.....

Yeah, thats something I'll brag about at the next family reuninion.

But thats the glory of girl friends, they can get your mind off anything...

If you'll let them.

I'm so brave

Posted on Jun 29 2005 23:26:51 GMT-0400 ::Music I'm listening to: tv

Jon : Josh is having a movie night tomorrow. Would you like to come?

Me: I'm allergic.

Look how sneeky I am

Jon : What have you been up to today?
Me: What have you been doing?
Jon : I asked first.
Me: So?
Jon : =P
I didn't want to inform him how incredible immature and child like I was, crying more the once, falling alseep often and breaking my grandfather's heart.

Almost unentintally.

Today, in the midst of my shivering under my blankets and a sweatshirt *its 97degrees, I shouldn't be cold*, I programed my cell phone.

It will now beep in countdown on days until he comes home.

This will most likly throw me into a pit of depression and late night c-room sessons.

Oh well, it was unavoidable.

I just got nailpolish in my eye. I think its time to go.

Cold amungst the heat wave

I feel off, alone, incomplete.

And it comforts me, I have yet again fallen into the mouringful bliss of emptyness.

This will fall into place soon enough, I'll give up all shimmers of hope, listen to emo music in my dark room.

Because I'll refuse to turn on a light.

Why I do this? I reall can not be sure, the probable cause is that I don't want to look at myself.

So why do I sit infont of the merror?

I havn't talked to him all day, I'm sure thats a large part of this feeling, other contributing factors invovle family members feeling there need to cratique me.

*sigh* I'm done

Hidden Words, Mistakes Kindness

::Posted on Jun 29 2005 00:30:12 GMT-0400 ::Music I'm listening to: YellowCard
Yesterday, or, rather today, I went to Kasey's birthday party. It was very odd too me.

I felt like I was left out, I felt like I was the center of attention, I felt like I couldn't be who I was, I felt longing, and I felt fun.

Somethign I havn't felt in a while coem to think of it. I'm sure all this is mearly my imagenation, none of which are improtant enough to bring up amoungst others, not that I'm bold enough to do so.

When I arrived, I felt as though I was welcomed and as though I was really a part of this circle of friendship. I was on fire, I was funny, I was friendly, I was bold.

Then, and this is in no way her fault, Kristi came. Almost instantly I felt as though my purpose had been fufilled and I could of gone home and they would of been fine.

Don't get me wrong, these people were in no way rude to me, and Kristi is truly one of few people who understand me, I just feel as though she is torn between true friendship and momentary bliss.

It as if we are a basketball team. All incredible good players on our own, yet when to gether we only know how to play 1 on 1.

Kasey likes to whisper in Kristi's ear in front of everyone. I just want to scream when she does that. Then, Kasey asks Kristi to go into the hall for a 'counseling sesson'.

Kasey has it written in her blog that she told Kristi about her problems, and then Kristi told her hers.

And I guess that kinda hurts me in a way. Heh, this is unbelievable. I've never known my self to act as shallow as I am now.

Why the heck should it matter if Kristi chooses to tell Kase her problems and not I? At least she's getting them out there.

I guess it just kinda sucks because I suppose I want the glory for helping, not that I'm the right person for helping.

I mention x-men a few times, and a girl there wold reply "You like x-men?" in this really mean voice as though I was stabing her.

Then I had to listen to Kasey bad mouth Elise and Kelsey and the Beatles all night.

Why are they spreading hate? Theres so much crap in this world and so much of it would just dissapear if people could look above themselves and see everything for what it truly is.

It's just really really sad when I hear her talk like that. I don't understand...They were BEST FRIENDS. How can you completly change your mindset and spread those sorts of things?

Don't people relize this is how wars start?

Then, I became aware of another feeling. The thought kept poping into my head.

"I'd have a lot more fun if Jon was here"

Which isn't good. God, he's going on a misson for 8 days, 8 days of complet and utter alone time. No calls, no conversations, nothing.

Though perhaps that dosn't scare me as much as when he come back. How can going on a mission trip not change you? He would of seen things I'll never get a chance to see, and what if I can't relate at all?

What if he looses that awesome naive nature of his? He'll admit it himself that he is. But, what if he comes back all grown up?

And I'll still be this little girl.

I don't want to be the little girl, I already feel far less...something, around him, and I'm not even sure thats the case.

So, what happens if it really does become the case?


And what if he relizes it?

Never Listen to Emo

Posted on Jun 27 2005 00:24:41 GMT-0400 ::Music I'm listening to: Some Emo station


Either emotional music makes you sad, I"m clincily depressed, or teenage hormones really are to blame, but darn it, another Sunday has come and not quite gone and I find my self on the verge of something.

And that something isn't a picnic. Nor does it involve pie.

Maybe its becasue I'm a girl. Girls are supposed to be moody right?

My goodness the odds are not stacked in my favor.

Deperssing music, depression, teenagerism, girl. I'm on the track to life long sadness and despair.

Sure, I could change the satation, but I'm not intirly sure I want to. I want to listen to people who have crapy outlooks on their life. Not the good ol Christen station that I'm usualy at.

Notice how I said view? Yeah, in my heart, I know my life rocks, I know I've got everything, I've aslo got what i like to call a 'writers mind'

This means, sometimes I think up charicters, personalities, and sometimes I think I think too hard.

Becasuse I pick up their traits.

Because the people I think up, their history, their life, its all intersting. Not in good ways mind you, and not in pariturly exciting ways. I suppose you have to think like me to know what I'm getting at, and no amout of nonexistant writing ability can do that.

There, I did it again. You see, I really don't think I"ma horrible writer. Oh, I know I've got a looooooooooong way to go, and a lot more time to do that. Just sometimes, I think I tell peopleI suck so I can see their reaction when they find out what its truly like.

And a lot of the time, they do say it sucks.

Which in a whole, sucks. But a lot MORE of the time, they say they like it. But how do you get someones true opinion?

You write a Fanfiction. Jon keeps asking me what I'm doing, I jus say 'stuff'

I feel absolutly horrible about saying that, and not telling him. But I'm so utterly defleted around him, as though it is impossible for me to be intelegent in any shap or form.

Which, is obsered in every sense of the word. I think he's possibly been my greatest sorce of encouragment, for the little I tell him I"m doing that is.

It is entirly my fault.

Kristi had a good point last night. Maybe I'm not being fair to him, but could he handel the true thoughts of a jaded, depressed, far from naive, girl?

One who he claims to love?

Maybe I'm convincing my self I can change, maybe I'm convincing myself that one day he'll see through my facide and come to my rescue.

Rescue from what I do not know.

You know, we as socity completly misuse the term "Obsessive Complusive" in truth, it is a sevier medicle condition that is not to be taken lightly.

One case told of a boy who was talking to his theorpist. He wanted help so badly, but he had made up rules that he couldn't tell anyone what he was doing, becasue he just couldn't.

But he WANTED them to know. how badly he must of wanted to explode with a passion of want.


(iT was later descovered that he was trying to put pillows on every sharp edge in teh world, becasue if he didn't someone would fall and hit their head and die)

On vacation, I wore a hat. Partially for the sun, as to keep it out of my eyes, but mostly, so they couldn't look INTO my eyes.

I don't know what they would of seen, but I know they wouldn't expect it.

And, while sitting in church today wondering why it was so difficult for me to feel...church-like, I thought of something.

Adults put up a mask, they perfect it, compramising themselves for the sake of socitys.

So why do teenagers get such a bad rap for being out of controle and rebelliouse?

We havn't perfected our mask.

Hallmark cards and lies

::Posted on Jun 22 2005 00:49:56 GMT-0400 ::Music I'm listening to: Whatever comes along

My life has become nothing more then Hallmark Cards and lies. I try to be a good person, yet I know that I will never succeed in this ambition. Friends tell me I"m the least shallow person they know, yet I can't help but make them mad.

When he asks me how I am, I lie. I say I'm good, I say I'm doing nothing.

But then when he gets down, and he thinks he's the only one who thinks like that, I want to scream. I want to scream at him for thinking such stupid things, I want to scream at him for believing me when I say I'm okay, I want to pull out my hair, stand on my bed, and yell at the sky for letting me think like this.

I've become so good at walking up to people and using some hallmark fraze about roses and life its begining to scare me.

I've become so good at compromiseing my self for his sake I worry I'm dieing. I wonder if it is possible to hide your feelings as well as I'm doing, and I wonder about how fake I look.

I have to sound unreal, no one could have as low self esteem as I do. No one can feel angry and left out one minunet, and then say

"Don't give a damn, I'm not worth it, really"

Because...I think, I think I am worth it. And I've got this whole reverse physocolgy thing going on where I think if maybe I act like this, all selfless and giving, they'll relize how great I am.

Only at the moment I'm not thinking about how great I am. I'm thinking about last night when he was driving me crazy with his complaints of feel like "the odd man out"

And I wanted to yell that I'm a lier, and a fake, and not worth his time, but I don't, and I pick him up again, and I relize that every time he's sad, I get sad.

Because I want him to know, but I really don't think he could handel it, but what if he can and I'm not giving him a chance?

And what the flippin hell am I talking about again? Its taking all of my will power to not go up there and delete all of that, it makes no coherent sense what so ever, and I apoligize.

For everything

(I blame the sad songs on Launch)

Again, for the first time

Once again I find myself here, creating another space for my so called 'thoughts'

It's not that I don't update blogs, no, in fact its quite the oppisote. I wear them out.

And so I am here, some entries will be new while otheres are from a time ago, memories I don't want to loose.