2006

Saturday, January 1, 2005Subject: DUDE ITS 2005!Time: 12:37:00 AM ESTAuthor: sk8ergirl1191 Mood: Happy
Now before we get started here is the link to the stie in which I got the graphics, just so I don't get sued http://webclipart.about.com/od/holiday/l/blny12.htm
MAN ITS THE NEW YEAR!!!! 2004 is no more! Just one bitter sweet beautiful sometimes magical awfly memory.!!!!
All and all goo
d year, perhaps one of the best. We can only hope 2005 is so good. But hey if its not only 365 more days right?
So out with 2004 in with 2005. Its really quite funny if you think about it. I mean what makes this new years so special? Isn't every day kinda like a new year? Its a year from that date last year isn't it? This is why I think it wouldn't be to much to ask to stay up every night with your family eating unimaginable amounts of junk food! And we'd have confetti! Can't forget the confetti!

It's really rather selfish of me but I think this has been one of the best years of my life. It makes me feel a bit guilty *okay more then a bit* saying that considering so many are suffering from all of that other crap. Now that I have sufficiently depressed you, lets get on to my *somewhat* rose colored life!

So really I think I've had the most fun this year due to one simple fact, I've had friends. It really does make a difference kids. You do need them no matter how gosh darn stubborn you may be. If you didn't have any friends who would you play produce catch with during Algebra? Yep the wall, walls don't catch well..... produce goes SPLAT. you get my point. If not go away, your not welcome.

This time next year however it could very possibly be an entirely different case. For instance I could be in the witness protection program. Or it could be the fact I'll be facing high school. So I will put on my happy face and wear it proudly for I am used to making annoyingly pleasant conversation. Due in part to the many fancy dinners I've been dragged to

Fun fact about yesterday. I went around telling everyone this was the last time we'd be doing it in 2004. Such as...."I got 4pairs of pants on the last day of 2004" or "I was up 18hrs on the last day of 2004" I pretty much drove everyone else. But hey! It's not like you can say that everyday you know!

Sense it seems Jon decided he didn't want to tell us his New Years Resolution, I thought I'd put up what I plan to fail miserable at.

Drum roll please *bangs pencil on desk* Ladies and Gents. For the 5th year now Virginia *me* shall stop biting her fingernails

Truly an admirable goal



*********************************************
That was last year, as you can probably tell. This year I'm concentrating hard of decisions...and puting all my trust in God, because I physicaly can not take over analzing everything anymore, and he's the onle one who knows whats right.

I was somewhat bummed, my dad went to bed early and didn't ring in the New Year with me and mom, which was us sitting on the couch, but J called at 11:59, and was very sweet.

I texted him back to tell him I loved him sense I could right there next to my mom, he sent back one *even though it will cost him money* that said

"I love you too, cuite =P"

Makes things kinda look good. Which they are :)

I'm going to try to be more positive, and more trusting of God this year, its all I can do.

Hehe, into my own hands

The boy finaly, after all this time, decided I am a good form of entertainment and shall acompeny him to the mall this after noon.

Well hah.

I"ve made plans dahling, and your not in them. So you can't go off and do your own thing now, you can't leave me at home wondering why I'm so unhappy.

I refuse to cry today.

Christmas cheer?

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve....and I'm not in the least bit excited. Not one tiny bit.

Sick of it all.

So ready to just pack up and move away and start over.

For the first time in a long, a thought occured to me "...Do I still have friends?"

That may sound like a silly thing to think, but it just hit me. I mean, I don't really LIKE my 'friends' I don't want to hang out with them....but do they still want to hang out with me?

Thats the scary part.

Odly enough, Krisit invited me over at the same time I was emersed in my musings, I said no, no, no, and then yes.

Then she said "Woops, Mom says 2's enough I'm sorry'

Well isn't THAT peachy?

My Dad refused to eat dinner with me tonight. That hurt.

I also think he's smoking again. Shit. Yeah, I cussed, I cussed and I hate Chirstmas.

Hoo-Ray.

Cindy Lue, Where are you?

The wonderful thing about the Grench is, while he had his issues, he was willing to see he was wrong, he was willing to relize that there still was good, hope, passion about something more then consumption.

Thanks to a little girl named Cindy Lue.

Cindy looked all around her and relized something in that little snow covered town wasn't right. Why were these people so excited about gifts, when one hurt so badly up on the mountain? Why did they all shy away from him?

Then she did the impossible, only, she didn't know it was, so she went ahead and did it. She knocked on his door and smiled.....and from then on, its history.

I am the Grench. I am sick and tired of Christmas, I'm not feeling the joy of the season any longer, only the embaressing traditions and awkwardness of relastions.

This Grench realized that this year, her grandmother died, her daddy almost did, and her grandfathers cancer came back. This year, the Grench realized that she wouldn't be getting any gifts from friends, she realized that giving things was now a compititon of the best. She realized there would be no paycheck in her family, and that when others asked her what she was getting, she would become embaressed and rambel about how she didn't know.

I wouldn't say this Grench was particurly jealouse....merly....felt cheated. She didn't need presents, she didn't particurly want any to begin with, but its much easier to be strong when the world isn't falling down around you.

But this Grench realized something.

She had many Cindy Lue's. Her Cindy Lue moved her dads vacation days around so he'd get payed, Her Cindy Lue made sure her grandfather had stayed bussy and productive. Her Cindy Lue made sure of so many things.

So the Grench took a moment to look around her, and realized that maybe Christmas wasn't the mericle event of the year like she had hoped, but there were still others out there willing to try.

And to this Grench, thats the important part.

Ignoring the obviouse

I used to be poetic and just and ignorance and blissfuly unaware of my own humanities.

I used to be unfazed and idealistic and sure in my values and convictions, I knew what I wanted, I knew how to get there.

I don't know what I want, I don't even know how to string words together in a form art to make a picture or evoke an emotion any longer.

Its teenage angst, it has to be teenage angst, I just can only hope that sometime I'll get to be a teenager with out angst. The optamistic, not trying to prove anything kind.

Have you ever met one of those? Me either.

Maybe some day being egnored won't hurt so much, and sitting at home doing homework on a Saturday won't seem pathetic, merly pratical. A good use of time so to say.

Though about now I"d give anything just to throw up my hands and do something less productive and pratical. To go out and party, to drive in circles, to walk around the block, or to merly cry into my pillow.

The later is probably what I shall end up doing, but quite frankly I don't understand why. I never understand why. I think I'm the person who balances out all those stubbern boys who hold their tears in. They just send them to me, I'll take care of the dirty work for them.

The good news is I've done my health, the bad news is.....

I don't consider anything goodnews.

Why is it like this?

I suppose its to be expected, God dosn't bless with both hands right?

Then why does it seem as though others have so many talents and abilites, and I have none. The ones I think I possess are quickly being outdone by others who don't even have to try.

It wouldn't be such a hard thing in life, to not be the best....but for some reason I feel as though I'm always having to prove something to someone....and you only have to prove something, if someone thinks you might be the best already.

Well news flash people, I'm not.

I can trick you, and sometimes even myself into thinking that maybe I am, but in reality, its just due to short bursts of high energey and always doing my homework, always doing that extra credit.

But thats wearing off now, I've looked around me and seen what people do with such ease. Ease is something that I do not posssess. Maybe its a test to see if I can be stronger then them, because I have to work harder...

But I'm thinking I'm just lazy.

The worse part is, there ISN"T any reason I should ahve to work harder. No ADD, no ADHD, no LD, I'm just....

Mediocure.

And thats frustrating, because so many unmedicoure people assiosiate with me, and anyday now there going to relize they've been amoung a froud....

Then what?

You can't go back through the bridges you've burned....

Um...Preeety.

So she tried to tell herself to be patient. So everyone around her offered comfort and abundant shoulders to lean on presented themselves to her every which way. So she had it made: everything around her was flowers and sunshine. So her surroundings and entourage were as understanding and therapeutic as they come. So, like a fragile, withering rose, she closed in on herself and marked the pages of a yellowed journal, endowing a florid passage with the bittersweet beauty of days and passing fancies that would not return or repeat themselves. So, taking her entirely unawares, love discovered her."-I do not know

I hate the world

A few nights ago J told me how bad he felt for talking about his mom in a disrespectful way. Needless to say I was somewhat shocked seeing as the woman dosn't do squat for him, though I can't say I feel comfortable judging how she should mother her child.

J: But she does stuff for me...

Me: Like?

J: Feed me.

Me: Its her legal obligation!

And no, that wasn't said in a funny way, because I feel utterly spoild by my mom who get this, PAYS for my food.

Last night Lea and I were at Wal-Mart, an old cart lady was in front of us pushing a trai of carts in the 17degree weather at 11 o'clock at night.

Why?

I hate the world.

I know there is so much worse things out there, and I've seen quite a few of them, just I'm so helpless to help all the injustice, and no matter how much I hate the World, I'm always going to be stuck living in it.

Being a freakin bystander.

Its amazing when...

When you can have the one of the cutest boys in school say you looked pretty, and that he loves you, and the only thing you can think about is how you wish J was around so you could give him a nice home and you could smell him because he wears a nice calogne no matter what he says.

ANd let me tell ya, its awesome.

Eric: Virginia, I love you.

*Me spacing off* He smells so nice...........oh what was that you said?

Haha, so no it wasn't like that. Purly friendship, and he was talking about God so don't get any crazy ideas

My new favorite hobby...

I've taken to becoming a nosy friend....and its working out quite nicly.

If I want to know something, I ask.

And more often then not, the person was wanting to tell it in the first place, then just thought no one wanted to hear.

The crazy thing is..I enjoy it. They enjoy it.

I'm not going to tell anyone, but its a lot like theatre class.

You have to make upa l ife for a character you might no nothing about, that way you'll know how they will react in a situation.

Then you know how to help that person if they ever seem lower then low, and desperate, making you not so intirly desperate.

And sense your the only one who thought to ask, your one of the few who can help.

Meaning your needed, which fits in with our theme of the week.

Hoo-Ray!

What on earth is this boy smoking!?

Eric: I've been thinking over two things today...

Eric: And i'm going to tell you both

Eric: lol

Me: Alright then!

Eric: 1.

Eric: I'm watchin the animated version of the Little Engine That Could

Eric: I LOVED this movie when i was little, and i found it today and got all excited

Me: Becuase thats wat all 15 year old boys do in their spair time...

Eric: dont poke fun.

Eric: lol

Me: Hehe, alright. Is their a point or are we just going down memory lane? *that movie scared me,. when they were in the mountain*

Eric: YES!

Eric: lol

Eric: that was just a random excitement thing.

Eric: but 2.

Eric: You looked wickedly pretty today

Eric: lol

Eric: and i mean that in the most non-hitting on you way possible

I proceded to tell him that I was very flattered, but also quite attached to Jon and would not proceed to have a large indepth love affair with him.

He replied "Me too"

Does that mean he also likes Jon???

*wink*

But its always nice to be told you look nice when your feeling that your shirt makes you look fat.

Patterns

This Holiday season my grandfather has remineded me quite a few times where we were last Christmas, and how differnt things are now.

Last Christmas my grandmother was dieing, things wern't good, Christmas came and I was alone while they were at the hospital, I actualy attempted to make a holiday video, I thought it would be nice for them.

I never got it done, they were never home to be filmed.

But I had a happy Christmas, and I don't regret having had a seemling unhappy holiday.

However, what he seems to be forgetting is that the year before that she was also in the hospital, and I was once again alone.

I mentiond this to him, but he didn't say anyhing on the subject.

I suppose I don't understand.

This year almost did the same thing, my Dad almost died, but somehow he didn't, and he'll be here this Christmas.

Maybe I won't be alone.

In other news, I'm actualy in good spirits today, I've had a good week, yet some...odd things have been happening.

I'm not quite sure if its the politicly correct term....but I think I was sexualy haressed.

Theres a guy named Jeff. Jeff likes to give me hugs, and grab my hand, and joke about having camras in my house seeing me nakid.....

He uses humor to pass it off, it always was annoying, but I figured he was just an annoying guy, people would of been angry if I had told on him.

But Tuesday, he freaked me out. Eric, who J has now appointed as my body gard when Jeff is around and he is not, was walking with me when Jeff came up and grabbed my butt, when I moved to the other side of Eric and began to take my seat Jeff physical shoved Eric out of the way and sat next to me.

I was blocked on both sides and the convication was starting so moving was not an option.

Jeff began to rub my leg with his hand.

Then he put his arm around me, I shrugged him off and curled into a ball in my seat.

He continued to touch me.

Then a teacher sat down near by so he stoped, when it was over I bolted.

Kristi tried to stop me but for some reason Jeffs harmelss teasings just freaked me out that day. Worst of all I could find J anywhere.

And I was late to class.

So running up the stairs trying to get to my locker I he runs into me again, he's excuse for touching me is because he wants to see J get mad and hit him. I don't think he relizes J wouldn't do that.

Or I thought.

I made some sarcastic comment and turned a corner, someone poked me and I jumped thinking it was Jeff.

It was J.

That darn guy knows me better for what I give him credit for because by lunch he had figured out that Jeff had done something or other, and apparently his body gard wasn't sufficent.

I didn't want to tell him though. I wanted him to know, just...I felt asahmed telling him.

And yet, he found out.

And got mad.

Really mad.

So I guess your wondering why I'm happy?

I suppose its because when I felt really helpless and pathetic, I had good friends willing to hit a stupid pervert and get in trouble for me.

I guess you could say I feel loved.

12 a.m indirect pep talks

"Live to your fullest, laugh, hang in there, and believe that you're not half as bad as you believe you are... ...because the truth is, you're more like a fourth of all that"-Eric

He posted it on his blog for all to see, but really, it was directed at me.

Karma? Or a poetic chain of events?

Today...today showed me something about God's plan, and how he puts people into your life to make it crazy and remarkable unpredictable in that nice, reliabe way.

I wake up, do my thing, and somehwere along the line end up talking to J.

He wants to make plans to do something, well....Hesistant is the way I act.

Its not so much that he's not reliable, more to the effect we both have horrible luck, and that yeah....

He's not reliable.

Not so much to his own fault, just....there was a time he missed half a movie becuase he was asleep, at home. And way too many times he hasn't been there at schoolf becuase he's slept in or forgotten to set his alarm.

Then there are the few times when he makes me proimse to do something with him, only to completly dissapear on the said date.

This. This was one of those days.

However, Krisit interupted J's plan of leaving me alone by making a self inforced decision to put of Christmas decorations.

Lord Bless that Child.

We hit this house like a hurricane, my tree looks Santa threw up all his Christmas cheer, but its the memories that matter right?

Hehe, yeah. Lets go with that.

J dosn't how his head until 9o'clock, 15mins after Kristi has left for the evening.

He explains how he forgot that he had to put of Christmas Decorations and such and that he had forgotten about his prior comitmet.

Not to sound totaly self exorbed, I'm going to clarifiy something.

Thats completly fine with me! Honostly it is. Its just, what if I HAD sat doing nothing all day becuase I THOUGHT he was going to call me?

The issue of unrealiablidy is becoming tediuse.

Pleasent, if not lacking converstaiont continues until 10:10, when we get to the issue of his increidlby picky eating.

With one simple snide remark on my part, he hangs up.

Well....not quite. He did say Good Bye, but I didn't think he'd actualy hang up.

But he did, and that shocked me, and made me question things, becuase I wasn't sure if it was in jest or not.

So, I went to the person who I always go to when I have a question.

Eric.

The guy manages to actualy make me laugh, and then goes off to play a video game, telling me he'll probably talk to me later tonight....

Which makes me reconsider my decision to go to bed.....

Which menas I'm still on the internet when J loggs on.

However, that conversation is quicly being consumed with my inablity to stand him at the moment, so that might just be another crash and burn to add to the calander.

Thanksgiving!

Thanksgiving has come and gone, and I must say it was better then expected.

I think a few friens are coming over today or tomorrow to help get Christmas stuff out of hte attac becuase we can't do it ourselves

We'll see how that goes....

Wish me luck!

Thanksgiving

Well...its thanksgiving...and I've almost broken into tears on many seperate occasions today.

But so far, I havn't. So were good.

The dinners pretty much a disaster, my moms depressed, my dad feels usless, they both have a right.

And I'm just here.

Its all crashing down, and we're just here. But in other news I've found hope in the fact that I know that in the long run a simple thanksgiving disaster is minuit and God will get us all through.

Dear Lord

I need to stop pretending to be happy
Who am I fooling anyway?

I guess thats the problem, I've become merly an actor of life, not living no longer feeling.

Just acting, going through the motions perfectlyt content until I sit alone in stillness for a moment.

Thats all it takes to relize that all I am is made up around this fakness I've allowed myself to fall into in order to conform to my idea of someones elses idea of perfect.

And God, I need you to help me break it.

I can't, I'm too afraid they'll think me worthless, think me pathetic and uselss and unneeded.

And I need to be needed.

But right now, now I'm just not me, and I know thats not good, so I need your help to be brave.

Because it dosn't matter if I don't have my Bible the one time Laura needs it.

It dosn't matter if Jon goes to church more often then I do.

It dosn't matter if I don't get along with every person in my youth group.

Just because I had to ask for help dosn't mean I'm helpless.

I AM a good person! I will not let my own ideas of the perfect human get in the way of that.

I'm NOT perfect, but I'm not a failure just because I can't do half the things other people can do, or because I don't have the 'religiouse record' they all boast of.

I DO love God, I'd like to THINK I act like I do, I'd like to think my actions show that, and I'd like to think that maybe someday, I'll be able to accept that.

Well...who knows until its been written

So, Its raining outside, but what amazes me is the true blankness of the sky.

No color at all, not even gray.

Its white, like on a December day, with snow on the ground an no worries anywhere becasue your outside laying in the snow, and your cold but it dosn't really matter because the very snow that is making you cold is keeping you warm.

And I still can't pass a freakin Geomotry test.

My new picture cell phone dosn't make me feel so alone when I'm in my room at 2a.m not sleeping.

Is that sad?

He saved the day

Me: I'll talk to you later
Me: bye
Eric: by the way...
Eric: have i ever told you how insanely cool you are?
Eric: lol
Me: lol...no
Eric: well, you are
Eric: and i'm glad to have you as a friend
Me: lol thanks
Me: You too.
Me: Same.
Eric: you're a lot cooler then most people
Eric: and 5,000 times more mature
Me: Haha, well, thank you.
Eric: plus the whole God thing gives you some bonus points
Eric: lol
Me: But you can't write off everyone just because I'm insainely awesome ;-)
Me: Haha, yeah, hard to loose when he's on your side
Eric: I'll try not to hate humanity too much, but i dunno, you're pretty cool
Eric: lol
Me: Aw, that means a lot coming from you.
Eric: haha
Me: Your really awesome also
Eric: Oh i know you dont need to tell me
Eric: lol
Eric: lol
Eric: just kidding
Eric: Thanks



So, maybe I'm not uesless.

Just maybe.

:)

In the blissfull words of Derek, SSDD

SSDD.

If your not a lazy bum, and you type out what you mean, you might not know what that stands for.

Same Stuff, Differntt Day.

And sadly enough, that ususaly sums it up when people ask you whats going on in life.

Its pretty pathetic, but its difficult to do anything about it.

Homework has gotten ahead of me and I suddenly find myself locked ina death trap that is sure to lead to my demise.

Really.

Especialyl geomotry.

First of all, I hate to do this, but I must say, a lot of my not knowing what the hell I'm doing has to do with the fact I spent two weeks spending every spair moment at the hospital with my dad.

As apposed to doing homework

but I mean I did it! I jsut didn't focus on it

And now, when we are building upon those basics, I find myself lost, confused, and frustrated.

But now I'm thinking maybe I'm blaming all my problems on Geomotry, when really, there just my problems. Not school's, not Jon's, not anyone else's but mine.

In fact, I know that

But now I've confused my self, and my head hurts, and I'm complelty usless until....

Actualy, I think I"m just completly useless

The most deadly of them all

Its a fact, 80 percent of all deaths to teenagers are caused by boredem.

And I"m on the verge of making that 80

Eurika!

I've got it people.

Yeah, you know what I mean.

I've descovered something, something big, something that could/will change my life.

You CAN be happy.

Hah, an epifiny I know.

But as I look around and see my friends and my not so friends collaspe into chaos and misery, I notice there feelings of being sucked into a black hole only rival their feelings to give up.

And I"ll admit to it, I've given up way to many times in this blog. I'll come right out and say it.

I've done stuff to deal with feeling sad, stuff I knew was wrong, and I DIDN"T WANT TO STOP>

I WANTED to feel sad, I wanted to stay up until 4 in the morning crying and feeling alone.

It made me feel differnt, it made me feel like I was standing out by keeping to myself.

THEY didn't know I was unique, but I did.

But now I've figured it out. Being sad and depressed dosn't make you differnt from the masses, it dosn't make you specail or unique or anything of the sort.

It just makes you depressed.

But being happy!? Looking past all thats utterly wrong and confused even when everything seems to be going wrong, keeping in mind that you WILL survive and you WILL overcome because you ARE strong.

Thats what makes you special.

Well...I guess this is how it goes

First things first, I don't feel very good.

Mind you, I've felt worse, far worse. I'm not dieng, and if I had any reason to I'd be perfectly fine not even mention this so I could do more fun things going on in my life.

Well, there arn't really fun things going on in my life, so I figure what the heck.

And you know, that could be a good thing. Means I can stay in bed all day long and have people ask very few questions.

If you know, I did that sort of thing.

The only way I can get up in the morning is by promising myself that I can go to sleep when I come home. And I very well could, no ones stopping me.

But then therse not really any point to that now is there?

Did I mention I've got cramps from hell?

Yep.

Perhaps if I didn't have a horrible headach, and it didn't hurt to open my eyes, then I might be able to form a coherent thought that would intrest you and give you indepth insight into my feelings and my life.

But I do, and I can't.

So there. *sticks out toung*

Actualy, I am doing something. I'm trying despretly to tell myself that theres nothing wrong and that I have no reason to be sad/moody/depressed/unhappy.

Its quite a timly task.

You know that feeling you get right before something big, unknown and completly unexpected changes your life?

Yeah well I didn't get one of those last time something happend, but I'm deffinitly getting one this time.

Also, I don't know what this has to do with anything, but my feet have more vains in them then an old lady has in her whole body.

This isn't what I planned on

"You know, I'm not sure if I'm going to heaven"

These words didn't come as quite as a shock as you might expect, but still they wern't what I particurly wanted to talk about for the seemly pleasent sunday lunch.

I just played with my buscuit until I said the only thing I knew.

"Why?"

He was silent for a quite a while, taking a bite of his food, then picking up his napkin, whiping his chin that didn't need whiping and rubbing his nose that actualy did. Then he did it again.

"There were times I stayed in a fox whole when I could of gone out and saved someones life..." He started to cry, not entirly unusual, he does that a lot lately, but I'm not sure I'll get all together used to it.

"Or at least, I could of tired"

And this is when my mind starts to scream I DID NOT AGREE TO THIS! I just wanted to eat left overs, yet here I am talking about the unknown with an 82 year old vetrin.

And a math teacher, but thats anotehr story.

I did'nt know what to say, and I still don't....I did not think Red Lobster was the place to talk about eternal salvation, nor do I particurly think I'm one who should talk to him about it.

But now I'm thinking that anywhere is fine, and that next time I better get used to being the one.

Even if it is in Red Lobster.

Times elaspe

Subject: My gloriouse October 28

Time: 8:45:00 PM EDT

Author: sk8ergirl1191 Mood: Happy Music: The killers (hey kristi, the oc album 2 is really good)

Glad to see my font is back arn't you? October 28th began no earlier then it usually does, 12.a.m

sharp, God certenly is punctual. My October 28th began at 6:30 however when my oh-so-lovley

mother woke me up. Then it began again after she came in 5mins later just to find out I was still

asleep. I spent a full 5mins on my hair and went down stares for a cereal bar. No time to eat

actually cerel with milk. After all isn't rushing around the American Way? Mrs. Fruth decided to

schudel a Student Council meeting for Oct. 28th. I had Thriller schudeled for Oct. 28. I had pizza

with the pricipal on Oct. 28th and the dance. So many things to do, with just has much time as

we allways have. Turns out I didn't have to worry about the student council meeting because

Mrs. Fruth wouldn't let me in with my makeup on. First period goes by, along with the first

performance of Thriller, *I messed up but thats life* Second period comes and goes along with

our second performance of Thriller *ha, only a little off beat* Third comes moseling along, and

gone is our final performance. Thats it, no more Thriller for Oct. 28th. I lost a lot inbetween

6:30 and Third period, a neckless, my awards, and some of my skin came off when i took the

make up off, Oh and i lost Kristi, luckley she found a responsible adult to help her. I mad it to

the last 5mins of Health, still had some makeup on my face, I was one necklas short and had no

awards from the morning but I was able to beg and force Jon into calling his mom and asking if

he could go to the dance. The bell rings and Health for Oct. 28th is over with *Kristi never

showed up* Off to the marry world of English *the sub was "One of the stupidest, dippest subs

I'v ever had" -Mrs. Jonson* I found my Book, so I was down a necklas, up a book. Not a bad

trade. Went to Science where Luara and I planed a trip to Venice Itali to look for the Lion

statues and to feed the pigons we read about, to Frace to look for French Toast, and for French

Fries, To England to see the guards and the crown jewls, to Japan to climb Mt.Fugi and to see

the Cherry Blossem Trees (i hear the beatuiful) I really enjoyed it, my entire life plan, was made

durning Science class on Oct. 28th. Social Studies was very agravating as Mrs. Stofuz showed

just how superfical she turley is, then i began contemplating how larg the stick that was stuk up

her butt was. (still working on that one) It's off to Pizza with the Principal! *ugg i never want to

see pizza again* We acomplised absolutley nothing, life though is like a really big pizza, it goes

quickley, sometimes you have to get ride of the things in it you don't like, and it takes a while

before you get it. *Let me tell you that certanly impressed Mr.Shook* Come Algebra I find out

Kelly is continuing her quest to stalk me, by getting a pass to decorate for the dance, and a new

life mad his way into the earth on Oct.28th *Skinner had her baby* Jons mom okay'd it and he

can go to the dance. This certenly brightens my spirts. Spend the next hr. decorating for it (all in

vain because we had no idea what we were doing) Paid Jon's way into getting into the dance,

Jimi did the empossible by being the first white boy to dance the Harlem Hussel, I acomplised

the impossible by fitting 5 people on a small bench for the picture that I paid for, but then before

I knew it Derek had paid for copies for all of us. I think he really had fun, he actually danced,

maybe he is starting to enjoy life, that makes it worth it. Kristi freeley admitted to enjoying her

self, as did everone else. I don't think I will have to beg anyone to go to the dances anymore.

Makes you wonder where we will all be next October 28th.

(I must note that the above thriller was not the last thriller, at the dance it was played, i danced, and now my poor feet are paying for it.)

I wrote that last year, it was one of the funniest days I've every had.

So what AM I doing this year?

I'm sitting at home, eating busquick batter, frustrated at J because he dosn't seem to understand anything, and waiting for my mom to get home from the hospital.

Yeah. Life is weird.

Nightmears with out sleep

He's still here, drinkiing, man I hate it when they just sit around and talk.

Go. Away.

I want to sleep, I want to do anyhting other then sit down there and listen to those two talk about the same freakin thing for three hours while they slowly dissapear into their cheap forgen drinks they make.

No, they don't have a drinking problem, they have a talking problem.

I'm tired and hungry and totaly usless

Did my math, have no idea what I did. Just kinda went along with whatever everyone else saidl.

Yelled at J, he's still an ediot.

I want my hosue back.

I want him gone.

I want him back.

I want too much.

I hate subjectlines

I've decided the only thing I can do at all is support.

Thats all I am. Merly a mediocure suppotor, for I have no hobbies, have no special intersts.

And so I shall transforme niceness and helpfull ness into a my craft. I'll never match up to everyone else, I won't give up just yet, but hope does not seem to be holding out.

...But I really don't want to just be a supporter.

I want to be the best at something, but everytime I come close to even being decent he comes along or they take a sudden intrest in it.

And before oyu know it, I am obsolete.

Its not that I'm particurly jealosue that there better at me then stuff, I just wish they wern't so great at everything. Just wish I could hold my own.

And yet I hardly even attempt. I must work harder.

But unil then, I'm just a supporter.

The complexities of the male mind

He demands I tell him when I'm upset, but I can't figure out why.

Because when I tell him, he completly stops talking.

And its flippin annoyoing.

So sick of him doing that.

Guys suck.

From left to right, changes abound

Life is weird, constantly changing yet not quite fast enough to keep us entertained until its all done with and then were just stuck standing in the middle of an intersection doing the Y.M.C.A

When all you really wanted to do in the first place was sleep in.

Life is weird.

I suppose it all balances out, I mean, it has to eventually right? We can't possibly continue on in such a mannor.

Does anyone know what I'm talking about? I don't...

I think I had a coherent thought process last night while laying in my oh so comfortable bed I never get to spend enough time in.

But that was last night, when no computer was near. And now that there is one sitting in front of me I've lost it.

Life is weird.

I guess we're just all tired, and all confused, all dieing for attention and acceptance, yet none of us truly likeing the world, so when we are accepted, we find ourself disliking ourselves.

Life is just funny like that.

You know, funny in the way where you want to jump up and down and scream and everyone and everything becuas nothing makes sense and your serously doubting it ever will again?

Yeah, that kind.

I'm gonna go sleep. I'm tired, it's 1 in the after noon, but life is just wierd.

If only I had some of J's wit when it comes to making up Titles

Last week was awful, completly mindblowing, never gonna heal, scaring, awful.

And its completly my fault.

It began with my bad attitude about T.A, which is a result of low self esteem, and it ended with me up at 3a.m talking to Derek, one of the strangest people I've ever met, a result of him being the only one who cared.

Well, no, they all care, they just wouldn't be able to handel it at the current time.

And they shouldn't have to.

So they didn't.

But Derek, good ol', completly unreliable, never sure how he'll react, sometimes the most frustrating, sometimes the most amazing, Derek saved the day.

And my life.

No, I wasn't going to kill my self, not even I am that stupid.

I met Derek in Social Studies, in 7th grade. He's not good looking, he's not very social, but for some reason he started talking to me.

So I talked back, and gave him a screan name...

One that didn't exist! I didn't know he meant yahoo!

But then, maybe...four months later, I did get a yahoo name, and there were four messages from Derek.

So we started talking again.

And we argued....a lot.

But man, these arugments weres ome of the best conversations I"ve ever had. I felt like an adult. We didn't yell at each other, we didn't stop talking.

I was learning to debate.

Seriously, some of the most usful stuff was learned during those online conversations where we argued everythign from the meaning of life to politics.

One time, in a locker room for basketball one of the older team members asked me who was going out with their little bro. Then she asked who Jenny was....

When I raised my hand I fianlyl figured out why Derek talked to me.

He liked me.

I didn't really pay any attention to it, didn't bother me, just avoided it.

That was the best corse of action. Things continued on, I continued to spend time aruging my way into Derek, hoping he'd see there was more.

Hard life, he blamed everyone and everything for it. Nothing was his fault, he didn't take responsiblity for any of it, he was done.

Thats mostly what we talked about...though the subject never really came up.

Saturday night he was the one telling me how to live, how to not blame myself.

Derek grew up.

No longer the boy who hates the world, he's the guy who takes the world. Works with it, for his family, for his friends, not for him self though.


We stoped talking for a while, he lost any romantic intrest and I found one so we no longer needed the past time of the decussions.

But he was there the other night, and he saved me.

Forgotten Gifts

Its a very strange thing indeed learning new things.

Especially if you thought you already knew all there was to know about a person.

I suppose it would be like if your intire life you thought trees gave oxygen, only to find they take it away insted.

Or if you never believed in the supernatural, and you suddenly find yourself face to face with a ghost.

Perhaps your talking to someone about abortions, and you suddenly find out they had one.

Yeah, its a feeling like that.

During confermation two years ago we spent quite a while talking about gifts.

How everyone has a gift, and how back in Bible Days these might of included being a profet, singing, or you know...speaking in toungs.

I always wondered about that last one, it always fasinated me yet I wondered what good it would possibly do to speak in some odd laungage no one understood.

And the other thing I wondered about was why the heck you never hear of these things anymore? People don't open tell you there a profit, or they speak in toungs, or any of that.

Can't say I'd blame them, people either don't believe you or think your crazy.

So standing in the hall yesterday hearing the words 'I speak in toungs' kinda threw me off guard you know?

I didn't know stuff like that still happend! I didn't know that someone I knew so well could contiue to through me completly off my element with one simple fraze.

Again.

So let me ask you this, am I supposed ot act compeltly surprised? Act as though I hear this sort of things all the time? Or question the guy about it until he gets so sick of me he cureses me?

Sure, I never believed in curses before, but I also didn't know people spoke in toungs.

Still.

I don't doubt the Bible, I just kinda thought some of that stuff died out....

Next thing you know, Kristi is going to tell me she sees the future in her pickles.

Ignore the problem watch it grow

Yesterday my pants said "I love you!" in big capotile letters.

Today they say "Life Sucks"

That should tell you a little something about my day.

I don't even know what was so bad about it, I suppose we never really do.

Prone to looking at the bleak and dismal we loose sight of the good. Its not even that we don't see it, we know its there, we just don't reconize it.

Perhaps I'm just a pessimest, the test we took in health said I was a manic depressive.

Let me tell you how much THAT livened my day.

Don't know what I'm doing, want nothing more then to just cry in my room but I don't want to be alone yet I won't go to the game becuase I don't want to be around people.

ITs flippin insaine I tell you.

The worse part is I can't even blame J. Sure he was late to school but he did show up.

So I'm angry at him, only I'm not, though I wish I could be, and then I feel guilty about the whole mess.

Nice huh?

Anger, madness, selfishness, passion, all surging through your veins in a rush of insanity. Keying in on your adrenalin, before you know it your brain has sent the signal and you've screwed up.

Royal screwed up. No going back your stuck to live with the consequences of your actions, never to forget the pain you brought.

But to who? The person it was originally inflected upon, or upon yourself.

Because your reprimanded yourself, asking how you could do such a thing, wondering just what is wrong with you to make you like that.

And there's no forgiveness in sight. You don't want any anyway, you don't' deserve it. The idea of it makes you sick, makes your head hurt.

You would do anything to go back.

Before.

But you can't. Your stuck, you know it, they know it, and its eating you away.

It's never going to change.....

Unless...

Maybe forgiveness is there, maybe you just haven't looked in the right places.

Maybe it will all be better tomorrow, you can't go back, but you can make better.

Or at least, you can try.

Why do I keep doing this?

My relationship with my parnets has always been...unstable, my stubbern and tanturm ways along with there absolute inability to listen to anything gets the better of me.

And I'm thrown into a sprial of selfish tears and unnedded thoughts about just what it is exactially they find hard to understnad, when I think about what the heck I"m doing.

Sure, crying in your room seems like a good short termed solution, but what the heck is that going to acompish in the long run?

Sitting there, mad and angry at them, but mostly upset at myself, I thought this.

And it made me laugh

"Smooth Virginia, so now what? You gonna stay in your room forever? Order pizza?"

Which might not of been to bad, had I had a phone book....or a phone...or money.

Its just so selfish of me. I mean good gosh, I didn't even know why I was angry. Something to do with dinner...

Something I probably won't get.

It's just that utter rush of anger that surges through your vains and before you can count to 10 your repremending youself becuase you know what you said was wrong, and you know you would of never said it, but its too late.

Next thing you know your in your room with out food.

:(

Did I ever tell you??

Did I ever mention how fun it is to be a teenager?

We are expected to be moody, yet understandinb and loyal. We're suposed to put all our faith in friendship, yet expected to become angry when someone says something stupid.

And becuase were teenagers, were expected to say stupid things quite often.

So when their mad, and sensitive, and no one knows why, other then hints that are thrown out as often as popcorn, it is our sole duty to cheer them up, make them laugh, blah blah.

We're supposed to be understanding when theses attempts in a futile word of "whatever" yet be persistent enough to not care...

Which brings up to our question,

I ever tell you how much fun?

After the storm

.....Do I even need to say it?

Do I need to tell you all how utterly pathetic I am sometimes, and even when nothings really wrong I can find ways to completely tare myself down in a ball of complete nothingness?

Perhaps it has something to do with astrology, you know, if you believe in that kind of thing.

I don't....but I'm open to suggestions.

So, incase your wondering, and In case your not and your just really bored, I found music.

ANd was complemented on it.

So I suppose the project was a success.....Don't have a grade yet, so we'll see for sure later.

The moral of the story kids, is get a warning label, stick it on your forehead, and make sure all your friends know your prone to extreme bursts of patheticness.

P.S, if you need a dating site, just check out my last comment.

;)

Ah, now I know what to complain..I mean Post, about

I use to struggel whith how I should act around him. Always strong and positive? Or my usal emo self?

I usualy go with the first I suppose. Something to do with my fear of actually being comforted (?) or showing weakness I guess.

But today I due to lack of sleep from this terrosit democracy they call school, and was too lazy to post up the emotianal shutters of my usual fascaid.

Pluse, it's his fault I'm in the darn class.....okay, well its not, but I'll be blaming him this evening.

I don't know why I'm upset...I want him to relize all he's done, but I want him to never know.

And now I just have to find this stinkin music, and things arn't lookin well.

This is utterly rediculous

I'm stressing about what should be my easiet class, I'd like nothing more then to just go to sleep, and I'm not hungr.y

I know, I'm confused too.

Just want to find some instermental backround music! But can I find that? No.

So people who like to comment and its really just advertising, I must say you let me down. When I need you, your not there for me, it hurts.

Hurst me deap

Hehe

If anyone needs, pottery, Japanese vasese, or other such thigns, please just look in my comment section.

:)

Thank you, that is all

Understandable

Understandable, its my new favorite word.

Yeah, no, its okay, its understandable

Because with this one word, you can say many things.

Or rather, your can imply them.

Because, while something is understandable, dosn't mean I agree with it. It dosn't mean I think your right, it dosn't mean I think someone else is wrong, heck, it dosn't mean I even give a crap.

It just means that its understandable.

But in all truth, that could be said about anything.

But wondering what couldn't be understood is the great part.

People, you can't understand people. We cry when people die, yet show no remorce when someone stops showing up at work, or at school.

You can't understand why someone makes themself bleed, why someone finds it necessary to harm themself because no one cares.

You can't understand why no one cares. Why no one helps her, why she has no friends.

Yet people are good.

You can't understand the world, while parts are so beautiful and giving, how others can be so deselent and unforgiving towards mankind.

Yet the world is good.

Though someday, we'll all understand, and things will be good.

Frightened

Tonight I watched the Exerzisim of Emily Rose, but thats not why I'm scared.

J's MIA.

I havn't heard from him, and I must admit that in my pathetic state I'm quite worried.

He's not been online, he's not called, an when Jimi called his house no one answered.

I don't think he had plans, so why hasn't he called?

IN othernews, I completly torn down Derek after the movie.

That is all.

Every day is a journal page
Every man holds a quill and ink
And there's plenty of room for writing in
All we do is believe and think
So will you compose a curse
Or will today bring the blessing
Fill the page with rhyming verse
Or some random sketching
Teach us to count the days
Teach us to make the days count

Lead us in better ways
That somehow our souls forgot
Life means so muchLife means so much
Life means so much
Every day is a bank account
And time is our currency
So nobody's rich, nobody's poor
We get 24 hours each
So how are you gonna spend
Will you invest, or squander
Try to get ahead
Or help someone who's under

Teach us to count the days
Teach us to make the days count
Lead us in better ways
That somehow our souls forgot
Life means so much
Life means so much
Life means so much

Has anybody ever lived who knew the value of a life
And don't you think giving is all
What proves the worth of yours and mine
Teach us to count the days
Teach us to make the days count
Lead us in better ways
That somehow our souls forgot
Life means so much
Every day is a gift you've been given
Make the most of the time every minute you're living



Chris Rice, Life Means So Much


*I totally killed the formatting, sorry*

All sorts of intersting things

My intention was to do English homework.

You can see how well that worked out.

But insted I sit here, trying rather despretly to recall the feelings of earlier in the day so I could write them here to forever be remembered.

But why?

I mean, why keep those feelings around? Shouldn't we work through them, towards something better?

At least thats what all those self help books tell us, though I'm not intirly sure they should be trusted.

But today I did some self helping of my own. I was honost, yet not brutle, and I'm hoping it did us good.

But mostly I'm hoping he isn't too hurt, because he soon ended the conversation.

Though perhaps that was just his cerfew.

I'm a flower in the school play. Yes, I know. It probably involves me wearing some odd dress and dancing around the main characters in some elegent way.

I'm so not a flower person.

But hey, I got off easy. J is a Centar, you know, the half horse half man things.

He has to have a furry butt.

So perhaps being a flower will grow on me.

It's going to be one of those nights. The ones that go on forever yet end way too soon. Where your crying because you need too and you want to yet your ashamed too because thats what we've been told.

And Relient K plays in the backround because even though your no longer one of those speical people who knew about them, you knew about them before they were big, and thats enough because you can still pretend there only yours.

Yours meaning you share with thousands.

I started out doing English homework.

You can see where that got me.

Its a very prickly thing

I'm a big music buff, I literly always have songs running through my head, and I"m never with out my cd player.

But its when I'm in a still house with complete silence that I feel time. I feel it changing, and growing, and leaving.

So perhaps thats why I'll always carry earphones.

On another topic all together, heres the best diet plan ever.

Stress.

I'm sure its a thing of personal prefrence, but when I"m nervise about something, or really stressed about meeting someone, I can't eat. I"m not hungry, and I just want to throw up really badly.

Now I"m begining to reilze that theres a simpler way to go about this that I"ve found. It's like when your having a really bad day, only to find out someone else is having one also.

You feel like maybe you can get by.

Only with this, you put your complet trust it, which is a almost impossible task to complete.

Especailly for me. We all build up these walls, and we know that if we don't let anything out, we won't get as hurt, we won't feel, we will get by.

But you become numb.

And then you relize that you have no reason to go to bed at night, it just means you'll have to get up in the morning, and that task in it's self seems impossible.

But having that knowladge deep down that it WILL be okay, no matter whats going on at the moment, that someday, sometime, in the future, things will be better, is the only way I know anyone can get over things.

Maybe I just hang out with Preacher Boy too much, but if you put your faith in God, you know things will be okay.

Yeah, your still going to cry, and it's still going to hurt, but at least your not numb.

I"ve found myself actually putting this theory into action recently, due to circumstances beyond my controle, which is really everything if you think about it.

I've stoped thinking about consiquences, and have started just going with what my heart tells me. What God tells me.

Would Anyone like to donate to the red cross? Sure, have my lunch money. I can find someone to give me something later.

So, want to know something even funnier then my computer application teachers voice?

I've completly changed my carrier, my life goals, my occupation, based on a dream.

And a MTV video.

But mostly this dream.

And I havn't told a living sole yet. Not my parents, not my friends, not J.

Just you.

Drifiting identities

K calls in tears, J says how happy he is, and Kasey brings on the drama.

And I begin to wonder, is it all worth it?

Certenly it must be, how unfair life is to some, and how wonderful it is to those who don't truyl appricate it. Insted they dwell on what they've lost, not what they've gaind and learned.

Today at lunch, Josh sat with us because he car was broken. I'm dissapointed to say that I was almost ashamed of my friends, the way they behaved.

And K and I begin to talk less and less, nothing personal, our intrets are just changing, she's loosing her self and I think I'm finally becoming something.

So this is when I should be there for her, support her, tell her how everythings going to be okay.

Any yet I find myself being desgusted by her mannor, cringing when she curses.

Not to say I don't blame her.

I suppose what I'm saying is, that now that I find myself in a new setting with amazing people with awesome traits all around me, I begin to question what my next move should be.

Surround myself with people who share my values, my intrests, or should I stay with the ones who need me, the ones who are lost?

Because maybe, maybe I want to be selfish and be with these new people. But maybe at the same time I can't bear the thought of leaving the people who saved me so many times before.

In all honosty, I probably don't have to do either.

I'm sure its possible to be perfectly respetable friends with both, I'm above clicks, this is high school people!

What I suppose I"m trying to say, is that they hold me down.

And how do you explain that to a crying girl?

Changes

I don't think I ever relized that life changes, I mean, I suppose somewhere within my subconsciouse I relized that it was unavoidable, but I never thought it would happen.

The funny thing?

Its not even happening to me.

No, its happening to L, someone I've never met in person, and yet I feel somehow saddened that they will no longer be around.

Though perhaps it is due to the fact I sympathise with Lea. Circimstances so completly unfiar have been thrown in front of her, and theres no where around.

Could I survive them?

I really don't know, possibly yes, but not without incredible repercussions.

Some change is just supposed to happen, you feel it, and hopefully you accept it.

Because if can't fight change, it will drain you of your emotions and relationships if you do.

K and I never talk anymore, when we do I find myself forcing words to be spoken, common ground is no longer found easily.

I find myself wishing for something new, yet I'm afraid to let go of the old.

Because the old is so comfortable, yet so unstable. You sit there, with these people who you KNOW you don't relate to anylonger, and you wonder when everything will crash down around you.

But you can't possibly bear to leave them, because they were the people you knew, the people you loved for so long, and to you, theres nothing else.

So your looking at the unknown, wondering if the chance at something better is worth the chance of loosing comfort.

And then you take that chance, and you find you absolutly love this change, and you slowly forget how you felt with your old friends, but I mean it dosn't really matter right? Its just change.

But you have to remember that those people where your life once, and though they will never be again, they will always be there for you, always loving you, just waiting to embrace you.

Or at least, thats how it should work.

Freshmen, woah

So yep, here I am, a freshmen now.

And I still talk to J, infact, we are much more together now they we were apart...

Does that make sense to you?

Me either.

High school is an odd place.

Not a bad place mind you, yet its certenly not fun. It just...is, and I am, and I have to get through the next four years so I WAS.

*Yeah, my attempt at creative writing*

The end is here

Today I did some things completely and utterly outside of my small character.

First off was getting up early, I don't know what possessed me to do this, I probably never will, but I"m glad I did.

You see, I cleaned my room. Which is not so incredible amazing in it's self, but when pointed into other facts it becomes a life savor.

You must understand, Jon needed a hug. And I was the only one who could possibly give it.

And so the second part of my unchaircter, inviting my GUY friends over.

Mainly, inviting Jon.

And you know what the most surprising feat in this all? It actually HAPPENED.

Nothing went wrong, Jon, Jimi, and Kristi all came over, everyone had fun, we laughed like none of us had any worries, and as if time would stop to accommodate us all.

and then the cell rang, and Jon had to leave. I got two hugs before hand.

And then Jimi called his sister, and we all talked to him, and Kristi casually flirted, because this might bet he last time she gets the chance.

because, are we ever going to be the gang again? We can't possibly stay the friends that others longed for, as soon as Jon left, the glory days were over.

And we grew up.

And as my eyes grow teary, and I wonder what the following school day will bring, I think to my self that I wouldn't change a thing.

because I have truly been blessed by having some of the most wonderful people in my life, and its difficult knowing that Monday morning I walk into a school, and give them up.

But I know that there are other people who need these guys more then me, they need to know what true, unhindered friendship is like, I've known what it is, and now I can take that and help others.

Who knows, maybe the four of us will change the world.

But until 7:15 Monday morning, we're still the best of friends.

And nothing can change that.

Dark skys

It's 88degrees, the grass is dieing from lack of water

I'm cold

THis gives me the opratunity to wear my new jacket

Only I can be cold when its 88 degrees.

Its dark outside, I think its going to rain.

ANd I'm alone

Promises

I just had a guy offer me a promise.

One that said no other girl would ever get him.

But this is a guy who takes these things very seriously, which makes it even better, because I know he would do everything to keep it.

But that not fair to him, I know that as teenagers there a really big chance somethings going to happen, and I know he'd feel horrible about it.

Besides, I trust him.

Looking back on it

After the entry I posted last night, I went up stairs, turned my cell phone on and stuck it in my pocket, and fell asleep seeing as I was dead tired.

10mins later I'm awoken by a vibration, *the cell*

There was his name on the I.D, he really takes this 'call whenver thing' to heart.

I couldn't be happier he did.

I ALMOST didn't answer, I was so set on crying myself to sleep...but I did, and we talkedu ntil midnight.

Got up, went to orintation, spent 3hrs with him. Just him.

My mother says he's a 'nice' boy

I agree

Scared, stupid, annoyed, lonely

Tomorrow is 9th grade orination, I'm scared out of my mind.

I want my parents to go to sleep so I can turn on my cell and tag to the Boy, because for some stupid reason, he never gets on the internet anymore.

I've lost all self controls and patience, I know I'm acting like a grumpy jerk, I blame the 2hrs sleep I've gotten in the past 24hrs.

Yet I refuse to go to bed.

I think its screwing with my emotions, I want to curse, and I want ot cry, but most of all I just want company.

Only, not the company of my parents, in fact, other then the Boy, I can't think of a single person who I'd feel like talking to.

SO why is my phone turned off, making all contact with him impossible?

I love my friends, at least, I love their memory. Is it so very horrible of me to say that I'm really hoping to find DIFFERENT ones come school?

Perhaps I'm just incapable of settling for awesome, these friends of mine are really good friends...Just maybe not good people.

Oh man, I don't mean that. I'm no better.

I'm just a good for nothing hypocrite who doesn't know what she wants, and on the off chance she does she turns of her darn phone.

I'm so scared, he's going to find someone else in more of his classes, I'm going to be so dumb in all of mine, we're going to stop talking...

I really wish my parents would leave so I could break down in tears and cry,

if only because I"m an idiot

I swear it was not this hard while he was on his trip, perhaps because I KNEW he wouldn't be getting on, because I had low expectations.

And now, I"ve got a small glimmer of hope, and I'm hoping with everything I am, and more because I need him.

This is ridiculous.

The boy came back, things are differn't.

But in a good way, I feel closer to him somehow now.

I'm a bad person

K called me in tears, Porkchop *Her bird* died.

It took everything I could do to keep from laughing and making a joke about it.

Its not that I don't feel bad for her! I really do, it's just...

Well...Its kinda funny.

Ug, I'm sick minded.

lonly for you

I miss the boy.

I'm surprised I made it this long, before it took a measly three days for me to become completly unwhined and completly useless.

I find that emersing myself in unbelievable awkward social situations are slightly helpful as I can usualy talk about the boy during small talk.

I doubt these strangers relize I'm pretending that they are really him.

At first I was a bit worried, thought like "Why don't I miss you more!" Kept running trough my head.

But its here now, oh yes. I don't like it one bit, not one freakin bit. It's hit me like a steam train, pulling at my kismit, and my brain just dosn't get it.

Tomorrow I'll be alone. I'm sure I'll feel it then, the utter hoplessness of having no one to talk to, your completly responsible for your self, for your own well being.

Something I doubt I can be trusted with.

But no ones there to stop you right? They've all got lives, shouldn't I?

And I suppose I do....I just would rather have him here, with me instead.

He did call though, only a 20min conversation and I felt 100percent more sad when we said good bye.

Thinking of his voice makes my eyes tear, thinking he might not miss me makes me cry.

I utterly FORCE myself to sleep, knowing if I remiain consciouse I can't be trusted.

4days...only 4days....

Will things be the same?

Bad Ideas

::Posted on Jul 06 2005 02:31:14 GMT-0400 ::Music I'm listening to: FOB

Taking 2 dry pills sooner then recomended on an empty stomach at 1 in the morning while sneeking around the house becasue your not supposed to medicate your self in the first place is a bad idea.

Going into a cutter chatroom because your bored and then leaving an hour later not complety sure if you just joind a cult is a bad idea.

Listening to a sad song and crying because you think it makes your eyes look pretty is just stupid.

Loosing your temper when someones confused is a downfall that has unkknow consquences of the most diar kind.

When someone threatens to sick their hampster on you, you know you need to make better friends.

Drawing a man hanging himself on your drive way for all to see is great until the three year old across the street ask's her daddy why the man is covered in red.

Even then its fine until your father comes home and repermends you.

Don't ask me how I know.

If I had a remote to my CD player I'd copy the poem from the FALL OUT BOY CD for ya'. but I don't and I'm too lazy to stop it.

"When your in a town like this all convered in smoke, your forget that thats theres a world outside, nothing amazing happens here, and you get used to that, used to a world where everything is ordinary. Everyday we spend here is like a whole life time of dieing slowly." FLCL

True Love and whispers

::Posted on July 04 2005 17:06:24 GMT-0400 ::Music I'm listening to: These Words

Yesterday, as I sat in church, I overheard the couple behind me whispering during the prayer.

Man: I love you.

Woman: I love you too.

Man: So much.

There both in their 70's, I wanted to cry it was so awesome.

Friendship

::Posted on Jul 01 2005 15:06:31 GMT-0400 ::Music I'm listening to: Starting LIne

Last night I taked to Kyle, he's great in the sense he's always there when you need to get your mind off something.

We talked about donuts and yellowcard.

I can now go a full mininute without thinking of it. And when I do its not in a bad way, more of acceptance and understanding.

I got a salad from Wendys. You know, the fruit kind with the dip things. I miss french fries.

Though I have been chewing on this darn plastic fork for the past 20mins...

Awkward developments

::Posted on Jun 30 2005 01:54:54 GMT-0400 :


:Music I'm listening to: Yellowcard

As I sit here listening to the more agst of yellowcard, a thousand emotions are running through my head.

Shock, disbelief, excitment, love, relief, wonder, envy, longing, desire, respect.

But it all comes back to love in a flurry of intantgeld confusion.

I don't have to pretend anymore, I can feel like an equal, I don't feel like he's faking, everything makes sense!

And yet perhaps I'm more confused then ever, perhaps my world's just shatterd in, and everything I know has been discentagrated in a singel instant.

But what I knew wasn't what I wanted, what I knew was perfect and unreal.
What I know now is staind and beautiful.

Man, I love this boy. I never doubted it, but he's droped the act, I was so wrong, he's not naive, he's not innocent, God I love him!

I type the keys in exuberent excitment, as if this act will make the joy I feel possible, the complete relief of being understood, yet loved, and cared for.

I don't have to pretend, I refuse to pretend! Heck, compaird to him, my mask didn't compair at all. Mine was slowly cracking, showing it, his was in perfect condition.

Yet, he told me, and while it was difficult for me to read those words, it must of been a million times more difficult for him to write them. Almost completly williingly he told, and it hurt.

I could tell it hurt, I could feel his shame, I could see that he hated himself, and I can see why. For the first time perhaps, he was completly honost, and after I find he's not perfect, but far from it, I perhaps love him even more so.

I'm acting like a bumbeling ediot, completly corny, perhaps insaine, and certenly selfish.

How can someone have so much courage to tell someone else what he told me? I almost regretted asking, not thinking he would respond with a vaild answer.

No one has before, after all. Why should Church boy?

BECAUSE HE'S HUMAN! AND SO AM I! AND I CAN BE MYSELF NOW!

I'm refusing myself thought. If I think I'll think about how impossible it was for me to not know this before, how utterly rediculouse I was being, but I shant do that tonight.

I think he's feeling better now, I somewhat went into a spew of corny messages that kept poping out of my head.

Shocking, really..

Its seeking in

Oh crap, I'm leaving Wendsday....

I won't see him for 9something days

Now, though it is I who is doing the leaving, I'm only gone for 3days, he's leaving he day after I leave *confused yet?* for 8days, and its all a very confsuing thing.

And its just now dawning on me, just now coming to the relization that for 9days I'm left to my own, sometimes dangerouse, devices.

I'm not sure I can handle it. I don't depend on him THAT much do I?

Hell yes, oh crap I'm screwed.

I can make it through....9days...thats.....what? 500 Relient K CD's?

Dang it.

It's times liek these when I wonder the possibilites of having a mental disorder. Really, I'm thinking its a large possibility.

Tomorrow I shall cry.

Self distruct mode

Tonight I"m not depressed, more of a traquil sort, yet I wish I had the ability to get drunk, or high, or something.

Wishing Kristi would get online so I could stay up to an unhealthy hour and do things I'd regret come morning.

Or afternoon as it may be. I have no reason To get up tomorrow, I'm all alone anyway. No one will ever know.

Which brings us to another odly depressing topic.

I, the person who hates being alone, has willingly offered to do so for two days while said parents vacation.

I don't regret my decision, no, not at all. Couldn't bare to be away from SO for longer then absoulty necessary, just....now I'm alone.

Last time I felt like this I ended up winning the Creativity award for the Condome game.....

Yeah, thats something I'll brag about at the next family reuninion.

But thats the glory of girl friends, they can get your mind off anything...

If you'll let them.

I'm so brave

Posted on Jun 29 2005 23:26:51 GMT-0400 ::Music I'm listening to: tv

Jon : Josh is having a movie night tomorrow. Would you like to come?

Me: I'm allergic.

Look how sneeky I am

Jon : What have you been up to today?
Me: What have you been doing?
Jon : I asked first.
Me: So?
Jon : =P
I didn't want to inform him how incredible immature and child like I was, crying more the once, falling alseep often and breaking my grandfather's heart.

Almost unentintally.

Today, in the midst of my shivering under my blankets and a sweatshirt *its 97degrees, I shouldn't be cold*, I programed my cell phone.

It will now beep in countdown on days until he comes home.

This will most likly throw me into a pit of depression and late night c-room sessons.

Oh well, it was unavoidable.

I just got nailpolish in my eye. I think its time to go.

Cold amungst the heat wave

I feel off, alone, incomplete.

And it comforts me, I have yet again fallen into the mouringful bliss of emptyness.

This will fall into place soon enough, I'll give up all shimmers of hope, listen to emo music in my dark room.

Because I'll refuse to turn on a light.

Why I do this? I reall can not be sure, the probable cause is that I don't want to look at myself.

So why do I sit infont of the merror?

I havn't talked to him all day, I'm sure thats a large part of this feeling, other contributing factors invovle family members feeling there need to cratique me.

*sigh* I'm done

Hidden Words, Mistakes Kindness

::Posted on Jun 29 2005 00:30:12 GMT-0400 ::Music I'm listening to: YellowCard
Yesterday, or, rather today, I went to Kasey's birthday party. It was very odd too me.

I felt like I was left out, I felt like I was the center of attention, I felt like I couldn't be who I was, I felt longing, and I felt fun.

Somethign I havn't felt in a while coem to think of it. I'm sure all this is mearly my imagenation, none of which are improtant enough to bring up amoungst others, not that I'm bold enough to do so.

When I arrived, I felt as though I was welcomed and as though I was really a part of this circle of friendship. I was on fire, I was funny, I was friendly, I was bold.

Then, and this is in no way her fault, Kristi came. Almost instantly I felt as though my purpose had been fufilled and I could of gone home and they would of been fine.

Don't get me wrong, these people were in no way rude to me, and Kristi is truly one of few people who understand me, I just feel as though she is torn between true friendship and momentary bliss.

It as if we are a basketball team. All incredible good players on our own, yet when to gether we only know how to play 1 on 1.

Kasey likes to whisper in Kristi's ear in front of everyone. I just want to scream when she does that. Then, Kasey asks Kristi to go into the hall for a 'counseling sesson'.

Kasey has it written in her blog that she told Kristi about her problems, and then Kristi told her hers.

And I guess that kinda hurts me in a way. Heh, this is unbelievable. I've never known my self to act as shallow as I am now.

Why the heck should it matter if Kristi chooses to tell Kase her problems and not I? At least she's getting them out there.

I guess it just kinda sucks because I suppose I want the glory for helping, not that I'm the right person for helping.

I mention x-men a few times, and a girl there wold reply "You like x-men?" in this really mean voice as though I was stabing her.

Then I had to listen to Kasey bad mouth Elise and Kelsey and the Beatles all night.

Why are they spreading hate? Theres so much crap in this world and so much of it would just dissapear if people could look above themselves and see everything for what it truly is.

It's just really really sad when I hear her talk like that. I don't understand...They were BEST FRIENDS. How can you completly change your mindset and spread those sorts of things?

Don't people relize this is how wars start?

Then, I became aware of another feeling. The thought kept poping into my head.

"I'd have a lot more fun if Jon was here"

Which isn't good. God, he's going on a misson for 8 days, 8 days of complet and utter alone time. No calls, no conversations, nothing.

Though perhaps that dosn't scare me as much as when he come back. How can going on a mission trip not change you? He would of seen things I'll never get a chance to see, and what if I can't relate at all?

What if he looses that awesome naive nature of his? He'll admit it himself that he is. But, what if he comes back all grown up?

And I'll still be this little girl.

I don't want to be the little girl, I already feel far less...something, around him, and I'm not even sure thats the case.

So, what happens if it really does become the case?


And what if he relizes it?

Never Listen to Emo

Posted on Jun 27 2005 00:24:41 GMT-0400 ::Music I'm listening to: Some Emo station


Either emotional music makes you sad, I"m clincily depressed, or teenage hormones really are to blame, but darn it, another Sunday has come and not quite gone and I find my self on the verge of something.

And that something isn't a picnic. Nor does it involve pie.

Maybe its becasue I'm a girl. Girls are supposed to be moody right?

My goodness the odds are not stacked in my favor.

Deperssing music, depression, teenagerism, girl. I'm on the track to life long sadness and despair.

Sure, I could change the satation, but I'm not intirly sure I want to. I want to listen to people who have crapy outlooks on their life. Not the good ol Christen station that I'm usualy at.

Notice how I said view? Yeah, in my heart, I know my life rocks, I know I've got everything, I've aslo got what i like to call a 'writers mind'

This means, sometimes I think up charicters, personalities, and sometimes I think I think too hard.

Becasuse I pick up their traits.

Because the people I think up, their history, their life, its all intersting. Not in good ways mind you, and not in pariturly exciting ways. I suppose you have to think like me to know what I'm getting at, and no amout of nonexistant writing ability can do that.

There, I did it again. You see, I really don't think I"ma horrible writer. Oh, I know I've got a looooooooooong way to go, and a lot more time to do that. Just sometimes, I think I tell peopleI suck so I can see their reaction when they find out what its truly like.

And a lot of the time, they do say it sucks.

Which in a whole, sucks. But a lot MORE of the time, they say they like it. But how do you get someones true opinion?

You write a Fanfiction. Jon keeps asking me what I'm doing, I jus say 'stuff'

I feel absolutly horrible about saying that, and not telling him. But I'm so utterly defleted around him, as though it is impossible for me to be intelegent in any shap or form.

Which, is obsered in every sense of the word. I think he's possibly been my greatest sorce of encouragment, for the little I tell him I"m doing that is.

It is entirly my fault.

Kristi had a good point last night. Maybe I'm not being fair to him, but could he handel the true thoughts of a jaded, depressed, far from naive, girl?

One who he claims to love?

Maybe I'm convincing my self I can change, maybe I'm convincing myself that one day he'll see through my facide and come to my rescue.

Rescue from what I do not know.

You know, we as socity completly misuse the term "Obsessive Complusive" in truth, it is a sevier medicle condition that is not to be taken lightly.

One case told of a boy who was talking to his theorpist. He wanted help so badly, but he had made up rules that he couldn't tell anyone what he was doing, becasue he just couldn't.

But he WANTED them to know. how badly he must of wanted to explode with a passion of want.


(iT was later descovered that he was trying to put pillows on every sharp edge in teh world, becasue if he didn't someone would fall and hit their head and die)

On vacation, I wore a hat. Partially for the sun, as to keep it out of my eyes, but mostly, so they couldn't look INTO my eyes.

I don't know what they would of seen, but I know they wouldn't expect it.

And, while sitting in church today wondering why it was so difficult for me to feel...church-like, I thought of something.

Adults put up a mask, they perfect it, compramising themselves for the sake of socitys.

So why do teenagers get such a bad rap for being out of controle and rebelliouse?

We havn't perfected our mask.

Hallmark cards and lies

::Posted on Jun 22 2005 00:49:56 GMT-0400 ::Music I'm listening to: Whatever comes along

My life has become nothing more then Hallmark Cards and lies. I try to be a good person, yet I know that I will never succeed in this ambition. Friends tell me I"m the least shallow person they know, yet I can't help but make them mad.

When he asks me how I am, I lie. I say I'm good, I say I'm doing nothing.

But then when he gets down, and he thinks he's the only one who thinks like that, I want to scream. I want to scream at him for thinking such stupid things, I want to scream at him for believing me when I say I'm okay, I want to pull out my hair, stand on my bed, and yell at the sky for letting me think like this.

I've become so good at walking up to people and using some hallmark fraze about roses and life its begining to scare me.

I've become so good at compromiseing my self for his sake I worry I'm dieing. I wonder if it is possible to hide your feelings as well as I'm doing, and I wonder about how fake I look.

I have to sound unreal, no one could have as low self esteem as I do. No one can feel angry and left out one minunet, and then say

"Don't give a damn, I'm not worth it, really"

Because...I think, I think I am worth it. And I've got this whole reverse physocolgy thing going on where I think if maybe I act like this, all selfless and giving, they'll relize how great I am.

Only at the moment I'm not thinking about how great I am. I'm thinking about last night when he was driving me crazy with his complaints of feel like "the odd man out"

And I wanted to yell that I'm a lier, and a fake, and not worth his time, but I don't, and I pick him up again, and I relize that every time he's sad, I get sad.

Because I want him to know, but I really don't think he could handel it, but what if he can and I'm not giving him a chance?

And what the flippin hell am I talking about again? Its taking all of my will power to not go up there and delete all of that, it makes no coherent sense what so ever, and I apoligize.

For everything

(I blame the sad songs on Launch)

Again, for the first time

Once again I find myself here, creating another space for my so called 'thoughts'

It's not that I don't update blogs, no, in fact its quite the oppisote. I wear them out.

And so I am here, some entries will be new while otheres are from a time ago, memories I don't want to loose.