Realization

Today I realized, I'm terrified of talking and connecting to boys. I do not know why this is. Before I talked to them and connected and sometimes they'd like me more then I liked them but they always ended up my best friends.

So why do i keep pushing them all away here?

My realization

I don't think you get to say the things you do, act the way you do, without any consequences.

I'm almost strong enough to stop you. No more of me hanging on.

Ummmmmm

Theres never anyone to talk to about Kyle. Its like a stuipd on and off again dating thing, only we're not dating, so even LESS people understand. No one understands, I don't understand, He doesn't understand.

He wants ot make it better. I want to fight. I want to fix everything. He wants to be depressed.

He screwes all of my plans up. Everyone of them.

I keep secrets from him. Way too many. I keep secrets as colateral. I gotta have something up my sleeve to deal with his curve balls.

Damn his curve balls. I like spontenaity, but only the day trip to the pool kind. I like to be spontanious. Not other people. Other people need to be predictable so I can figure out what they're going to do. Kyle needs to be predictable. Kyle needs to be Kyle that I knew in 9th and 10th grade, not this stupid new kyle.

I think he's happier now though. Actualy i have no idea. I don't know about anything anymore. I'm too busy to have friends. I'm too busy to hang out. I'm too busy to sit down and talk. I'm too busy to go get coffee. I'm too busy to deal with new girlfriends. I'm too busy to check my email. I'm too busy to whine in blogs.

Its gotten me lots of awards. Its gotten me in good with Doctor Arnold. Its gotten me in the paper in the church in the school in the community in the American Legion.

Its gotten me success.

I'm loosing Kyle.

I've lost kyle.

And the WORST part is, I'm not sure I'm willing to make it better. I'm too busy to try. I'm too busy to do things. I'm too busy to think about how to fix things. I"M TOO BUSY.

I love being busy. I love not havnig time to update things. I love having things to do everyday. I love my life.

I hate dealing with people exiting though.

I don't know where I"m going with any of this. I'm not sure I want to go anywhere with this. I'm not sure.

I miss him.

I hate Suzie. Thats a Kasey High thing to say, becuase its unfounded and not fair to anyone, and all it does it try to tell me that I'm justified for disliking someone for no reason.

But its an almost real emotion. It makes me feel bad, and dirty, and fake, and wrong, and hypcretical.

But I kinda do...

At West Point I"ll hate everything. My life, myself, my chioces, but I won't have time or incentive to be bothered by this.

Thats a plus.

thats a plus

And it leans on me, like a rootless tree

Ladies and Gents, I've been a fool.

Mostly.

actualy pretty much everything about it is foolish...

except, I think its okay. I mean, when am I going to have a BETTER time in my life to make mistakes?

Mhm I know right!? Never! So I MIGHT as well I've them all up now....

Mr. B is making a effort, and I shall double that effort, and then he shall tripe his so he won't be out done, and before you know it, we shall be GOLDEN!

I have 18 weeks left of high school. Thats a fact.

Hm, Mostly I shall focus on the moment. I can do anything for a day you know.

Can we Fake it, can we make believe

Once again, I question when I became important enough to cause fights and arguments.

It seems as though I can no longer please anyone by being kind, that's what got me into this predicament. That's the problem with friends ya know, if your nice to them once they just keep coming back for more and more.

Seriously, it should not be a big deal if I didn't make plans with you. It should not make you angry that I don't WANT to make plans with you, I'm just not a really big party person.

Let me sit home and read. I don't want to do another movie night. I love you all, and I promise I'll help you out, but sometimes I just need a little time and no commitments.

Nothing is certain, and I think my problem is I get so upset when things don't work out according to plan that I've stoped making plans. Spurr of the moment decisions now control my life, and for the most part that works for me.

It doesn't work for Kyle. Or Jon. Or anyone else for that matter.

Actually it works for Aaron. Our shared.....issues work perfectly together.

The moral of this story is, sometimes I want nothing more than to tell everyone to get over it. I don't know why my presence is important enough to you to throw a fit. Your just going to talk to other people once I'm there, and that's cool, so just let me sit at home and read.

Its christmas time!

This year has gone my extremely fast. A LOT has changed, and I love most of it.

This time last year I spent every night with Kyle, loving ever moment of it, and was incredibly grateful for a friendship like that.

I was also quite fond of a certain Broderick Goodnight, whom was doing his very best to ignore me on account of me turning him down twice....ON this very night I recall forcing myself to stay up so I could talk to him, and him really not caring.

BUT it was okay because it was the first time I felt the little twinge of romantic excitement and I was going to ride it.

During the break I hung out with Aaron and Brody for the first time, an event that would be the catalyst for sooooo much awesomeness. Aaron has been the best friend someone could have and Brody has...good intentions.

My family was well and my attitude good.

And things are still that way.

I have two new best friends, it seems things have finally worked out on the Mr.McCoy front :), Kyle admited begrudgingly that he loved me no matter how dumb I can get, and I'm so thankful for all the good people around me.

I don't have to be forcefully happy or peppy anymore. I'm strong but I don't have to be as often as before. I love being able to drop it all and be with my family, but I love the fact I don't have to.

Whats that sound?

So today I realized why I'm not afraid about starting college, or moving away, or any of the coming of age things my peers fear.

And I think this is the reason why. I am more afraid of screwing up all the precious relationships here, then I am of moving away and leaving them all in good condition.

That is what really scares me.

Also, my titles always come from the song lyric thats playing at the moment.....lol, just incase I ever need to remember WHY i chose that.